I definitely need serious help, I think I am going crazy

[Lana]

In the past couple of years I shared with people on this useful Forum many fears and moments of terrible HA. Very often, when I am in some kind of distress, eventually I start fearing HIV, although I have been sexually inactive for years, and was tested during this period three time - last time this week. My doctor whose patient I have been for more than ten years , and who knows my OCD illness, ordered ab/ag 4th generation test, which was negative. He wanted to help me calm down my acute OCD so that I can focus on badly needed therapy. I was petrified with fear waiting for the results, although, in reality, I could not have been infected with HIV. When my result came as negative, my joy was very short-lived: the feeling of relief was quickly replaced by suspicion that the nurse who drew my blood, maybe infected me with re-used syringe or needle. I know this does not happen; I know, googling it, it happened two times in the past over 20 years in the US, and both times it was national news; I know everything for phlebotomy in the US ( I live in Arlington, Washington D.C.'s suburb) is 100 % disposable. Also - why on Earth would it happen to me? Why am I always on the receiving end of some unheard of catastrophic event, in my mind?! Can anyone help me get out of this horrible rumination which does not let up, does not let me have one single day free of worry and at peace? Please, anyone - I would be very grateful, I am so incredibly exhausted from the works of my brain. Whoever has patience to respond, and comfort me, will be doing truly a good deed.

[healthnut22]

I don’t have much advice, as I too have recently gotten to the point where I know I need professional help. Just wanted to jump on and let you know you’re not alone. I also suffer from health anxiety and OCD. I have tried managing it on my own for years. My whole life really. But the past 2 years has gotten more and more unmanageable. I understand how exhausting it is. And how terrifying it is in the moment when you somehow convince yourself you must be that one in a million statistic. My best advice for the short term is to stay away from the things that trigger you. If anything, us OCD people can sure be disciplined. So I find that it helps to set goals for myself. For me staying away from Doctor google is huge. It’s super hard for me to do, but I know it’s a must. Other than that, maybe ask your doctor for a referral for a good therapist who specializes is CBT. Hang in there. This can be overcome.

[Lana]

Healthnut22, thank you very much for responding. I do not believe how my mind robs me of every joy. I can actually feel how that part of the brain works completely independently. I hate it.

I will try to follow your advice, absolutely will. BTW - you do not think that this nurse in the clinic I have been visiting for almost 15 years ( although the nurse is new), would do anything that I mention. I know, this is so horrible, I would be ashamed to even mention it to my doctor. What would I say - Dr., I think that your nurse used a dirty needle on me the other day?! Seriously? So, instead, I somehow have to train my brain to fing stop it.
Thank you in any case

[healthnut22]

No, I don’t think that is at all possible. That is your health anxiety talking. You probably have a far better chance of being struck by lightening than something like that happening. Also, HIV does not survive outside of the body. The virus is not hearty at all and starts to deteriorate almost immediately once outside of the body. Remind yourself that these worries are just that - worries and just part of your health anxiety and not possible in reality. Sometimes it helps me to take a step back from what ever my current worry or symptom is. It’s easier said than done, but if you can try and distract yourself from it for a few days, it generally will help put things in perspective about how unlikely something like this is. When you are constantly thinking about it and in the midst of high anxiety, you don’t think clearly or rationally.