I spent the best part of 20 years in a very damaging relationship. I eventually left, but you take that kind of crap with you, right?
I couldn't ask for a lovelier husband now, but my past has kept happiness at bay because I allowed it too with the negative thoughts..
I've actually tried to push Hubs out of my life several times because I thought that would be easier than waiting for the day when he hurts me. But he keeps saying stuff like, 'You won't get rid of me that easily - I'm like shit to a blanket' - which isn't exactly Mills 'n' Boon - but he's been true to his word! We've been together for 13 years now, and he's never, ever walked away from me - despite the emotional baggage I brought into our relationship.
Forgiving my ex husband has been a long time coming, but it's a weight off my shoulders. He's never said he is sorry, but he doesn't need to - I forgive him anyway. Because, to hang onto hate is to hurt myself, and I'm done with the self-harm.
My advice? Forgive those who hurt you, and understand that you were never the problem -
they were the problem.
Your heart might have taken some knocks, but that doesn't mean that you can't allow yourself to be loved, and for you to love without
fear of rejection. It just takes time, and the
right man will be there for as long as it takes.
If I may use an analogy?
A cat is mistreated and learns not to trust people. Some kind soul comes along who wants to love it, but the lil moggy has learned not to trust, so it claws the peep in the face a few times before it realises that, actually, this person isn't trying to hurt them. With time
comes trust, and that purring round the legs things they do. You get me?
Loving somebody means having to deal with grief at some point - whether it comes because the relationship ends, or because a life ends.
Unless it's you who carks it first..
I'd say that your
past is buggering with your happiness, lovely. X