My worst nightmare

[ktdid2000]

So I was hoping to get reassurance from the doc today but instead it added to my panic. :(

I’ve been having left eye issues for about three months with multiple styes internal and external, all that popped, but my eye is still red and irritated. Of course I did the Google no no which left me with horrible stories about deadly sebaceous gland carcinoma of the eye. Actually there were no stories because it’s so rare, just journal articles and of course one case study of a middle aged person that died from it (!!). Yeah, I fed the beast big time.

Now I can’t un-see what I’ve seen so it’s hard to put it off as (1) primarily in older people, and (2) super super rare as in like less than one person in my age group per year diagnosed (I’m 38). I of course have got to be that special snowflake. :(

I went to the doc this morning hoping to be reassured but he said my eyelid looks relatively healthy aside from the irritation and can see leftovers of the stye. Since home treatment hasn’t worked he’s sending me to an oculoplastic surgeon to take a look and do a biopsy/removal of anything left. Now I’m terrified.

He said it doesn't look like anything textbook bad, but of course he can’t say for certain just on visual exam so we have to have further investigation. I was really really hoping he’d have a solution and dismiss me. Now I’m left with this lingering doubt and more waiting and I can’t stop thinking this is it - I’ve finally found something after 20 years of health anxiety.

Needless to say I can’t eat or sleep well so I’m losing weight and am generally being shitty to my poor family who doesn't understand the inner turmoil I’m going through. Ive talked to my husband but he’s pretty dismissive and thinks they’ll just cut it out and everything will be fine. I on the other hand am over here writing my will. :(

I’ve been down this HA road sooo many times and every time I think “this is it” I’ve been wrong, but each time I convince myself all over again that this time I must be right. The doc didn’t help me at all this morning except give me more to worry over. I’m so sad, scared, and frustrated to be here again. I really hope I’m wrong again and there’s some other explanation.

[glassgirlw]

I know it’s super hard in the midst of a panic - but you need to put your focus on the positive comments he gave. “Looks relatively healthy”, “ doesn’t look like anything textbook bad”, etc. Right now you’re only focused on the negative - “biopsy” - which in your HA driven mind has equated to cancer. Redirect your thoughts - when they go to the negative, gently steer them back to the positive. Once you’ve done that enough times it will become second nature.

[ktdid2000]

I know it’s super hard in the midst of a panic - but you need to put your focus on the positive comments he gave. “Looks relatively healthy”, “ doesn’t look like anything textbook bad”, etc. Right now you’re only focused on the negative - “biopsy” - which in your HA driven mind has equated to cancer. Redirect your thoughts - when they go to the negative, gently steer them back to the positive. Once you’ve done that enough times it will become second nature.

It’s super hard not to jump to conclusions! My heart just about dropped out of my chest when he said he wanted to refer me to a specialist. I can only see that as being bad news! :(

In my head he’s basically saying it dosent look like anything he normally treats (OK), or it’s this scary thing he can’t treat (ack!). I wish he could have at least explained what might be going on. He did have one theory that sounds plausible, but it’s hard to focus on that and ignore the giant CANCER signs flashing in my brain.