It all began two weeks ago maybe even three, I ended up at the walk-in centre on a Saturday with sinus problems and I was advised to take a covid test. Following the test my hair fell out quite dramatically (unrelated just the timeline of events) , I had an infected finger and a dose of antibiotics and severe bunion pain. My CoVID results were negative (bonus), and every time I have been to a medical setting my BP is 100% even in a state of panic.
I then tore my muscle in my abdomen and had quite a traumatic experience of it at the GP and then a and e! However I spoke to my CPN on Monday and she was very supportive. My weight hasn’t been doing brilliantly and I ended up taking a lot of laxatives on Sunday equally because I was upset about feeling victimised and judged and guilty. There was no intention to harm myself I want to loose weight. Lastly since the laxative day on Sunday I felt not 100% I felt shaky Sunday night. Worsening panic on Monday to the point of headaches hot flushes and fear I was dying. Then yesterday the mind racing was on overdrive to the point I needed a diazepam to calm me down. Only problem is I have woken up today in stomach pains and D and V I had to call my mum for a bowl from down stairs as everything was coming out both ways I couldn’t stop it.
We believe it’s food poisoning.
However I’ve just had enough! I’ve had enough! I can’t fight today I can’t see any positive things any more I just 100% want to curl up and hide. It’s my birthday a month today and I don’t want it. I don’t want anything I’m miserable I hate myself I hate my panic disorder I hate panic attacks it’s so humiliating and difficult. I’ve taken all the medication done everything everyone said and I am left like WTF am I even hanging around for. I’m a waste of space and energy and it’s just bloody pointless.
Brilliant well done life!
I’m just miserable and I can’t shift my weight any bloody lower I am stuck at 13 stone 5lbs and I’ve give up the cake the chocolate and everything else!
Yesterday I felt like I was dying all day I couldn’t even concentrate on the tv in the end and I went to bed last night hoping to wake up today a fresh. Well A) I’ve super pissed off my grandma so she hates me so I have lost that source of outlet and B) I’ve got something else wrong with me!
I’m acutely aware of all my aching bones and I feel exhausted. Just don’t know why I exist or what existence is about any more?! No idea just lost for everything right now.
I quit!


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