Mad at myself - was doing so well but visual disturbances have me back to square 1!!!
Hi guys,
This is basically a rant post - I know you guys all understand the troubles really well and I feel like this is a safe space to bitch out about health anxiety
I've been seeing a therapist and doing really well. I actually was able to divert a panic attack and just let my thoughts go like clouds (if that makes sense) on a cloudy day and just float by. I actually ENJOYED watching myself calm down, knowing I was the boss of my anxiety for a change.
For a while, I've felt this weird feeling in my left eye. It's most noticeable at the office / at my computer. It feels like looking through smudged glasses, or a light in my eyes but without seeing the light. It's really not THAT noticeable very mild... If I shut the other eye, and only use the eye in question it goes away. No big deal, likely strain as I don't wear my glasses enough.
The other night, I printed out something to read on anxiety - a workbook to complete. It was dim in the room, big light off and a dim lamp on the other side of the room and my vision felt grainy when trying to read my printed sheet? IF that makes sense. Similar to how eyesight is in the dark, obviously because it is dark lol. WELL that was it! I was going blind. I spent hours on google until 4am (super mad at myself as I was doing great in my no googling) and desperately looking to see if this was normal and everyone suffered from it. I then found things like retinal detachment and visual snow. My vision is good, I have long distance glasses but thats it! But I convinced myself I had these disturbances (that realistically, everyone likely has at some point), and I was sobbing. I eventually fell asleep and actually forgot about it this morning until it came back to me.
I began 'testing' my vision. If I look at my white wall, don't move my eyes but move my head, I can see a (very very dim) light. If I bring my head round to the original spot, it goes away. I've tested this around the house and it keeps happening! Now I've let my stupid anxiety spiral as blindness is my worst fear. I've spent hours reading how people with things like visual snow / floaters are suicidal.
I don't know about you guys, but my health anxiety mostly is around being stuck with something like this. It won't kill you, but you'll be horribly miserable the whole time. I'm only in my 20s and I know the likelihood of certain things are low, which helps, but it also scares me that I have like 60 years left of living a horrible life.
I've decided that the grainy vision in the dim room, and the slight bright light sensation in my left eye warrants a quick call to my optician. If they say theres nothing wrong, I will accept it. I'm thinking it could be eye strain? As with the pandemic I've been working from home and on my computer ALL day. I also barely wear my glasses. My vision is fine without them but I have them for longsightedness (have had glasses since a kid and always been bad wearing them)
The eye in question requires a higher prescription in my lens, and I do favour my other eye, so I am assuming (when not anxious) that it is either eye strain, or the amazing anxiety!!
Anyway, longggg rant over about my very slight visual disturbances. I just wanted to post and vent my frustrations. I know from reading the article how common it is for anxiety to affect our eyes. I suppose it is nerve related and I'm one big bag of nerves atm lol. I know I will get through this flare up, but blindness is like my biggest fear.
So I will get a check up, just INCASE as per the NHS guidance that you should check out any new vision stuff, but this time I will have ONE check up, and believe my optician. Which I could never have done before hand. And I will wear my glasses religiously, no matter how much I look like Rose West.
RANT OVER. I hope everyone has had a fab weekend and not let anxiety ruin it for you like it has for me!!
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