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Thread: Dark feelings

  1. #11
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    Every psychiatrist/psychologist I have seen has said that I'm not on the spectrum but that's not to say that they are right. I know I don't meet the criteria for an assessment anyway. Whether I am or not doesn't really bother me as what matters is that I am able to anticipate my children's complex needs and always be one step ahead!
    That is a very important thing.


    I'm more the sixty-something stuck in a young person's ED rituals which is really shameful and embarrassing but my way of coping with a challenging life.
    This is actually very common with autistic people, especially females.

    Finally, a psychiatrist/psychologist is only ever as good as their knowledge of autism. I have known many people who have been told they are not autistic - go on to be diagnosed. But this is only worth pursuing if a diagnosis would benefit you.

    Personally, I think that autism is more prevalent than people think. It's just that statistics don't take into consideration all those who are autistic, but haven't got a formal DX.
    Maybe, one day, we just might take over the world.

    Actually, scrap that. I need me some NTs to keep me from floating away lol (balance in all things and that)
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  2. #12
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Hurrah for all N-Atys then...Keep On Keepin' On!

  3. #13
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    Hurrah for all N-Atys then...Keep On Keepin' On!
    Hurray for the nice ones....the not-so-nice ones have a place in my 'to haunt' list.
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  4. #14
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Quote Originally Posted by NoraB View Post
    I understand totally. That's the problem with 'highly functioning' autism. It's perceived that we function really well, when in fact most of us struggle with the most basic aspects of existence that most people do without thinking. It takes a lot of mental effort and life can very quickly overwhelm us - which is why most of us have a string of mental health disorders and/or chronic illnesses.

    I realised recently that I was happy until the age of 5. I was in my own little world - nobody bothered me - and aside having to go to the sensory nightmare that was the hairdressers with my mother or sit on crowded buses which made me feel sick and relatives coming to the house - I was happy. Then I started school and it went downhill instantly. I was in the wrong place with people who didn't understand me, nor I them. But it was the 70s, and there was no autistic spectrum - me, and children like me, were punished or ignored.

    It is what it is, James. You cannot change how your brain is wired. My son is autistic too, and I am encouraging him to be authentically 'him' - not a second rate NT version so other people feel less uncomfortable around him. He's starting high school now. He just learnt to tie his shoelaces. It's been an awesome week. He teaches me a lot too, and he is the happiest child that I know.

    I go through dark phases, but it's predominantly anxiety - always has been - but I have been clinically depressed and I'd take feeling 'plugged into the mains' any day over the feeling of 'nothingness'. At least with anxiety, I feel alive. But it is exhausting, and my body agrees - which is why I have the biological age of 209.

    Have you looked into dissociation and depersonalisation?

    Things are less scary once we understand them and the one thing that most autistics do well is to research!
    Your brief account of the ordeals you suffered as an autistic child in the 70s, especially at school, really strikes a chord with me.

    I know the present time is dead horrible with this wretched Covid-19 pandemic (and various other issues), but I probably would have hated it in the 70s as well, especially as vicious beatings of children in general was allegedly commonplace, especially from school teachers and nasty violent parents who often used to vent their anger and frustrations of the stresses and strains typical of said decade on the children, and those with learning disabilities must have been fair game for such abuse.

    Physical abuse was also allegedly common in children's homes and likewise establishments back then, especially as such establishments often had staff members who were no-hopers themselves, and ironically those environments often ended up being far more inhumane and futile than many children's original family homes, so they were essentially being shifted from one problematic environment to another, complete with other potentially disturbed kids and staff members who were/are often losers themselves.

    Though, as I was born in 1977, my younger ordeals were mostly through the 80s, but from around the early 90s onwards, society suddenly started to become more aware of autism in general, no doubt following the 1988 movie 'Rain Man'.

    And I think more people are being diagnosed with the condition now, rather than the actual condition itself being more prevalent than ever. I also reckon there were a lot more 'hidden' autistics in the past, especially before the 90s, so we were probably amongst the proverbial 'tip of the iceberg' at the time.

  5. #15
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Good old "Rain Man" spawning the idea that all autistics are savants..My son specialised in washing machines at 4 years old and my daughter was into Andrex loo rolls! Not quite what people expected when they asked about their "special " skills!

