Continuing struggle with depression

[Karen]

Thanks for your support Bluebottle. I suppose part of my problem is that I am a perfectionist and I believe that everything I do has to be perfect or else I have failed.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

Thanks Razocaine. It is hurtful to be told you are overweight all the time. I used to be a lot fatter than I am now and my Dad in particular always told me I was fat and should lose weight. Now I'm losing weight he is trying to sabotage me and get me to put it on again.

I think what you said is right about being comfortable with ourselves. The fact is I am not comfortable with myself and still believe I am overweight. Therefore I need to keep dieting. I have even failed at doing that though this week and feel terrible about myself.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Mell1988]

Hi Karen,

Sorry for not posting for a while. Part of the reason is because I've been a bit low myself this past few days but the other reason is that I am not sure really what to say to you for the best - other people on here seem to have much better advice than I could offer you!

One thing I can identify with you about is the self-loathing. I feel like that alot of the time too - mainly just that I'm a failure at everything.

It started years ago - I would blame myself if I did badly in an exam, I hated myself for failing my driving test (even though I passed second time!).

It's not just the usual thing where people feel down when they do badly, I used to torment myself and tell myself how pathetic i was if I couldn't even do xxxx right (substitute xxxx for anything that went badly in my life!).

When I got pregnant a few years ago I had a miscarriage and I blamed myself big time for that - told myself I couldn't even do that right. Then when I got pregnant again and had my son - I worried so much about his health and convinced myself he had a genetic illness and even got to the point of blaming myself for that as well - in that I gave him the illness so it was my fault. Also, I blamed myself for not being a better mother as I was so anxious all the time.

I have fought hard to get out of it and I am much better now and know that it's not possible to continually blame myself for anything that's bad - not only is it impractical it's also terribly exhausting and would leave me with little energy to do anything positive.

So now I try and focus on the positive things, no matter how small. ie. I managed to enjoy xxxxx without feeling bad, I managed to do this reasonably well, etc. etc.

Chin up - I wish I could help you more but you know we are all here for you.

Take Care

[razocaine_07]

I know what your saying karen, 'cos i used to be very fit, it hit me hard when i started to get out of shape and i wasnt used to being seen by people as fat. If you do want to lose weight, i always stick by the fact that gentle exercise along with a good diet, that isnt restricting is the best way. Walking 10-20 minutes a day is really good. Everyone thinks you have to slog your guts out, believe me you dont.

[FAN]

hi i couldnt read your other postings because my pc wouldnt open them but just thought i would say maybe trying to tackle too many issues at once ie; your father, your weight, feeling a failure etc is bound to make you feel this way but concentrate on the good things even if its only a little thing each day like not thinking bout your weight or ignoring the phone when your father calls and praise yourself for doing it and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel its just some find it takes longer to getr there than others

fan x

[Karen]

Thanks Fan. I do have a lot of issues to deal with and you are right that it gets overwhelming. The trouble with praising myself is that I never believe I have done anything worthy of praise.

Razocaine: I don't get much exercise at the moment, mainly because I'm feeling so depressed and don't feel like getting out of bed half the time. I'm not able to eat a normal diet anymore. The mere thought of eating more than I am currently panics me in case I gain weight. I try to avoid going to my Dad's as much as possible because it is the one day every week where I am forced to eat more and I find it difficult to do without getting very distressed. Thanks for your suggestions.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[razocaine_07]

Yeah i know how the food thing can spiral into what it is for you now. I used to resort to forcing down fruit cocktail outta tins, just to keep my sugar levels ok. I suffer from ME and i know what its like where you spend the whole day in bed or just the thought of it takes all the energy you have, mentally and physically

[Karen]

Hi Mell

Sorry to hear you've been feeling low. Don't worry about posting to me, you need to look after yourself when you are feeling this way. Your posts are helpful. I worry in the same way when I post to people too because I don't think I've got anything helpful to say.

I can certainly relate to feeling like a failure from an early age. My parents were never happy with the grades I got at school and said I should do better. Eventually I started to believe I was a failure if I didn't get top marks in everything, expecting myself to be able to be perfect at every subject, which of course I couldn't be. I passed all my exams at school but thought my grades were not good enough, and the same happened at college.

I still feel scared of taking on new courses in case I can't do them well enough. I've just decided to drop two courses I had enrolled to do with the Open University because I don't think I can handle the work, particularly not with the way I am feeling at present. I hadn't even started them but now feel like a failure for quitting.

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. There is no way you were to blame. It must have been such a difficult time for you. I think it is understandable that you worried about your son's health when he was born. I know you are working hard on this though and are doing well.

I appreciate your support.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Mell1988]

Hi Karen,

Good to hear from you. It sounds like you've had a rough time - it would be great if the fact that you have had a hard time in the past was one of the reasons to make sure the future isn't like that as well - but I know that's easier said than done.

I am just starting an OU course as well - I did a couple about 3 years ago and had a break when I had my son. It was tough but I am really pleased I did them and have decided to continue now because although I worry like you that I can't keep up, I know it has to be worth a shot.

I would love to say to you that we should do a deal - you decide not to drop your courses and we'll keep in touch throughout them to give each other some moral support but I don't know if you'd be interested ?

The last thing I want to do is give you more pressure, but I just know if you could give it a shot and start your courses that it may turn out to be just the distraction you need. Or maybe even just do one course this year and see how you go ?

What do you think ?? Give it some thought and let me know, it would be fantastic if you could do that - definitely a positive step.

Take Care

[Karen]

Hi Mell

It is great that you are taking a new course this year. What OU course are you doing?

The problem for me is that I enrolled for two OU courses, plus a distance learning counselling course. At the time I was feeling a lot better than I am now and thought I needed the distraction, something to keep me occupied.

Now, however, I am struggling just getting through the day without the added pressure of studying and the thought that I will fail anyway.

I have decided to drop out of the OU courses. I feel completely mentally exhausted with everything that is going on with me at present. I know that if I try to keep up with the work and do badly I will just make myself feel so much worse. I have a problem with never thinking anything I do is good enough and having to keep re-doing it until I think I can't improve it anymore. I just don't have the energy or inclination to do that at the moment.

I am going to try to perservere with the counselling course, although I haven't even managed to do the first assignment yet. At least this course doesn't have any deadlines and therefore I am not under the same pressure to get the work done. We can still give each other moral support if you like.

I haven't been this bad with depression for a long time and right now am unable to see a way out of it. I feel like everything is piling up on top of me and I'm being pushed further under. There are too many issues to deal with here and it has all got too much.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.