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Thread: Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

  1. #1

    Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

    I have a friend who I have known for 20 years. We used to be extremely close. Hang out every day for years, talk every night etc. The last 8 years our friendship has been different, in that communication is usually superficial and he hides things from me. I really don't know if it is toxic or not, but I feel like I just want to finish this friendship because it gives me a lot of anxiety every time we talk. The thing is, the things he says to me are very subtle, so I can't tell if he is toxic or not, but I never feel good when speaking to him.

    A few examples:

    He deleted me off facebook 5 years ago and when I asked why, he said he didn't remember doing that, and that it doesn't matter because he doesn't use it. I found this out to be a lie, he does use facebook as I have noticed him making comments on mutual friends posts. I asked him to add me back, he says he will, but never gets around to it. This was years ago and he still hasn't gotten around to it.

    My son was sick in hospital for almost 2 weeks. I told him that I was at the hospital with my son and what was happening. He didn't message me for 2 weeks, and then after my son was out of hospital, he just sent a random meme. I asked why didn't you message about my son (who he has known since he was born). He said he didn't want to bother me.

    He also makes little passive aggressive comments, and sometimes I can't tell if I'm just too sensitive. We were messaging on a weekend, and I said hey, and he basically said what.. and I said, sorry, I don't want to wreck your weekend, we can talk later, and he just laughed and said how on earth could I wreck his weekend, as though I was insignificant to him now.

    The thing is, I don't really message him much anymore, every now and then he will send me memes, and I will do the same to him, and we might have a small conversation. But last night we had one, and he was throwing in snide remarks about everything. So I just went silent, and this morning I have blocked him, as I don't want to feel bad anymore.

    I don't know why I'm writing this. Sometimes I just feel crazy and over sensitive. What do you guys think about the examples I have given here?
    Last edited by ForestGirl; 26-10-20 at 04:38.

  2. #2
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    Re: Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

    Hi you have done the right thing, now you just have to let it/him go ... it will feel better given time.
    ps. he sounds narcissistic so is only interested in attention, these are not healthy people to have in your life.
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  3. #3
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    Re: Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

    Quote Originally Posted by ForestGirl View Post
    I have a friend who I have known for 20 years. We used to be extremely close. Hang out every day for years, talk every night etc. The last 8 years our friendship has been different, in that communication is usually superficial and he hides things from me. I really don't know if it is toxic or not, but I feel like I just want to finish this friendship because it gives me a lot of anxiety every time we talk. The thing is, the things he says to me are very subtle, so I can't tell if he is toxic or not, but I never feel good when speaking to him.

    A few examples:

    He deleted me off facebook 5 years ago and when I asked why, he said he didn't remember doing that, and that it doesn't matter because he doesn't use it. I found this out to be a lie, he does use facebook as I have noticed him making comments on mutual friends posts. I asked him to add me back, he says he will, but never gets around to it. This was years ago and he still hasn't gotten around to it.

    My son was sick in hospital for almost 2 weeks. I told him that I was at the hospital with my son and what was happening. He didn't message me for 2 weeks, and then after my son was out of hospital, he just sent a random meme. I asked why didn't you message about my son (who he has known since he was born). He said he didn't want to bother me.

    He also makes little passive aggressive comments, and sometimes I can't tell if I'm just too sensitive. We were messaging on a weekend, and I said hey, and he basically said what.. and I said, sorry, I don't want to wreck your weekend, we can talk later, and he just laughed and said how on earth could I wreck his weekend, as though I was insignificant to him now.

    The thing is, I don't really message him much anymore, every now and then he will send me memes, and I will do the same to him, and we might have a small conversation. But last night we had one, and he was throwing in snide remarks about everything. So I just went silent, and this morning I have blocked him, as I don't want to feel bad anymore.

    I don't know why I'm writing this. Sometimes I just feel crazy and over sensitive. What do you guys think about the examples I have given here?
    It's hard to make a judgement call when there is only one side of the story, but here goes..

    Examples you've given..

    Your 'mate' must have had a reason for deleting you. Where it falls down for me is that he was dishonest when asked the reason why etc.

    Re your son being in hospital - some people will opt to stay away and them think it's the right thing, but offering no support, whatsoever, during a time like that sounds like a friend I wouldn't want to have.

    Passive aggressive comments? Yeah, before my step-daughter removed herself from my life (taking my step-grandson with her) I had to put up with lots of that. In the end, I realised that, to really know her, I just had to look at the way she conducted herself on social media.

    In the end I let my SD go because she clearly didn't want me to be part of her life, and having let go, this distance revealed that life is better without her toxicity.

    Have a think about what this person brings to your life, or doesn't. If this friendship is one-sided and all it brings you is unhappiness, why hang onto it?
    __________________
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  4. #4

    Re: Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

    Thanks for the replies Wise and Nora. Since I have blocked him, I feel at peace. I don't feel like I've lost anything, so I think it was the right decision.

  5. #5
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    Re: Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

    Quote Originally Posted by ForestGirl View Post
    Thanks for the replies Wise and Nora. Since I have blocked him, I feel at peace. I don't feel like I've lost anything, so I think it was the right decision.
    How you feel is the best indicator that you've done the right thing. X
    __________________
    There is a light. There is. Look for it. Look for it shining over your shoulder, on the past. It was light where you went once. It is light where you are now. It will be light where you will go again. ~ Jennifer Worth

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
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    164

    Re: Can't tell if this friendship is toxic or not

    I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself about being over sensitive. I think that especially those of us who do suffer anxiety are more prone to be sensitive. And that’s not a flaw-it usually shows that you are a compassionate and caring person. But it can sometimes cause us to overthink things. I also think that sometimes for guys it’s easier for them to compartmentalise things than it is for us girls. We take things to heart a lot more. It’s just one of those things.... but you will know what’s right for you and what isn’t and how people make you feel. I’m just going to throw this curveball in here now and say that I think that sometimes social media and messaging apps do end up causing people more stress and bother. We live in a very digital world where knowing everyone’s business and every move has become the norm. And I include myself. Often I’ve thought “Oh they’re online, but they’re ignoring me. Who are they messaging?” But actually this is kinda silly when you think about it. 20 years ago we somehow managed quite well without all these tools and I’d go as far as to say life was less complicated then! The thing about the blocking mechanism is therefore actually a good thing, because I think once you decide to do that, psychologically you know you’re not going to hear from the blocked contact and it helps you move on. I was involved in a relationship where the other person was quite unfair to me and I felt like my goodwill had been really taken advantage of mentally. Everything came to a sudden grinding halt and was all a bit of a mess. He had said that he’d like to stay in touch to salvage our “friendship” and that we just needed to let things cool off for a while. I was so used to messaging this person, every day, multiple times a day and I would constantly check my phone, check to see if maybe he was online and would message me, but then I realised it was actually crazy and I shouldn’t be dwelling on it and should move on. So, I decided to block as well and have felt very relieved, as it almost feels like I’m now free of something that was also very toxic. Your situation may be different, but I think there are certain similarities. I hope that you have found peace with the matter though and please always respect and be kind to yourself.

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