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Thread: Son's ex-wife in ICU

  1. #21
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    Thanks everyone for your very helpful input. I shouldn't be criticising my wife on a forum but sometimes you have to want to help yourself. Her health problems are genuine, I was there when each was diagnosed. But I wish that she would push back against them occasionally. I know its not easy and I should maybe apply it to myself, but I've suggested short walks around the block now and again. Just to get her blood flowing and muscles moving again. She is as unfit as a body can get I should imagine, but small steps could make a big difference if only she were willing to try.

    She has got Germolene antiseptic cream which I put on the sore earlier, it seems to stop it getting bigger but not be rid of it entirely. I don't help by taking everything upstairs for her, maybe I should make her come down but then it would be more guilt tripping/manipulation.
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  2. #22
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    What if your daughter asked your wife? Think she could lure her out to go for a walk?
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  3. #23
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    FM65, as long as that sore looks red and 'angry' as my old GP would have said, fine. But if it darkens or worse still, appears to be going black under the skin then it's serious.

  4. #24
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    Quote Originally Posted by fishman65 View Post
    Thanks everyone for your very helpful input. I shouldn't be criticising my wife on a forum but sometimes you have to want to help yourself. Her health problems are genuine, I was there when each was diagnosed. But I wish that she would push back against them occasionally. I know its not easy and I should maybe apply it to myself, but I've suggested short walks around the block now and again. Just to get her blood flowing and muscles moving again. She is as unfit as a body can get I should imagine, but small steps could make a big difference if only she were willing to try.
    Do you think she could be depressed?

    Fitness absolutely makes a difference with chronic illness. Your wife would benefit mentally and physically by moving about. Some days my fibro puts me in bed or on the sofa but I try to move every 40 minutes...

    I don't know what conditions your Mrs has, so it's hard to comment, but if she isn't bed-bound, and there are no concerns with her using the stairs, then maybe stop seeing to her every need? Give her the incentive to do stuff for herself, and if she doesn't want to get out into the fresh air - don't let that stop you (unless someone has to be with her) and even then, it's important that you get some respite.
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  5. #25
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    Fishman, when my mum had a bedsore from sitting in her chair a few months back the district nurse got her something called Derma-S. It's a barrier cream. A tiny amount is put on. Sorted it out in no time. It might be prescription only but if so perhaps your GP can prescribe some?

    I don't think anyone but yourselves can answer whether any of your attitudes are reasonable. None of us know enough to criticise really and parents won't know everything that goes on between partners either. Maybe your wife is more narrow or more interested in her son's side? Maybe you are more open-minded to what happens between couples? Maybe your son knows things about his ex that mean she was worse? Or vice versa. But to be honest I'm not sure how much of that even matters right now since even if you didn't care you would still care about how your kids feel and the impact of them being afraid of losing their mum. And it only speaks to your compassion that you are willing to put differences aside in a time of need some of which will also be because of the kids involved.

    Does it make you a bad person. No, not at all. Even if she were a hell cat it would only make you easier to sympathy from but given she is in an ICU with a history of heart attack does it matter so much? Isn't it being the bigger person?
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  6. #26
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    Quote Originally Posted by fishman65 View Post
    Thanks everyone for your very helpful input. I shouldn't be criticising my wife on a forum but sometimes you have to want to help yourself. Her health problems are genuine, I was there when each was diagnosed. But I wish that she would push back against them occasionally. I know its not easy and I should maybe apply it to myself, but I've suggested short walks around the block now and again. Just to get her blood flowing and muscles moving again. She is as unfit as a body can get I should imagine, but small steps could make a big difference if only she were willing to try.

    She has got Germolene antiseptic cream which I put on the sore earlier, it seems to stop it getting bigger but not be rid of it entirely. I don't help by taking everything upstairs for her, maybe I should make her come down but then it would be more guilt tripping/manipulation.
    You'll grow to resent her if she continues to manipulate you though..and gentle exercise really does help chronic pain conditions. It's not all about taking regular opioids and lying in bed these days. Any decent pain management consultant will tell you that. I do hope you can get her to do more stuff for herself..I know it's not easy and she won't like it one bit but for her own physical and mental health..and yours!..she needs to help herself and not rely on you totally.

  7. #27
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    I hope there is better news from the hospital today. Whatever the history she is still the mother of your grandchildren and you have every right to be concerned and worried about her.

  8. #28
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    Thank you to everyone, you're all troopers offering good common sense and advice. And believe me I'm very grateful for that.

    There is no news today about my son's ex. No news in that situation can only be good. As for Mrs F, I've put some more Germolene on that sore and Voltarol on her shoulder and hip. She's now got some bleeding from her bowel which I'm hoping will stop, it usually does but the majority of my anxiety seems to surround her illnesses.

    Nora - Mrs F was diagnosed with epilepsy in 1994 so before I met her, a correction on my earlier statement that I'd been present every time she was diagnosed. The epilepsy is 'brittle epilepsy' and partially controlled by the meds, carbamazepine.

    The crohns disease was diagnosed early 2000 and she's been on various medications including olsalazine and intermittent steroids, usually prednisolone. The steroids work wonders but side effects, both long and short are a problem. She had surgery in 2008. She has been told by her specialist that a bag is all they will offer her now.

    In 2015 she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, another autoimmune disease that often goes hand in hand with crohns. Though last year her rheumatology specialist told us it had gone into remission but that she now had fibromyalgia. I believe fibromyalgia is a set of symptoms rather than disease as such? Anyway she gets joint and muscle pain, tiredness and she can sleep for ever.

    She also has type 2 diabetes though largely controlled by metformin. Then there is paroxetine for depression/anxiety. She takes dihydrocodeine and has fentanyl patches, both for pain relief. So a wheelbarrow is usually needed when picking up her prescription. I also wonder if her sleeping is at least partly due to the volume of medication? Oh I forgot trazadone.

    Anyway the blood from her bowel has sent my anxiety off. I really don't have any fuel left in the tank to worry about my son's ex, he will have to deal with that. Though the blood/bowel issue is something she knows will cause anxiety, so its a fail-safe way to get my attention. I think I already resent her Pulisa and that makes me feel bad so I get a vicious circle of guilt going.
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  9. #29
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    I don't blame you, Fishman and don't feel guilty for admitting it. It's an entirely understandable reaction. You can only take so much and she knows how to trigger your anxieties re the bleeding.

    I'm not surprised she is sleeping all the time with that cocktail of pain meds. Have the meds been reviewed recently? Surely a better diet and some exercise would help with the Type 2 diabetes? What does she think of your weight loss and improved physical health?

  10. #30
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    Re: Son's ex-wife in ICU

    Anxiety up and running now, though our hospitals aren't allowing visitors, I've just checked on the websites. She has her meds reviewed once a year like me, but it should be more frequently tbh. A course of steroids would help settle her bowel but she doesn't like to take them, which I can understand. Whenever I mention exercise she resists, though as Vee suggested above I'll see if she'll go for a walk with our daughter.

    She says I've done well with my weight loss/exercise, other than that it doesn't seem to register.
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