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Thread: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

  1. #21
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Quote Originally Posted by NoraB View Post
    Yes, there is, thankfully.

    However, I've had run-ins with several autistic males (members of the autistic dark web) who question people's diagnoses if they have had jobs, been married or have reproduced. It was an eye-opener for me because I naively thought I'd never experience hostility and abuse from people who are like me? Boy was I wrong! One young lady called me the C word, which rhymes with punt, and that's because I advocate positivity with autism, and also because I'm not opposed to people who self-diagnose based on the theory that nobody would choose to be autistic - you either are or you're not.



    For 46 years I didn't know that my struggles with life are because I'm autistic. I had no support and no early intervention - like so many of my generation and those before us. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore - I was more persona than me because being me earned me abuse. I had to be someone else in order to survive if that makes sense? Even then, it's like people can sense I'm different, you know? One girl walked up to me on my first day of high school and she slapped me across my face for no reason at all. Well, I say no reason - apparently she didn't like my face.



    Alas, I have the verbal communication skills of a wheelie bin, so I'm limited to online ramblings.

    A wheelie bin?! What rubbish! I refuse to believe that!

  2. #22
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    That's reminded me, I need to take the bins out today.
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  3. #23
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    A wheelie bin?! What rubbish! I refuse to believe that!
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  4. #24
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Quote Originally Posted by WiredIncorrectly View Post
    I've never been proactive in seeking relationships.
    I've never initiated a friendship in my entire life.

    Re boys 'n' blokes. It's fair to say that once my zits cleared up when I was 14 boys (and much older boys) treated me me differently and were seemingly prepared to overlook the fact that I was the school weirdo. I didn't understand social norms or recognise dangerous situations, and I got myself into some scrapes, I can tell you.

    I've done the therapy, and the memories no longer have me curling up into the foetal position.

    I can't tell you how many times I've thanked God that I never had a daughter, in particular, one like me. (my nerves couldn't take it)
    Last edited by NoraB; 09-11-20 at 13:24.
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  5. #25
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Sorry to hear that Nora. I have no words, that sounds terrible, but it's great you was able to move forward.

    I've been taken advantage of many times. They say it's aspies that can put on a good act but in my opinion those NT's that manipulated me for their own benefit can act equally well to get what they want.

    Children are fun and not so fun. When they're acting up its hell with my mental health. But, he helps me a lot and he's helped me become a better adult in the process. He's my best friend.
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  6. #26
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    My son is quite naive and can be taken advantage of easily whereas my daughter is very cautious and terrified of making mistakes and not doing the "right" thing.

    Life is never dull

  7. #27
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    My son is quite naive and can be taken advantage of easily whereas my daughter is very cautious and terrified of making mistakes and not doing the "right" thing.

    Life is never dull
    I'd imagine I'm like your son in many ways. You speak of him often and I see similarities. My mom says I'm naive and gullible (not in a mean way).

    Your daughter on the spectrum too? Hope your son is doing well.
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  8. #28
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Yes she is and she also has Maudsley diagnosed OCD, severe anxiety and depression. My son is on quite a cocktail of meds but he's started his therapy now after a year long wait. The trauma is still with him but he is functioning better thanks.

    I don't think I'll ever be a grandmother though....although I'm an expert on washing machine brands, the Lion King, female singers killed in their prime and Andrex loo rolls!

  9. #29
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Quote Originally Posted by WiredIncorrectly View Post
    Sorry to hear that Nora. I have no words, that sounds terrible, but it's great you was able to move forward.
    It took me 46 years, but, yeah, I got there in the end lol

    Al I can say is that I think somebody was working overtime for me *points to the sky* because I really should have come to harm so many times, but I didn't. One day, many years later, I saw a medium (one of the genuine ones) and she told me that my grandmother (deceased since I was 6) was protecting me. In her mind she saw me surrounded by barbed wire, and although it has to be said that I have been abused and encountered physical harm as well as mental, there have been many occasions where I've felt protected..

    One day I was driving home from work - doing 50 in a 50 zone because the conditions were fine. It was a route I took every day. This one day I heard somebody almost shout, 'SLOW DOWN!'. There was only me in the car, and nobody about!

    Now, there was no apparent reason to slow down, but I did slow down, and the next thing - a lorry pulled out in front of me. Because I'd slowed down, I had time to swerve onto the other side of the road to avoid the lorry. The skid marks were there for days afterwards. (ones on the road, not in ma pants lol) It was obvious the driver hadn't seen me because of the look on his face. Later on, I realised that, if I hadn't obeyed that voice - I would have ploughed into the side of the lorry because we are talking a matter of seconds between me hearing the voice and reacting. A little Punto slamming into the side of a truck? Game over time, or serious injuries. The other odd thing was the lack of oncoming traffic. This was drivetime zone and usually it was busy, but there was no oncoming traffic - which meant that I didn't hit anything on the other side!

    I don't know if it was my Gran or who, but somebody intervened and saved my life.

    Re everything else? Maybe it's all been part of the plan? Maybe I had to go through some serious shit in order to be strong for my vulnerable son and protect him in a way that my parents never protected me, not because they were bad parents (on the contrary, they were the best) but I couldn't verbalise what was in my head or what was happening to me. At home, I was always in my room listening to music, reading, or watching TV with my dad. Like my son, school was school and home was home. I never talked about my day. How could they have helped me when they didn't know anything was wrong? Mum, I think was autistic herself, and I always remember her saying this to me: 'You're here, but you seem to be very far away'. She didn't understand how accurate that was because I had to be somewhere else in my head in order to survive. Far from being unimaginative, as people presume with autistics - I have a very vivid and intense inner world. Or I did before I had a breakdown..

    In later years I was able to tell my mother about the bullying at school but the expression of hurt on her face made me understand that I could never tell her the worst of what has happened to me. If the tame stuff hurt her so much, she wouldn't cope with the rest. So I told it all to a therapist instead - someone whose heart wasn't going to break when I told my story. I loved my mother, so I spared her the pain, but I guess she knows everything there is to know now because I don't think there are any secrets in 'heaven'.

    At the end of the day, I know that all roads have brought me here, to a place where I have a bloke who loves me, even though I do his head in, and I have three boys who I would die for. To change one shitty thing in my life but be to change it all, and I would go through it all again to have my children.

    Bloody hell, I've come over all emosh!
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  10. #30
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    Re: What if I am the center of my own Universe?

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    female singers killed in their prime and Andrex loo rolls!
    I love the loo roll one..

    One of my obsessions has been serial killers. I like to think it keeps Hubs on his toes.
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