Continuing struggle with depression

[seh1980]

hi Karen,

You have felt this low before and you have come through it so there is no reason that you can't do it this time.

I think you are doing the right thing by only taking the one course at the moment. You don't want to push yourself too hard when you aren't feeling too well. I'm sure that you will do well on this course and then you will have the courage to continue with other ones.

Chin up!!

Sarah

[Karen]

Thanks for your support Sarah.

I haven't been this low for a long time and I am finding it so difficult to get through the day. I know I cause myself a lot of this distress but everything is piling up on top of me and I don't know how to get out from under it. I feel like I am being pushed further down every day.

I just know that today is going to be a bad day. I hope I can get a few hours sleep this morning. I rarely hear from K on a Saturday which just makes everything so much more difficult to cope with.

I wish I had some hope that things will improve but I can't see it happening.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[bluebottle]

Hi Karen,

Can I recommend a book? I think it may help you.

"Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison"
Dorothy Rowe; Paperback; £9.99 (Amazon UK)

I got it yesterday and have already read 108+ pages.

You will get better, and it will be OK.

[Karen]

Hi Bluebottle

Thanks for the book recommendation. This was also recommended to me be someone else and I have already read it. I agree that it is a good book.

I hope you find it helpful.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

I am feeling very low again today. I just wish all of this would stop. My head feels like it is about to explode with all the thoughts that keep going round and round. I just can't switch off.

I had to weigh myself again this morning and still haven't lost any weight so I have to be strong and not eat anything today. I need to get this moving again. This was the only thing I was succeeding at but now I feel like a complete failure. I hate myself for being so fat and so greedy for eating too much. I can't stand being like this.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[mico]

Hi Karen

It seems you've been getting more concerned about your weight recently. I'm not going to go on about how it shouldn't be an issue, because I know that that isn't what you want to hear and that you're still going to think about it regardless. But I'm sure that you understand that a poor diet isn't an answer to it. Even though it shouldn't be an issue (sorry, I had to fit it in somewhere [B)]), maybe you are concerned about your weight, and maybe it would make you feel better if you did keep on losing weight. In which case, maybe you should take a more tacful approach to it. It's great that you thought you were having some success with this, but you're not a failure just because you've hit a bit of a bad patch, you can still pick up on your progress in the future.

One of the best, healthiest and most efficient ways to lose weight, is to get plenty of exercise. And judging from your recent posts, you've been getting very little of this lately. Which is probably the single reason why you've stopped losing weight. Not eating won't make you anything but ill.

This is just a suggestion, but it appears that losing weight is something you'd really like to do. Maybe, you could make it something of a hobby, something to look forward to, and more importantly, something to get out of bed for. I know you're struggling with a lot of motivational issues at the moment, but I just thought that you could maybe try channelling some of this negative energy into positive energy (I don't know if you think that is possible, but worth thinking about). Instead of dreading every meal or avoiding meals, you can take satisfaction in healthy eating. You could start off with some light exercise (maybe just a walk round the block), and try building it up a little every day (you might be running round town in the end!).

I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I can't. All I'm trying to say, is that losing weight (the actual process of doing so) has the potential to be something really positive rather than negative. Something that could even help lift your depression, something that can give you more confidence, something that can get you outside more often and outside your comfort zone, something that can make you feel better on a daily basis, etc, etc, etc. You see what I'm trying to say. I know you probably don't feel up to it, but do have a think about it.

Take care

mico

[bluebottle]

Karen,

I can give you some good advice about losing weight, but before I do I want to be sure that your weight is the issue, or if your weight is fine and you want to lose weight for reasons other than health etc...

Is the weight thing about you having some form of control, or not? I apologise for the probing questions.

[Karen]

Hi Mico and Bluebottle

Thanks for your suggestions. I am not getting any exercise at the moment even though I know the connection between the way exercise can help with depression. It is a motivational issue for me at present, although I have never really been into formal exercise. I used to enjoy doing an aqua-aerobic class with Jac but she had to give it up through lack of time and I don't feel able to go on my own. I think swimming could be good but again I wouldn't go alone and I can't actually swim.

The problem I have at present is that I don't actually want to go out. All I feel like doing to lazing around in bed or sitting at the computer so I can watch for K. Anything that tears me away from the computer increases my anxiety because of my need to check on K.

I have been thinking that I should do some exercise to speed up my weight loss, but would rather find something I can do at home.

The main problem here though is that other people are telling me that I am too thin already and need to gain weight, whereas I still feel fat and want to keep losing it.

I have heard the suggestion before about concentrating on eating healthily rather than dieting but although part of me sees the sense in this and wants to do it, a much bigger part of me needs to continue restricting food. I feel very guilty and ashamed of myself when I eat too much. It is like I see food as the enemy now, to be be avoided at all costs. I become very distressed at the thought of having to eat a normal meal and hate myself afterwards for having put all this bad stuff into my system.

I have been finding it difficult to admit what I have been doing and a lot of the time I think I am still in denial. I don't completely understand why I am doing this. I think there are several complex reasons, needing to feel in control of something being one of them. Another one is the belief that I will be happier, more lovable and a better person if I get thinner. A couple of people have asked me where I will stop and what weight I want to get to to achieve this. The answer is that I don't know. I just know that I am still too fat and weigh too much now and feel the need to keep going.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[bluebottle]

Karen, this link http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/page.cfm?pagecode=PBBFAN may shed some light on how your feeling. It may not. I hope it helps anyway.

Regards,

Blue

[Karen]

Hi Blue

Thanks for the link. I can identify with some of the reasons mentioned for restricting food and wanting to lose weight.

However, I still don't think I am underweight, and I have a long way to go before being considered anorexic. I do admit to having a bit of a problem with food and eating.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.