  6. #16
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Quote Originally Posted by Lencoboy View Post
    Your brief account of the ordeals you suffered as an autistic child in the 70s, especially at school, really strikes a chord with me.

    I know the present time is dead horrible with this wretched Covid-19 pandemic (and various other issues), but I probably would have hated it in the 70s as well, especially as vicious beatings of children in general was allegedly commonplace, especially from school teachers and nasty violent parents who often used to vent their anger and frustrations of the stresses and strains typical of said decade on the children, and those with learning disabilities must have been fair game for such abuse.

    Physical abuse was also allegedly common in children's homes and likewise establishments back then, especially as such establishments often had staff members who were no-hopers themselves, and ironically those environments often ended up being far more inhumane and futile than many children's original family homes, so they were essentially being shifted from one problematic environment to another, complete with other potentially disturbed kids and staff members who were/are often losers themselves.

    Though, as I was born in 1977, my younger ordeals were mostly through the 80s, but from around the early 90s onwards, society suddenly started to become more aware of autism in general, no doubt following the 1988 movie 'Rain Man'.

    And I think more people are being diagnosed with the condition now, rather than the actual condition itself being more prevalent than ever. I also reckon there were a lot more 'hidden' autistics in the past, especially before the 90s, so we were probably amongst the proverbial 'tip of the iceberg' at the time.
    Autistic people are vulnerable. People sense it and exploit it. I've been abused by numerous people - physically and mentally. I also put myself in positions of danger without understanding what I was doing or the other person's intentions. How I survived the 80s unharmed, I'll never know!

    Here's the thing about Rainman...

    It was 'the' film which brought autism out of the shadows, but it was actually based on a man (Kim Peek) who was initially diagnosed autistic, but was later thought to have FG Syndrome. Kim was a savant. He could do some funky stuff like speed reading a massive book in an hour and reading the left page with his left and eye and the right with his right eye - at the same time! I'm a fast reader, but I can't do that! In reality, only a small percentage of autistic people are savant, so the film might have shoved autism out of the closet, but along with it came a shit load of stereotyping with people basing their opinion on autism, and whether or not someone is autistic, based on a film that's now over 30 years old, and the geezer wasn't even autistic!

    My son knew the entire 12 times table at 4 years of age. The school thought they had a math genius on their hands, but I knew that the little dude has an excellent photographic memory, as do I. He'd simply memorised them because numbers was his obsession at the time!

    When it comes to hidden autistics, I really do think that there are a lot more of us than the stats suggest, and they are only ever estimated. There are a lot of people who self-diagnosed for a start - and autism isn't a life choice, so I take those people into account whereas some autistics come out with such crap as, 'No diagnosis, not autistic' - which is epically stupid as someone is autistic or they're not. Other people might not even know (or suspect) they are autistic, but I'd bet on them being considered by others to be 'eccentric, odd, weird, reclusive or 'quirky'. I think we are everywhere lol - especially now the powers that be have recognised that autism is a spectrum.

    I quite like busting those autistic myths, such as we don't have imagination... I have a very vivid imagination, and that's why I developed HA! Or that we have no sense of humour. Or no empathy. No empathy? Are you kidding me? I can't pass roadkill without my heart breaking! But because everything is happening on the inside of me, people make a judgement call - and it's generally the wrong one.

    In keeping with the Rainman theme - I am crap at maths. So crap that it's a learning disability known as Dyscalculia. I literally broke my maths teacher at school!!

    My 'thing' was, and still is - music. Specialist area - the 80s where it has been said that my responses in quizzes were (and still can be) machinelike. The reason the 80s is my strongest decade is that music kept me going through high school when the bullying was most prolific. I lost myself in music. I absorbed it like a sponge. I read music magazines and every detail on album covers and it's because I was so focused that I have this knowledge - nothing to do with savants. This is how it works with autistic people. You show me an autistic person and there will be at least one obsession, and how this differs to NTs is that these obsessions are crucial for our mental health. Possibly another area where I differ from 'the norm' is that I have to know everything about things. If I watch a film, I have to research every actor, and everything about the film -including where it was made. Hubs says, 'why can't you just watch the damn film?' I also can't leave a cinema until the credits have ended. I'm always the last one sat there - which bugs the cleaners no end! I obsess about things and people, but not in a creepy way lol.

