Son's ex-wife in ICU

[glassgirlw]

Hi, Fishman. My mom is on many of the same meds as Mrs F, it sounds like. She also has Fibromyalgia and Type 2 Diabetes and is constantly tired. I strongly believe that those meds are a good part of why she has no energy. But when I mention it it tends to fall on deaf ears.

I absolutely understand the frustration of watching a loved one refuse to try and get up and about, even to just go for a drive and get some fresh air. You shouldn’t feel guilty for having the thoughts you do. I have the same ones in regards to my mom...I feel like all we can do is continue to try and encourage different behavior, and take breaks for ourselves when we need to. It’s very emotionally exhausting to be the primary source of care. Just don’t forget to take some time away for yourself to breathe.

[Carnation]

Fishman, I think it wise to let your son deal with the ex daughter n law. You have enough on your plate as it is, everyone knows that. x
By the way, you are not running your wife down, you are just explaining things as they are. She certainly has a culmination of illnesses and it must put a terrible strain on you. We also tend to worry about others rather than ourselves. I do hope you are taking a little time for yourself. Love works both ways, you know.
It certainly been a year of it for you and have you stopped to think how well you have coped with it all? You've been brilliant fishman, you need to remind yourself of that and give yourself some tlc too. x

[fishman65]

A very big thank you to both, you're gonna make me bawl. Where would I be without NMP members? Not a good day today, the anxiety has come to visit. I had my anxiety-ears on when daughter told me they had Covid in Spar where she's supervisor. What she actually said was one worker's parents had it and they hadn't seen those parents in months. My daughter makes allowances for me though.

Glassgirl, yes our loved ones sound very similar. It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same? Well not with my wife obviously as you don't know her.

Carnation, yes I suppose I haven't done too badly. I do think volunteering as my Dad's bubble was a mistake though. Brother lives closer by 4 miles and a nephew just 10 minutes walk across some fields. But Dad's just phoned and I said I'd try to get over tomorrow, its me he wants and I should be touched.

[pulisa]

A very big thank you to both, you're gonna make me bawl. Where would I be without NMP members? Not a good day today, the anxiety has come to visit. I had my anxiety-ears on when daughter told me they had Covid in Spar where she's supervisor. What she actually said was one worker's parents had it and they hadn't seen those parents in months. My daughter makes allowances for me though.

Glassgirl, yes our loved ones sound very similar. It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same? Well not with my wife obviously as you don't know her.

Carnation, yes I suppose I haven't done too badly. I do think volunteering as my Dad's bubble was a mistake though. Brother lives closer by 4 miles and a nephew just 10 minutes walk across some fields. But Dad's just phoned and I said I'd try to get over tomorrow, its me he wants and I should be touched.

..But it's an additional commitment perhaps? Don't feel bad about thinking that though. The others should pull their weight but you're available and reliable and aren't going to say no..

Mrs F has adopted invalid status and that suits her but is it what you want for her ultimately? It seems a shame that she has chosen to be looked after rather than do her bit to contribute to the running of your home. It doesn't have to be a lot to begin with but just something to lighten the overall load?

[AntsyVee]

It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same?

That's the codependency. Check out this article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...-care-too-much

[fishman65]

..But it's an additional commitment perhaps? Don't feel bad about thinking that though. The others should pull their weight but you're available and reliable and aren't going to say no..

Mrs F has adopted invalid status and that suits her but is it what you want for her ultimately? It seems a shame that she has chosen to be looked after rather than do her bit to contribute to the running of your home. It doesn't have to be a lot to begin with but just something to lighten the overall load?

You make some good points Pulisa as ever and draw attention to situations I'd rather not deal with. When I first mentioned the option of shielding she was up there in a flash, most people would probably object. She is like her mother in that respect but yes invalid status she has taken on quite readily. But by doing everything I'm enabling her. Though often its easier to just do it rather than have the snide comments.

I remember an instance going back 10 years or more when she asked me to peel her an orange from the kitchen. I suggested she could do that herself so grudgingly she did. However for the rest of the evening and indeed on going to bed, she was still making remarks about that orange. And so I wished I'd just peeled it. My daughter has called it abuse. She used to do more around the house but has used her ailments as a get out clause. But then if I see her struggling and in pain, I feel bad for thinking that in the first place. Ultimately I would like my wife back.

[fishman65]

That's the codependency. Check out this article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...-care-too-much

Thanks Vee, that does sound like me in many respects. I think when this virus palaver is all over, we should see someone in a professional capacity. Though I doubt Mrs F will be keen.

[pulisa]

You make some good points Pulisa as ever and draw attention to situations I'd rather not deal with. When I first mentioned the option of shielding she was up there in a flash, most people would probably object. She is like her mother in that respect but yes invalid status she has taken on quite readily. But by doing everything I'm enabling her. Though often its easier to just do it rather than have the snide comments.

I remember an instance going back 10 years or more when she asked me to peel her an orange from the kitchen. I suggested she could do that herself so grudgingly she did. However for the rest of the evening and indeed on going to bed, she was still making remarks about that orange. And so I wished I'd just peeled it. My daughter has called it abuse. She used to do more around the house but has used her ailments as a get out clause. But then if I see her struggling and in pain, I feel bad for thinking that in the first place. Ultimately I would like my wife back.

Your daughter has sussed her out and so have you...but she's your wife so I appreciate that it's hard to challenge her when you have gone along with her behaviours for so long. A good chronic pain consultant would give you both more relevant advice on living-not sleeping-with a chronic pain condition but she would have to be ready to be challenged. I want you to get your wife back because you don't deserve to be treated like a doormat.

[fishman65]

I want you to get your wife back because you don't deserve to be treated like a doormat.

She has to go outside first to do that Pulisa But thank you, you're a real star.

[pulisa]

She has to go outside first to do that Pulisa But thank you, you're a real star.

I know I'm interfering and speaking out of turn but I do want you to get her back..and I think she would like her life back too.