fear of causing cross-contamination to others

[antibac]

Hi everyone... I'm so glad I've found this web-site... I've had a quick look around, but haven't as yet found a thread to do exactly with my problem, so here goes... I suffer from very severe OCD which manifests itself in a desperate fear of myself cross-contaminating other people around me, and therefore possibly causing them harm... I've seen lot's of stuff on the web about fear of harmimg ourselves, but in my case, the reality is very different... I worry that my actions could harm someone else, unintentionally of course... Not that I have anything to give anyone, I don't, as far as I know, the problem exists in my head about hygiene to others.. For instance, the other day I was wandering along the street, when I accidentally stood in some 'doggydoo'. I realised straightaway, as you often do, and intended to walk in some grass to clean my shoe. Before I got to the grass, I accidentally kicked a small stick... To cut a long story shorter, I ended up picking up the stick, and reaching in my pocket for some ant-bac (Hence my user name), and proceeded to clean the stick, my hands, my pocket, my coat, everything... I couldn't stop... When I got home, I took off my shoes outside, sprayed them with anti-bac spray... I then got on with things indoors, after washing my hands yet again... The following day, I took keys out of the same pocket, got in the car, went shopping etc, touching things as you do... When I got home later, I then started to worry that if the anti-bac wasn't strong enough, that I'd now contaminated the car... Others drive it, will it make them ill? I even ended up phoning the people I'd visited whilst out shopping... I already worry that when others are ill, my mind conjures up a way of making me feel responsible... It's a horrible way to be... I know I need to confront this in some way in order to beat it, but how can I possibly compromise on stuff to do with hygiene? Do others have this problem too... How do you safely deal with it? This is ruining my life, and I want to be happy again... Please help...
Thank you

[kate]

Hi antibac and welcome.

I don't have exactly the same problem as you but I do fear that my actions will cause harm to others.

I always fear leaving the gas on or a fag burning in the ashtray which will then burst into flames and cause a fire which will hurt others. I also fear not putting the handbrake on the car in case it rolls away and harms others. There are also a whole lot of other things that worry me, all to do with my actions harming others.

It's all down to anxiety, which manifests itself in many ways. Have you sought any treatment for this?

Kate

[antibac]

Hi Kate... Thank you for your reply. I'm receiving counselling care, I visit that tomorrow... I also attend a day-centre, but I've needed to cancel todays visit, cos I don't feel up to it. I'm intending to go through these issues with the counsellor tomorrow, and then try to return to day centre after. I was to be going ten-pin bowling this afternoon, which involves sharing equipment... But I'm no use to them or me if I freak out while there, so I'm taking the gentler route tomorrow. Logically, this all exists in my fear thinking I suppose, but unconsciously, I'm being sabotaged by thoughts of inadvertently harming another by cross-contamination, and then feeling uncontrollably guilty about it... I used to work in care work, but this OCD made my work impossible... If anyone is ill, I try and link myself to it, so I then start worrying allover again...
This is ruining my life, and probably of those around me too... I can't sleep properly, don't feel like eating anything, I forever seek assurance, but find my mind trying to over-ride everything, just for me...
I don't fear catching anything myself, just fear 'giving' something to someone else... This makes this condition almost impossible to control...
I sometimes wonder what has caused this, but there's probably no real point to that, I really need to pull clear of this thing, cos it's frightening the life out of me...

[kate]

Glad to see you are receiving some councelling, it's a long process but things can get a whole lot better.

Wishing you well

Kate

[antibac]

Thanks Kate. Yes, I'm gonna see my counsellor person in the morning. I managed to go out in the car this afternoon... I wore the same coat, I didn't wash it first, I've been told that there is no need to, (as I'd already anti-bacced it at the time), and didn't take the anti-bac gel with me... I did that on purpose, so I would have to manage without it.
I got there and home okay, and sorted out some other stuff while my wife was on the phone, then attempted to do some washing up from earlier... I got half-way through, then had to stop... My of my childrens friends had come around to play... Oh crikey! I thought... Should I tell them that I have this fear, or just leave it, because as of yet, there is no evidence of any problem occuring due to Friday evenings events... It's looking as though I've maybe just had a massive, massive scare, right just when I didn't need it...
I think I need to stop talking about it so much at home, and just use this web-site to share how I feel, in order that it might help others... And me of course... I'll see my counsellor in the morning, and we can work some cognitive behavioural therapy stuff on this difficulty I have... I tend to feel that, When (I nearly said if!) I've worked through some good ways of coping with this one, I'll be able to cope with anything... I certainly hope so...
By the way, Where does that quotation from Winston Churchill come from? I know he suffered bad periods of depression, that he called his 'black dog'.
Strange that the wording is so close to the start of this problem for me...
Thanks again, antibac

[kate]

Hi antibac,

Well done, first of all, on wearing the same coat. It might not seem a big deal but to YOU it was a big step. How did you feel during the time you were wearing the coat? Were you anxious? If so, how did you overcome or cope with the feelings?

I don't know whether not talking about your problems at hope would be of benefit to you or not. I know that I seek reassurance a lot from my husband and I know he gets pretty fed up with it However, trying to cover up your fears just makes you more intraverted and insular and may make the problems worth. What does your wife think? Does she discuss your problems with you?

It wouldn't hurt though to write all your thoughts and fears down here as it is bound to help. Keeping any kind of diary/journal helps put things more into perspective. Just reading back on what you have written can be extremely helpful and help you to put a different slant on your problems.

How long have you had your problems and how long have you been receiving CBT? Are you finding it helpful?