    Actually, I would trawl through Tom Hardy's bins given the opportunity.

    Or Kate Bush's...

    Full disclosure, I had a major crush on an animated character (Shredder from the Mutant Turtles) I was in my early 20s at the time, and this earned me a tick in a box during my autism assessment lol

    Pulisa, washing machines are quite a common interest with autistic kids. Loo roll is a new one on me though lol. My son has had numerous special interests but currently he can name every Pokemon there is and there are hundreds! It's rapid fire response and he can tell me everything about them - because it's his thing. He's also into memes at the moment, so he speaks in meme - he will come in and say stuff like, 'When you look in the bread bin and there are no brioche.... and he does it with literally everything! I love how happy his inner world makes him. I remember that feeling - just about.
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  7. #17
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    Re: Dark feelings

    My daughter was a Pokemon addict..There was a card "dealer" in my local town and I spent loads getting her the "rare" cards from him because the pressure was too much and I caved in..She also had a "thing" for dead singers killed off in their prime..Aaliyah was a favourite for ages as was Lisa "LeftEye" Lopes..She longs for a return to her schooldays when she was protected and things were simpler.

    My son progressed to James Bond from washing machines. He has been very ill over the past year and a bit and has lost his Bond addiction..We miss him as he was but realise that this is his new normal. It's very hard particularly for my daughter.

  8. #18
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    My daughter was a Pokemon addict..There was a card "dealer" in my local town and I spent loads getting her the "rare" cards from him because the pressure was too much and I caved in..She also had a "thing" for dead singers killed off in their prime..Aaliyah was a favourite for ages as was Lisa "LeftEye" Lopes..She longs for a return to her schooldays when she was protected and things were simpler.

    My son progressed to James Bond from washing machines. He has been very ill over the past year and a bit and has lost his Bond addiction..We miss him as he was but realise that this is his new normal. It's very hard particularly for my daughter.
    I'm sorry to hear that your son's been poorly. I hope he is on the mend?

    I have three sons. One diagnosed autistic, and I am 99% sure my middle son is also autistic. Eldest has ADHD traits. But my middle son has had obsessions, and one of his was James Bond too.
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  9. #19
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    Re: Dark feelings

    You will no doubt have been informed then that Tom Hardy is rumoured to be taking over from Daniel Craig in the next Bond film...?!!

    My son has had a major breakdown after a traumatic life event..He is getting more stable now but it's been devastating involving major self injury and hospitalisation. He is older than my daughter and was born with a rare syndrome which affected his midline organs. His autistic behaviours when small were all put down by the medics to the trauma of his early years but when my daughter was diagnosed at 2 he came under the spotlight as well and had an unofficial diagnosis from Professor Pat Howlin. He received an official diagnosis a couple of years back but we all knew he was on the spectrum anyway. The breakdown has brought out his ASD markedly.

  10. #20
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    Re: Dark feelings

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    You will no doubt have been informed then that Tom Hardy is rumoured to be taking over from Daniel Craig in the next Bond film...?!!
    I didn't! But only because I am avoiding the news at the mo while I sort my anxiety out....

    My son has had a major breakdown after a traumatic life event..He is getting more stable now but it's been devastating involving major self injury and hospitalisation. He is older than my daughter and was born with a rare syndrome which affected his midline organs. His autistic behaviours when small were all put down by the medics to the trauma of his early years but when my daughter was diagnosed at 2 he came under the spotlight as well and had an unofficial diagnosis from Professor Pat Howlin. He received an official diagnosis a couple of years back but we all knew he was on the spectrum anyway.
    Blimey! That must have been so stressful for all of you! I'm so glad to hear that he's more stable now.

    The breakdown has brought out his ASD markedly.
    Yes. It has with me. I was assessed during my breakdown. I was going to cancel, but I'd waited a year, and the benefit of going at that point was that I'd lost the ability to 'mask'. I stimmed freely because I couldn't cope if I couldn't rock or pick the skin off my lips. These things I had suppressed (in public) until then - partly because of being punished at school for being 'me'. The assessors got the real me - which is what needed to happen. Since my breakdown, I still can't mask - I just don't have the physical or mental energy - and it's a relief.
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