Son's ex-wife in ICU

[fishman65]

Pulisa, you're doing neither. Its something we both need to work on. I need to step back and she needs to step up. And I appreciate your advice, you know that

[glassgirlw]

Glassgirl, yes our loved ones sound very similar. It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same? Well not with my wife obviously as you don’t know her.

It’s kind of an odd situation with my mom because as I’ve gotten older, and deal with my own HA issues, I’ve realized that my moms a pretty big hypochondriac. She’s highly susceptible to suggestion - for instance, as soon as she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia she had joined tons of forums and sits in her chair all day as she reads about others symptoms and then develops them herself. I don’t mean to imply she doesn’t have some of these symptoms, but rather than her fight back against it and try, she just accepts that “it’s the fibro” and stays in her chair. It’s so frustrating to see our loved ones almost just give up.

[NoraB]

I’ve realized that my moms a pretty big hypochondriac. She’s highly susceptible to suggestion - for instance, as soon as she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia she had joined tons of forums and sits in her chair all day as she reads about others symptoms and then develops them herself. I don’t mean to imply she doesn’t have some of these symptoms, but rather than her fight back against it and try, she just accepts that “it’s the fibro” and stays in her chair. It’s so frustrating to see our loved ones almost just give up.

I have fibromyalgia, and it's one of those conditions which isn't life-threatening but it is hugely life-affecting. Some days I am in bed because I'm in so much pain I can't function and painkillers don't always work. As it is, I am always in some level of pain. It's cost me a lot in terms of quality of life which in turn effects my family. I have a very big problem with people who are dismissive of fibromyalgia. It's a real condition with real pain. It's thought to be a problem with the brain and nervous system but nobody is 100% sure what causes it yet, though this theory does make sense to me. The difference with me is that I'm a stubborn bugger who won't be dictated to - by people or life. So I fight. Because if I don't, I might as well be dead. And I also deal with the guilt of holidays cut short or cancelled altogether because I'm not well enough to go. Or me being in bed when my sons are over (they're not local). I hate that I can no longer do what I want to do. If I want to decorate - it now takes me months as opposed to hours or days. To be fair to you, it does sound like your mum has surrendered to this condition, and you have my sympathy for that, but try not to assume that her pain isn't real, because it is.

If your mum is suggestable, as you say, try and use this to your advantage and 'sell' getting up and doing something to her?

With fibro (with me, anyway) there is the on and off fight with depression as well as the symptoms - because being in constant pain will do that. Even the most positive of us have our bad days. Maybe you need to work out what is fibro and what is depression? Or, maybe it's simply the case that your mum is happy to check out of life and into her chair? Let's face it, some people are.

So, maybe write her a letter (do we still do that?) and tell her how you feel?

I'm on fibro forums and groups as well, and as useful as they are for knowing that other people understand, they also tend to be full of people blaming absolutely everything on fibro..

I dropped a book on my toe and now it's purple, is this fibro?

I have a paper-cut - is this fibro?

The binmen didn't empty my bin this week, is this fibro?

You get me?

Maybe point your mum in the direction of the more positive groups? Those which advocate shifting one's arse. Anything with positivity in the title will usually be good. (steer clear of any which ban or block people who advocate exercise with fibro)

[pulisa]

The difference with you, Nora is that you are not a "victim" of fibro. You live with it as best you can. I also try to live with my chronic pain condition (not fibro) as best I can. I need to keep my brain sharp so gabapentin and the likes are not an option.Once you give in it's a slippery slope.

Besides which I have responsibilities as a carer and this is a hugely motivating factor in staying active.

[pulisa]

I think it's also important to see the right consultant who understands that chronic pain is not helped by opioids and how they cause long term problems in themselves.

[glassgirlw]

I didn’t mean to suggest the symptoms and pain are not real, Nora - I apologize it came off that way. I absolutely believe the pain is real and I know it’s horrible for her to be in pain for a good part of the day.

I just meant I hate seeing her give up. She was a single mom for 5 years, it was just her and I. She remarried and had two sons - one of whom is somewhat low functioning autistic and can’t be by himself at home. She’s a strong woman that has been through a lot in her life. I know she has it in her to fight back and not let this fibro beat her. But some days it feels like she gives up. She won’t drive herself anywhere anymore. She’s afraid to leave the house by herself. She won’t go twenty steps into her sewing room to enjoy something she used to love. It just is so hard to see her sit in the chair and give in. That’s all I meant.

No amount of encouraging seems to help, so now I just call daily and let her vent. Living with three guys, she doesn’t feel like they listen to her. So I do. And just hope that one day out of seven, she has a good day where our whole conversation doesn’t revolve around negativity.

[pulisa]

It sounds more like depression in my opinion. She's had a hard life and that can often manifest itself in a chronic pain condition in later life. Low mood and pain make withdrawal and apathy more acceptable to the sufferer but it's hard on you and you are bearing the brunt of her anger and distress.

[fishman65]

Nora and glassgirl, both your stories sound familiar to me. I don't doubt in any way Mrs F's conditions. As I mentioned, I was there when each was diagnosed. Fibromyalgia was the most recent diagnosis. Mrs F had undergone an MRI scan to detect inflammation and that showed her rheumatoid arthritis to be in remission. Yet Mrs F was still having pain, I 'think' that's why fibro was diagnosed, in the absence of any other explanation. Is chronic fatigue syndrome the same? Because Mrs F had that for a long time, I remember our GP saying it was like a big bucket where they throw everything that doctors can't explain.

One thing the rheumatology consultant did say though, more than once, was exercise. Mrs F has attempted none.

[pulisa]

She's made that lifestyle choice but it's only possible because you are there to tend to her every need. You can't force her to get out of bed though. It must be very frustrating when it's in her power to improve her physical-and her mental- health and it would benefit you so much too. Would it make any impact if you told her that being physically fitter would improve her ability to fight off covid?

[AntsyVee]

Part of the problem with an auto-immune disease is that the steroids taken for it, usually prednisone, when taken over a long time, cause a lot of anger and depression. Thus the expression "roid rage". And then depression, especially long-term, also causes a lot of pain. She's on an anti-depressant right? What's her dosage?

Well, one of the reasons I like therapy for codependency so much is that it trains you to separate yourself from what you can't control. You can't control Mrs. FM's diseases or conditions, but you can learn to control your reactions to them.