My Anxiety...

[jbartram_7]

I have anxiety.

I smoke every thirty minutes.
If I don't smoke, I get violent and angry. It makes me look like a spoiled brat, I know I'm that guy who deserves to be gassed, but I don't know how to get over it.

I have abnormal sexual impulses that sometimes take over half a day, and distracts me from work.

I hear voices, specifically my own thoughts spoken back to me with commentary, mocking and threats, sometimes constructive decision making.

I lose all respect for life, and consider death to not only be what I deserve, but what I long for. Times like these are more frequent than not.

I'm incapable of being around anyone but my parents, and even that's difficult.

I dont trust anyone as I have been betrayed by everyone several times over. Life has nothing to offer me, I think death is much kinder.

I call the crisis line sometimes 3 times a day and brainstorm solutions to my current problems, none of which solve the catastrophic big problem, that keeps me out of society.

I truly believe life would be better off without me and I would be better off without life. But I'm not allowed to own guns, and I'm not about to commit to slitting my arteries. I imagine the "no going back" feeling would be worse than the endless hell Ive lived in my whole life.

BTW: im an ungrateful bratty man child, the worst there is. I know it and I can't escape it. I'm a disgrace to humanity and everyone who ever meets me understands that. My only possessions, a new car, and computer, has been the lust of many better, poorer people, who have worked for their stuff, while I just eat my dad's retirement and wine like an adult 2 year old. I would love to rid the earth of people like me.

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[NoraB]

I have anxiety.

I smoke every thirty minutes.
If I don't smoke, I get violent and angry. It makes me look like a spoiled brat, I know I'm that guy who deserves to be gassed, but I don't know how to get over it.

I have abnormal sexual impulses that sometimes take over half a day, and distracts me from work.

I hear voices, specifically my own thoughts spoken back to me with commentary, mocking and threats, sometimes constructive decision making.

I lose all respect for life, and consider death to not only be what I deserve, but what I long for. Times like these are more frequent than not.

I'm incapable of being around anyone but my parents, and even that's difficult.

I dont trust anyone as I have been betrayed by everyone several times over. Life has nothing to offer me, I think death is much kinder.

I call the crisis line sometimes 3 times a day and brainstorm solutions to my current problems, none of which solve the catastrophic big problem, that keeps me out of society.

I truly believe life would be better off without me and I would be better off without life. But I'm not allowed to own guns, and I'm not about to commit to slitting my arteries. I imagine the "no going back" feeling would be worse than the endless hell Ive lived in my whole life.

BTW: im an ungrateful bratty man child, the worst there is. I know it and I can't escape it. I'm a disgrace to humanity and everyone who ever meets me understands that. My only possessions, a new car, and computer, has been the lust of many better, poorer people, who have worked for their stuff, while I just eat my dad's retirement and wine like an adult 2 year old. I would love to rid the earth of people like me.

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I'm sorry you're struggling like this, but kudos for your honesty. (see, you're not the terrible human being you profess to be)

I stand by what I've always said on here - no matter how much life shits in our faces, we can turn things around - if we want to.

Everything you've mentioned you can get help for, but ultimately there has to be a mind-shift where you tell yourself you are going to change your life and that's all there is to it.

Betrayal? I've been there cocker - many times -but I refuse to give those ********s the satisfaction of me considering myself less of a human being because of their rejection and their issues. On the contrary, I'm stronger, and that's because I choose to be.

Bottom line: no matter how crap our lives are, we can turn things around by reframing situations, taking responsibility for ourselves, and by accepting that life will occasionally be crap no matter what we do because that's life.

You care enough about life to reach out on here. You want to live, just not like this, right?

I thought that life had nothing more to give me once. I was so wrong. It had a lot to give me. I just had to turn myself around to see where I was going to go, and not focus on where I'd been.

Welcome to the forum btw...

[jbartram_7]

Thanks. My psychologists tell me I'm very aware, and I used to believe awareness was most of the solution, but it's not. There's something I'm supposed to actually do to become a better person, and I can't figure it out.

Quitting smoking will improve me alot if I weren't prone to rage when I'm going through withdrawal. I often visualize myself hurting or scaring people chronically in an age where the slightest slight is punishable by death.

I know there's ways to channel anger energy into productivity, but what if there's a slight leak that puts me in the grave?

I find that the tougher and stronger I am the more I suffer for a slight mistake, and if I'm not that strong, I suffer the same or more for other mistakes. Where's the mercy and grace? Did God abandon the earth? What if everyone followed mercy, grace, and forgiveness, and yet not enough to damage production? It's all a conundrum. And I'm on the bottom side of it.

The only thing I can do is face failure and hope I get something. Is failure all we can expect? I'd better get used to it I guess. Even if I only hold a job for one month, I suppose I should be happy with the $2000 and all the income reporting I have to do over it? To save my dad $600?

A lot of work for a little bit of money! I suppose that's all we can expect. Less perfection? More perfection?

It's a conundrum that boggles me. Don't think about it? Stop wondering? Ive found the conundrum and nothing else matters? There's no solution?

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[NoraB]

Thanks. My psychologists tell me I'm very aware

Me too mate - it's exhausting.

I often visualize myself hurting or scaring people chronically in an age where the slightest slight is punishable by death.

Sounds more like OCD to me?

What if everyone followed mercy, grace, and forgiveness, and yet not enough to damage production?

Human beings are flawed. The above comes naturally to only a few of us, and I reckon even the Dalai Lama gets pissed off at times...

The only thing I can do is face failure and hope I get something. Is failure all we can expect? I'd better get used to it I guess. Even if I only hold a job for one month, I suppose I should be happy with the $2000 and all the income reporting I have to do over it? To save my dad $600?

'Failure' can be re-framed to 'learning opportunities' because making mistakes is how learn.

Successful people don't take no for an answer. Failure isn't in their resume. I don't just mean successful in business or money, I mean that this applies to life in general. Bad stuff happens, they accept it, but they also look for the positives in it.

It's a conundrum that boggles me. Don't think about it? Stop wondering? Ive found the conundrum and nothing else matters? There's no solution?

I get you cocker. You overthink life and everything about it. So did I. It took a nervous breakdown and the development of a chronic illness to tone it all down and start accepting that bad stuff happens and life can be hard. It's how we respond when the shit hits the fan that makes us who we are, and in that, it's never too late to change.