The feeling that some health related disaster is imminent

[Aleman200]

This used to be me, but I made my peace with dying. I had to in order to get better from HA.

I figured that something will eventually happen, and to every living thing on this planet. This is something we all need to understand, and no amount of worrying will change that. It doesn't help that generally in Western culture we fear death and dying. In other cultures, death is celebrated as the natural part of life that it is.

I chose to desensitise by immersing myself in all things death. Books, stories of good deaths, NDEs (the closest thing to actual death that we know), songs, comedies, films. I visited a hospice and was blown away by the joyful vibe in a building where people were dying. It changed my whole perspective on that because, in my mind, they were dark, joyless places. I desensitised myself to dying. I stopped seeing 'death' as this grim reaper type, and more like Terry Pratchett's idea of Death - who is funny. Most importantly, I learned to accept that all we really have is the present, and in this moment, as I am typing this - I am not dying.

I learned to enjoy my moments as if they were going to be my last, and I occasionally look through my photograph albums to remind me that, actually, I am capable of feeling happy - even when I'm not well.

The human body will always have an ache or a pain, and that's normal. It would be abnormal if there were not aches and pains. With HA, we focus on these normal aches and pains and write a very dramatic mind script which our brains respond to (fight or flight). It's like at school when we did creative writing and were given a mundane subject which we had to make exciting and dramatic. You know? Well, we are doing this with these normal bodily symptoms of fight or flight and it fires out the stress hormones (adrenalin, cortisol etc) which creates more symptoms, and there are hundreds of anxiety symptoms!

And then the nightmare starts. A seemingly never-ending cycle of symptoms and fear and more symptoms and even more fear, and, as I keep saying - never underestimate how shit anxiety can make you feel!



What if you don't? (the most likely scenario)

The 'What If' gremlin is a little sod. He's been sat on my shoulder for years, stuff like..

'What if I faint?' (I never have - well I did once, but it was mixing gin with hayfever tablets. Oops)

'What if I shit myself while I'm out?' (never happened)

'What if I have heart attack in Tesco's?' (came close a few times when I've checked my receipt (HOW MUCH?!!!) but have never actually had a heart attack)

That's the tame stuff. My mind can go waaaaaaaaay further...

How many of your dramatic 'What If's have ever come true?



Anxiety likes to kick us in the balls/flaps when there is a threat of happiness. The best way to get your own back is to acknowledge its presence, but carry on with your day. Fear wants to stop you from experiencing joy. It's like a Dementor (Harry Potter) - so you have to Expecto Patronum the crap out of it, and by that, you acknowledge its presence, but carry on with your day. As long as you keep reacting with fear to your own thoughts, it will hover close to you.

My anxiety is pretty high at the moment, but I'm taking it to the garden centre with me, and it can sit there while I look at the pretty flowers.



Actually, I think many an anxiety condition starts in childhood. It helps to remember the people who were around you at that time and what they were like and the dialogue they used. Chances are, if you were close to someone who was ill - or a hypochondriac - this will have left an impression on you, and the brain remembers. My earlier bouts of HA coincided with ailing grandfather (breathing issues) Then it was my MIL (breathing issues) and finally the death of my mother (refusal to wear crutches after a hip op) I'm joking, sort of. Mum was due to have a hip op and she wasn't happy at the prospect of having to hobble about on crutches for 6 weeks, so I've always said she died to get one up on the surgeon.

When I think about it, me connecting my symptoms of hyperventilation to an actual breathing issue due to disease is understandable, but irrational. Educating myself about the stress response was a game changer for me, and it would be for most HA sufferers if they only chose to Google that instead of symptoms...

15 years is a long time to have HA. I had it (in bouts) for 40+ years. I didn't know what it was for most of that time. I couldn't verbalise what I was feeling or thinking, but I got there in the end, and so will you. Acceptance is key to recovery. Turning to face what we fear is the only way to take back control.

All the very best to you.

Absolutely fantastic post.

If it's any consolation carrie, you're not alone. Tons of us suffer from the impeding feeling of doom and gloom that health anxiety brings with it like a stale fart. There's not much I can offer considering NoraB has already brilliantly explained alot of things using her own experience except for my own two cents.

The biggest enemy of yourself with HA is definitely the "What If" gremlin like NoraB says. It really drives you insane with all of it's fantastically imagined scenarios. The way I'm learning to counter this thought process is by thinking instead of "What if" I think "I trust my doctor" and suddenly things get a teeny bit better. Constantly reminding myself that I am in NO position to diagnose any diseases is such a powerful tool. More powerful than shitty Dr.Google.

Don't get me wrong, I make it sound very easy but it's far from it. I spent days laying in bed and keeping my curtains shut expecting my imminent death to arrive any minute via heart attack or cancer or you name it. And none of it ever came to fruition, I agonized over the tiniest ache (still do a little bit) and imagined leaving my life behind to move into the beyond.

Of course this all fed into the horrible bag of Health Anxiety I toted along with me all these years at 29 years old. I honestly wish you well in your recovery as we all are in the same boat for this one.

[carriewriting]

Wow Nora thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and learnings. I feel very blessed to have you comment on my post and as always, Pulisa, having you in my corner means the world to me. Ironically I have been in a spiral today so really appreciate both your support.

Nora I will follow your lead and do some reading about death and positive death stories. I have PTSD from my mother's awful one three years ago and part of my anxiety is my kids ever having to go through that with me. She had an untreatable illness and was terrified to die right up to the end and never found peace. I don't want to be like that. On the flip side, my dad (80) has had multiple cancers over the past 20 years and battles on with such good humour and resilience. He is what I aspire to.

I have lots to explore with my new therapist. My childhood was not good as my mother was unhappy with her lot in life and took it out on me. Looking back I've realised she would also tell me about her health problems to a degree that was too much for a child to handle. My goal is to work through my issues and then make sure my own kids are okay having grown up with a HA mother!

[pulisa]

As Nora says I think our upbringing has a lot to do with how anxiety manifests itself in us and you sound as though you had a lot of things said to worry you in your childhood, Carrie...Also experiencing the traumatic dying process of a parent must have left significant mental scars..PTSD is wide-ranging and any trauma affecting the individual deeply enough can be devastating and long lasting.

Working through these issues will be really challenging but ultimately you need to find some peace in order to live your life with the HA dragon sufficiently and suitably tethered. Your children will be proud of you and rightly so. It doesn't have to mean that they will be affected too..My adult children have both grown up with a mother with an eating disorder and neither of them are sufferers x