Originally Posted by
erincassells
I'm not sure where to turn anymore, and for those hanging on by a thread...I'd suggest to not read.
I wake up every day terrified, feeling hopeless and just ready to give up completely. I'm 43 years old and have no children, not married and feel that my life has very little meaning. Desperately depressed and unsatisfied personally and professionally to a degree I've never felt. In years past, I had a sliver of something I could hang on to. My future doesn't give me that now. Terrified every day I won't make it to retirement. Terribly lonely, but no close friends within a thousand miles.
My strange health symptoms have not abated and have continued or worsened despite a very clean diet and vigorous fitness.
I'm gaining weight, my hair is falling out, I'm having severe bowel and digestive issues that don't respond to any changes I make. I have insomnia, heart palpitations, nausea, vertigo, paresthesia, tingling, anemia, and this general overall feeling of doom...with varied other strange symptoms. I don't want to seek anymore blood tests, doc appts, scans. I can barely stomach the idea of my upcoming mammogram that will find something as it does every couple of years.
Several people in my circle of friends and associates have died of cancer over the past three years.
All I want to do is sleep, yet I can't. Lunesta does not, nor other sleep meds work for me and have health consequences on their own. If it wasn't for my mom I am not sure I'd be able to hang on.
CBT isn't working for me because I simply don't believe it. I intrinsically believe deep inside that I am not good, nor meant to live a fulfilling life.
I wake up sick and force myself to come to work and be as positive as I can (responsible for many people), but I'm running out of the ability to continue.
Just can't do this anymore. So incredibly sad, lonely, scared and hopeless feeling that I don't know what to do anymore. Barely hanging on...and what for?
I feel I'm a failure of a human being.