Kate

[antibac]

Hi again kate... Thank you! I was scared to start with while wearing the coat...
This morning, I went to see my counsellor, and I went through the process of putting my hand on the table, purposely as if to contaminate it... I wasn't carrying the anti-bac. Using breathing relaxation, I managed to put my hand on the table... My anxiety went up... I relaxed with support, keeping my hand still on the table... I'm chatting to my counsellor through this as I go...
When the time came to lift my hand from the table, that's when the touble started... My anxiety went through the roof, I could see the sweat on the table under my fingers... Relax, breathe from the stomach, relax, breathe from the stomach, relax (relaxing the Muscles round the eyes helps this), keep breathing, then the hand that seemed welded to the table was able to lift with my arm relaxed... I looked at the sweat... The therapist helped me to consider that the mark on the table was harmless, regardless... I did more relax, breathe from the stomach, relax, breathe from the stomach, relax, and then was actually able to leave the table without cleaning it...
As I came out of the health centre, I put my hand on the stair rail, and ran my hand all the way down, I stressed up a bit when taking my hand off, but managed to keep going, then actually managed tp push a shopping trolley around a shop for my wife... It was difficult, but I survived it, and so will everyone else, everyone is saying it to me...
I managed to drive myseldf to the music group, where they knew in advance how I was yesterday. I sat at the keyboard, and just rested my hands on it, feeling the cotours of the unit... I started playing, a little anxious, but once I started singing, I didn't worry so much about my hands on the keyboard...
I went and washed my hands at break... Just once, then queued up to get a drink... I watched others take money out of their pockets and pay, so I did the same, with a little difficulty... But I did it, and I'll survive, and so will everyone else... We have a lot of immunity built into us, and that gets strengthened when we challenge it, I guess much like muscles respond to exercise... I don't worry about others touching my things, so I guess it flows that They are to metouching theirs, from within their own life circumstances... Just as me... I'm trying to accept this, but it will take time, but in the meantime everyone else will be okay... I have to try and believe that... I'm gonna try the website livinglifetothefull.com, they do printouts to fill in as we try to cope with unhelpful thoughts etc. See what you think, it's run by the NHS so it's good and above board.
I do ask a lot of support from my wife, and she does find it a problem, especially in the middle of the night when my thoughts start racing in the dark, but I try to work my thoughts out without disturbing her any more than I can help, which is good for me too...
I've had this since working in jobs where I was responsible for others over my home life... Snow clearing and road salting hospital sites in winter... Doing demanding and stressful care work... I'm sorry this reply is so long! I'll chat again later... Stay in touch... and thankyou... antibac
p.s. the tuesday message on inspirationpeak.com, about letting go, is linked to another poem called 'letting go', it is great for OCD... See what you think... antibac

[kate]

Hi antibac,

Reading your post I think you have coped really, really well .

You are constantly challenging yourself and your behaviour which is a massive step.

I just noticed that I forgot to tell you where I got my sig quote from From what I remember, I just googled inspirational quotes and a load of them come up. At the time, I was having counselling and the attitude thing just kind of summed up my thinking at the time. It is, of course, very true though. Our attitude matters so much in our progressing forward.

As long as you don't have to pay for the Livinglife site, then yes, give it a go. I get annoyed by any site that wants payment as they are only going over the same knowledge that is available free on other sites/through our GP.

I looked at the inspiration site, there are some lovely quotes on there. I liked this one:-



"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."


Sometimes we need to stop and take stock of each minute of each day. Learn to not look ahead, enjoy the moment and remember what good things we have in our lives. It is so hard when we have anxiety. We are so wrapped up in our own feelings that we forget the wider picture. Soooo hard though when we feel so awful

Anyway, keep pushing yourself forward, don't let this rule your life, keep challenging it.

Think of OCD as they bully. Stand up to it and don't let it dictate how you run your life.

You are doing really well

Kate

[recovery]

Can cross contamination be not contaminating others just your self

[Jimgym]

Hi Guys,

I'm a new member to NMP and thought I could help you.

I used to have OCD - especially about contaminating others and so can see where you are coming from. But am now I am a microbiologist!

Now there are a number of things that I can see when I read the initial post (I'm sorry but I havent read the rest - I'ma little tired!).

You mentioned that you stood in dog poo (Something that thousands of people must do each day) and then you transferred this onto a stick which you were then worried might go on to infect someone...

I can see how this would affect you and I though this it is obvious that you are a very caring person BUT you are going too far. Its probably obvious to you that you are going too far and that you know you are having irrational thoughts - I know for me that to stop a 'worry' I only needed to confide in my mum and she would tell me how 'silly' i was being.

So, first of all: Thousands of people step in dog poo each day and how many of them can you say end up ill? Well you can't really. No one really knows but the number is probably very small. Plus even when they do it's hardly going to be something serious - Stomach ache/diarrhea etc but nothing life threatening.

Second of all: Don't forget that as humans we have immune systems. These are designed to cope with the bacteria etc that we come into contact with in our daily lives. We don't need to be obsessive about contamination becasue in reality out bodies can fight it without us needing to make sure everything is 100% clean.

Third of all: If someone was to get ill from the stick that you wiped on are you to blame? how about the inconsiderate person who decided it was a good idea to let their dog defacate and then not clear it up? Are YOU really to blame? Surely you're the victim here?

Don't forget that we live in the Western World where the vast majority of bacteria are harmless and those that do can only cause a mild tummy ache or mild inconvenience. Please don't get hung up on trying to keep yourself sterile - please enjoy yourself!

As I said I'm a microbiologist, anything you want help with feel free to message me,
Jim