Every new surge of HA ends with HIV fear

[Lana]

Hello, and thank you for reading,

I have been on and off on the Forum, but pretty often in the past 2 years or so. I am a married , older than middle age woman, who has not been sexually active for probably 5 years now. I have been tested for HIV 6 times, first time when I was admitted to the U.S. second time when I was pregnant ( routine in the US). The other four times I had it tested, every time thinking somehow I got infected. In the last less than 2 years, I have been tested twice, one in a clinic (finger poke), and one in a lab ( RNA test). But, every time something goes wrong and my HA flares up, it ends with me being petrified with fear that somehow I got infected, and then I have to have test again. This coming Friday I am visiting my doctor for unrelated hip issue/spider bite, that in the meantime healed, but I have been thinking about how to ask ask him to do HIV test again. I do not know how to help myself anymore; I was in therapy, I took anti anxiety meds, but nothing really helped long term. AT the same time, the thought of testing again and waiting results, scares me to death. I feel horrible because of my husband. and my almost 22 year old son, because they are sick & tired of me. I do not want to be like this anymore.

Again, thank you so much for reading, and maybe giving words of comfort and/or piece of advice. I am currently dreading Friday.

[lilysmith123]

Hi Lana. So so sorry you're dealing with this. Unfortunately, anxiety isn't rational. Your big logical brain knows that the chances of you having contracted HIV is 0%, but it can be hard to convince the anxiety in us! Are you still in therapy?

[Lana]

Dear lilysmith123,

Thank you so much for responding. Yes, it seems impossible to convince the damned anxiety and OCD, that I also suffer from.

I appreciate your responding, especially because I could not help but notice that some people here, who even do not bother to reply to those who try to help them, get tens and tens of pages, and replies. Some people hardly ever get any. I do not know why that is, it seems the more rude one is, and more rudely persistent, the more replies and pieces of advice come to them. I always thank profusely everyone who bother to answer to me and help me, and still sometimes it takes days for someone to notice my suffering and issues, and respond. Anyway, thank you!

[lilysmith123]

Yeah I totally understand!! Sometimes drama brings the masses for sure lol. I feel you. I cannot convince myself that my symptoms are classic anxiety / because I'm focused on them, and I know how frustrating it is when logically you KNOW you can't be!! I actually started CBT therapy recently and it's been helping so far, but I do find myself thinking 'what if?' and it's so hard. I've felt alone with this issue for a longggg time, and family & friends don't understand. If you need a friend, I'm on here now and then. Nobody should have to be alone.

[Lana]

The same here - you PM me whenever you need. It is also typical for HA sufferers to be very able to reason when somebody else's anxiety is in question, but cannot deal with their own. What I am trying to say that you may be able to help me, and may be able to help you, if need be.