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Thread: My worst nightmare

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    227

    My worst nightmare

    So I was hoping to get reassurance from the doc today but instead it added to my panic. :(

    Iíve been having left eye issues for about three months with multiple styes internal and external, all that popped, but my eye is still red and irritated. Of course I did the Google no no which left me with horrible stories about deadly sebaceous gland carcinoma of the eye. Actually there were no stories because itís so rare, just journal articles and of course one case study of a middle aged person that died from it (!!). Yeah, I fed the beast big time.

    Now I canít un-see what Iíve seen so itís hard to put it off as (1) primarily in older people, and (2) super super rare as in like less than one person in my age group per year diagnosed (Iím 38). I of course have got to be that special snowflake. :(

    I went to the doc this morning hoping to be reassured but he said my eyelid looks relatively healthy aside from the irritation and can see leftovers of the stye. Since home treatment hasnít worked heís sending me to an oculoplastic surgeon to take a look and do a biopsy/removal of anything left. Now Iím terrified.

    He said it doesn't look like anything textbook bad, but of course he canít say for certain just on visual exam so we have to have further investigation. I was really really hoping heíd have a solution and dismiss me. Now Iím left with this lingering doubt and more waiting and I canít stop thinking this is it - Iíve finally found something after 20 years of health anxiety.

    Needless to say I canít eat or sleep well so Iím losing weight and am generally being shitty to my poor family who doesn't understand the inner turmoil Iím going through. Ive talked to my husband but heís pretty dismissive and thinks theyíll just cut it out and everything will be fine. I on the other hand am over here writing my will. :(

    Iíve been down this HA road sooo many times and every time I think ďthis is itĒ Iíve been wrong, but each time I convince myself all over again that this time I must be right. The doc didnít help me at all this morning except give me more to worry over. Iím so sad, scared, and frustrated to be here again. I really hope Iím wrong again and thereís some other explanation.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    612

    Re: My worst nightmare

    I know it’s super hard in the midst of a panic - but you need to put your focus on the positive comments he gave. “Looks relatively healthy”, “ doesn’t look like anything textbook bad”, etc. Right now you’re only focused on the negative - “biopsy” - which in your HA driven mind has equated to cancer. Redirect your thoughts - when they go to the negative, gently steer them back to the positive. Once you’ve done that enough times it will become second nature.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    227

    Re: My worst nightmare

    Quote Originally Posted by glassgirlw View Post
    I know itís super hard in the midst of a panic - but you need to put your focus on the positive comments he gave. ďLooks relatively healthyĒ, ď doesnít look like anything textbook badĒ, etc. Right now youíre only focused on the negative - ďbiopsyĒ - which in your HA driven mind has equated to cancer. Redirect your thoughts - when they go to the negative, gently steer them back to the positive. Once youíve done that enough times it will become second nature.
    Itís super hard not to jump to conclusions! My heart just about dropped out of my chest when he said he wanted to refer me to a specialist. I can only see that as being bad news! :(

    In my head heís basically saying it dosent look like anything he normally treats (OK), or itís this scary thing he canít treat (ack!). I wish he could have at least explained what might be going on. He did have one theory that sounds plausible, but itís hard to focus on that and ignore the giant CANCER signs flashing in my brain.

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