Continuing struggle with depression

[sal]

Hi Karen

Pleased you managed to get some sleep, some is better than nothing.

You are probably being over sensitive to something she has said, as i am the biggest offender of that. But ive learnt now that i have nothing to lose but ask outright if i have said or done the wrong thing.

You trust her so tell her how you feel.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Karen]

Hi Sal

I do realise it is probably me taking it the wrong way as usual but I can't stop the doubt, and even if I am reading it right I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it just makes me feel bad and like I have said the wrong thing.

Yes I do trust her and would ask, but she has banned me from asking her if I've done anything wrong.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[sal]

There you go then Karen she has banned you from asking if you have done anything wrong because she knows that everytime you worry that you havent and so therefore if you do something wrong she can open up and tell you.

She has judged how you worry and that is why she has said that, which shows you have done nothing wrong at all hun.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Karen]

I had to ask K about what she had said. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I need to know that everything is all right. I'm getting very anxious now hoping to hear from her.

Feeling very down this morning. I had just got off to sleep when someone started using a chainsaw outside and it woke me up again. So now I can't sleep and the noise is really getting to me. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

Finally did manage to get a couple of hours sleep but had some horrible dreams.

I'm feeling so down today and it I just don't see how things are ever going to get any better. My fault I know.

I have received an appointment to see the dietician for 2 June but now feel so scared I don't know if I can even go. It feels safer to stick to keep avoiding food.

It doesn't help to have Dad on the phone going on in great detail about food he is getting for a BBQ at the weekend and being told by him to "make myself available to go". He isn't even giving me a choice.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[sal]

Karen

Great news about the dietician and you go there and be honest, she will have heard and seen alsorts and is there to support you and not to judge you, so be honest with her, she will help you even if it takes time.

As for your dad, he will never stop dictating to you until you stand up to him and i know that isnt what you want to do. Go to the BBQ and join in and dont let him pressure you to eat, go half way with him, you turned up but he cant force you to eat.

He is worried about you Karen, so you either tell him the bottom line and what have you got to lose or you keep hiding it.

How he respects you now i would say you tell him how it is and if he isnt happy, what have you lost. He wont give you a hard time as he knows the crack and can no longer judge you. Sometimes honesty hurts others but helps ourselves and you need that at the moment.

You accept yourself so make others close to you accept who you are and the problems you have.

Hard i know but how you feel now face it head on, i honestly believe with regards to your dad you have nothing to lose.

Dont hide Karen, as those around her that dont know you might be able to support you more that you will ever know.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Karen]

Hi Sal

Dad already knows some of it. He knows I have an eating problem and that I'm getting help with it. I had a talk about this with my step mum a while ago. I didn't tell her everything but just enough so they would know not to pressure me to eat. She said she would keep dad off my back but he is still putting pressure on me.

I really don't feel able or really want to talk to him about any of this. Hopefully it will be the usual bad bank holiday weather and the BBQ will get cancelled anyway.

I am very scared about talking to the dietician, not so much because of what she can do, but she can pass information onto other health professionals, including the psychiatrists. I don't think I am going to be able to open up to her about what has been happening.

It is so much safer to deny there is a problem.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

I'm feeling really ill tonight with stomach pains again. It is so much better when I don't eat and right now I feel like I don't want to ever eat again.

My stomach is bloated and I haven't even managed to eat everything I am supposed to on my food plan. I just want to feel empty. Everything is so much better then.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[sal]

Karen

Feeling empty termporarily might give you relief hun but in the long run it will affect your health, and i know you do know that, it is getting your head round it.

Try and be open with her, she is there to help you and if you dont let he help you, you are denying yourself the right to get better and you really need that help.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Karen]

Hi Sal

Just feel really horrible at the moment. Have had an upset stomach again and feel really bloated. It just makes me feel even less like eating. I really just want to starve myself all day today to make up for the fact I feel I have been eating too much.

I can't see it will make any difference what a dietician says to me because it won't change the way I feel about food and eating.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.