I need to fix this

[akirru]

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story so far, I know this is long winded but I have to tell someone. I feel like I've been suffering from health anxiety for years now. I spend whole days thinking about my health. I can't sleep. I avoid certain foods and caffeine (which I love ). I spend hours searching google and talking to my fiance. She is so supportive but I feel it is unfair to keep pouring all my problems on her. What makes me more sad is she actually has a genuine serious health condition. And here is me complaining constantly about my fears of the unknown. I can't be 100% certain so there must be something.

Some background

I think I've always been a little anxious at times, especially when it came to loved ones health. I know it sounds contradictory but I had the reputation of being very laid back in my younger years and into my 20s (now in my 30s). But I was also informed and could research health conditions. I did a lot of research when my mother became mentally ill. I knew so much about it, many Dr's would enquire about my background. She was finally hospitalised when I was 17. She was later diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I would research for weeks and had a strong understanding of the condition. I wanted to help her recover. I liked to feel in control and not helpless. My parents had a bad relationship by the time my mother was diagnosed. She was horrible to my father. And he didn't understand it was mainly due to her worsening mental health. She was a lovely woman before she became ill. But it also meant that I was single handedly dealing with my mum's failing health. I would go to all of her appointments and visit her in hospital every day. She wouldn't eat food unless I checked it first. She didn't trust anyone else. It was a hard time, but it gave me a unique understanding of mental health. I felt it matured me as a person.

So as you might understand I spent a lot of time in and around hospitals because of my mum's health. Later I met my now fiance. She is the love of my life and one of the strongest people I know. And for many years it was great. I had the perfect partner, a great home and a growing business etc. She would later be diagnosed with a serious case of ITP ( a blood disorder ). It was hard. For the first fews months I didn't know how much this would affect things going forward. They told us it might be difficult to start a family or that it might affect her life expectancy etc. So it was a stressful time. Again we go to the hospitality every few weeks due to her condition.

A couple years later my mother found a mole on her back that looked odd. She went to the GP and they weren't too concerned. To be honest looking back I don't think my mum showed him the correct mole. At that stage she was so used to me being at every appointment and listening to everything, she would kind of tune out. She went home and it continued to change. So I booked her another appointment and she was referred to a dermatologist. They removed it and you have to wait 8 weeks. I spent the 8 weeks googling and stressing. I felt that it was probably a melanoma. The worst kind of skin cancer. I would call the dermatology department several times with my input. As if I could possibly no more than a SPECIALIST It was a melanoma. It confirmed my anxious thoughts. They didn't seem too concerned. They felt it was early stage. They removed more skin. Another 8 week wait to find out that it hadn't spread. She had optional lymph nodes removed and they found nothing. That was over 5 years ago. Even with all of this reassassurance it wasn't enough. I still felt they must have missed something.

I think it was at this point that I started to develop my own health anxiety. You see I had felt relatively healthy up until that point. I'd usually direct most of my anxiety to other people's health. Then a friend was diagnosed with leukemia. It would later end his life over the space of 2 years. Because he was around my age. It started to change my long held beliefs that these sort of things mostly affected older people.

There is more.... I could literally go on for days. The amount of stress in the last few years. Some people have told me that they are surprised that I'm holding it together so well. Little do they know that most nights I'm checking most of the body for new moles. I check my stools most days for blood. I have had on and off hemorrhoids for the last couple of years. I think it's made worse by my constant stress. Of course I always felt it was something more. I have been to the GP so many times. I have had a colonoscopy. They found nothing. Said I had a healthy colon. And that it was probably hemorrhoids. I even have visible internal hemorrhoids lol. I feel like I'm crazy. I just can't accept professional opinions on something. I get some brief relief and then my brain moves on to but what else?! I feel like I know better. I DON'T. I'm not an expert. I'm an expert googler lol. And for brief moments I know that I'm just being silly but the anxiety always gets the better of me.

I have so many health related stories in the last 20 years of my life.

I'm at the point where if my dad coughs up some phlegm I literally check it to see if there is blood. I see there isn’t and then I feel relief for a little while. He had a lung scan and they found nothing concerning. A little scarring which they said was normal for his age and the fact that he used to be a smoker. I share this info with people. Because I need constant reassurance. A Dr will literally tell me there is nothing to worry about and I still need to Google it. I literally ask my parents about their health every time I see them. Considering their age. They are doing well. My father is 70 and was up fixing his roof the other week. He is fearless compared to me. And I’m a man half his age.

I have done worse than this but I’m not sure if I’m ready to share. What the hell is wrong with me

I need to fix this. I need help. I need someone to talk to. It's destroying my life. Just like my business has collapsed since Corona. Normally I would have had the strength to start again and just press on. I was good at that. But now I feel tired and useless.

It is making me agitated and withdrawn. I don't want to be around friends and family because of my anxiety. It can go into overdrive. I have overshared in the past with them and it has helped. People are generally understanding and want to help. But still I feel like a burden. And go weeks without talking to friends.


Thanks for listening and reading my messy thoughts.