I feel like I'm just in a bad place right now. I was feeling not too bad, I have a trip coming up (rented a cabin in the middle of nowhere) and am almost done paying off some debts. But within like the last month it has all just gone sour.

I was trying to find a house to purchase; I don't have a huge budget being that it's just me and I have a regular admin job, but my dad is in construction so I am comfortable with a fixer upper. I put in a couple of offers on houses but they fell through. I told myself it's fine, the right house will come along eventually but all of my closest friends have all now purchased houses. Two of them have really, really nice houses - one is married to an eye doctor and the other in a relationship with a dentist - so it's not like they themselves were able to afford nice places (which might make it easier).

Which of course brings me to my next downer: relationships. I am not in one. All of my friends are. One, I just learned, is going to become engaged next weekend (right in the middle of my vacation - yay). I'm happy for her, really, I just feel so lame and pathetic in return. I dated some pre-pandemic but now it's of course nearly impossible to go out at all and I'm not great at online dating.

My brother has been married for a few years and has a baby, and a nice house (which they are about to sell to buy a nicer house) so I feel super inadequate compared to him as well.

This weekend, I asked my dad what he wanted for Christmas and he said "I want you to go on a date. Why can't you date? You're almost 30 (will be next August) and you're not perfect, just go out with someone!" which just really sucked and drove me farther into my personal hole.

What's worse is that my vacation was supposed to be a solo trip, just me and my dog, but my mom really wanted to come along so I said it was fine if they did. And I'm happy for them to, it just makes me feel extra pathetic to go on vacation with my parents.

It just feels awful and like everywhere I turn a new door is slammed in my face. I feel so awful and stuck and pathetic and hopeless. There is nothing about my life that would make someone say "wow, she's doing well". Nothing to remotely brag about. I live in a tiny house in the bad part of town, alone, except for my dog that has major anxiety himself and therefore pretty much everyone hates.

Honestly, I'm struggling to even be happy for my friends when they achieve things, which I know is super bitter. And I so hate the idea of having to watch my friend get proposed to while I'm sitting in a cabin with my parents on what is supposed to be my vacation. So I'm not even a good person on top of this.

Anyway, I just needed to rant. It's been rough going.