Hi all! I'm spiralling at the moment and want to reach out to others who may understand my thought process. I know I may be viewing myself irrationality yet knowing that doesn't change how I pretty much feel like a garbage human being at the moment who deserves no happiness. I am a 27 year old female with GAD, and something I have struggled on and off with since I was 15 is a sense of hyper-responsibility. I look back and analyse my actions and am horrified at myself for how I used to think/behave and how that impacted others (even when they weren't my actions). Today, I was thinking a lot about a summer when I was 19 working as a cocktail waitress in my hometown while I was on break from uni. That summer, to put it short, was wild and I was out drinking a lot and partying and having hook ups with different people. This is not what I hold guilt/hyper-responsibility over, but it is the people who were in my life during that summer and not intervening in situations that were clearly inappropriate because I was too self-obsessed exploring my sexuality. Without going into too much of a tangent, I grew up in a small surfer/party town where it was very much normalised and accepted to start partying/clubbing/drinking/have relationships with adults from your early teens. While I never partook in this (I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18), when I came back when I was 19 the bar I worked in as a cocktail waitress, one of my co-workers was only 15/16 (this was a known fact by all hotel management that was just accepted as okay). This co-worker was also my brother's friend, and again because partying/drinking started from such a young age, it was common for all of us to be at the same party scene together. Here is where my hyper-responsibility starts:
1. Feeling guilty and responsible for partying around teenagers even though I was of legal age in a bar
2. One of the most inappropriate things that happened was this co-worker lied about his age and had sex with a 26 year old woman. I was not involved in any of this but I found out and feel so guilty that I didn't do anything other than tell my parents; I remember thinking it was not ok and I was even told off by my adult boss for telling my parents what had happened, yet I feel so responsible for a situation I was not a part of. I remember feeling like I had to be ok with it.
3. One of my friends who was also part of this party scene was 16/17 (cloudy memories) and she was always known for hooking up with older guys (who knew her age). I don't really remember my feelings around this other than again this all felt normalised but I feel guilty/responsible for not speaking up and/or intervening on her behalf because I was 18.

To put it very simply in terms of what my mind is thinking right now; I feel like a I a monster for being 19 and essentially accepting these normalised behaviours. I feel and think very differently about these things now, but because I was an adult at 19, it feels like I made unforgivable mistakes and that I should have been leading by example to those around me who were younger. I don't know if any of this makes sense but I feel in such a funk and like a complete failure.