I'm currently going through a bad setback, worst one I've had in a long time. I keep trying to remind myself that I'll get better but it's bloody hard to hold onto that point of view. My anxiety and panics lately have been a lot worse at night leading to nights of insomnia, agitation and numerous calls to MH helplines.

I dread waking up (if I do fall asleep) because of the "how the hell am I going to get through another day like this?!" Feeling and thoughts and I dread the evenings because I know night time is coming and I'm scared I won't sleep or I'll have a panic again but more so, I think it's just the memories of all the stuff that's happened at night time lately that's getting to me but it's so hard to see it as just memories or anxiety. I just feel zapped of all my personality, quirks and just feel like an empty husk.

Last night was awful. I tried to watch TV with my husband and it was a show we love that has finally just came back and watching TV together is one of my all time favourite past times but I sat there in utter dread. My stomach was in knots, I felt so spacey and disconnected (even now the next day, the room still doesn't 'look' right if you know what I mean) and I ended up having a huge panic attack and what's worse than the panics are the utterly hopelessness feelings I get - feelings and thoughts of "I don't want to die, I love my life but I can't live like this much longer, I can't cope", "I'm never going to get better", "I'm never going to be able to sit down and watch TV comfortably with him again", "I'm a horrible wife" etc. I know how illogical they all are but I have no confidence or resilience against them, it seems. I try and talk to my husband about how I feel but I feel as though my brain won't let me scratch the surface of what I want to tell him, it's like there's a block and something physically stopping me. It's the same talking to anyone face to face atm about this, not just him. All this adds to the helplessness feelings.

Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of thing? I haven't slept a wink and I'll admit, I did brood in bed for hours trying to sleep when I knew I was too restless to but I got up an hour ago and had lunch, done a workout and I'm just about to dye my hair hoping it might perk me up a little. Husband is taking me to the garden centre later too. Sorry for the novel, I just feel so bewildered. One min I can see clearly and then the next I feel like I have no way out