Continuing struggle with depression

[sal]

Hi Karen

I can see you have made a few posts on the humour, so know you got home and through it, but assume you arent ready to talk about what happened or how the day went.

When you are we all here to support you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[sal]

Was great to see you and Millie talking tonight.

Well done you after a hard day


Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Karen]

Thanks for the messages and support.

It has been a really difficult day and hard to think about without getting upset. As I expected dad used the car journey to have another go about eating and my weight and even when I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore he still would not stop. He also wanted to know what I had been up to and who I see.

I told him he doesn't need to worry and that I'm getting help. He seemed more concerned about who is giving me help and what I am saying than if it is helping. I tried to ignore further questions after that but it was difficult and he just got cross with me again.

Then there were more food issues when we arrived. Dad decided that we would get fish and chips for dinner. I could not physically manage to eat this even if I wanted to. After a while my brother said they had already prepared salad and french bread rolls. The fish and chips suggestion had apparently been a 'joke'. I don't see how upsetting me like that is funny.

I didn't want to even eat the rolls but had to force myself. I panicked over there being butter in them which I don't eat and the filling was cheese which I also don't eat. Everyone was watching me too and I felt very uncomfortable. Then my brother brought chocolate cake and hot cross buns out. I declined having any but they all kept on at me and said I had to have something. So I felt forced to have a hot cross bun (which again had butter on it).

I feel disgusted with myself and fat. I don't want to eat at all now to try to compensate. I am petrified I will gain weight this week and I can't handle it.

Have also been upset because I didn't hear from K. If I don't hear from her today I don't know how I am going to cope.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[seh1980]

hello Karen,

Sorry to hear that your day out went as badly as you thought it would. Hopefully now that your dad has had his say about the matter, he will just leave you to it from now on. I don't wish to pry into your private life but you said that he seemed very concerned about what you could be telling the people that are trying to help you. Could it be that he is worried that a specific something will get out and that is why he always insists on knowing what you get up to and who you see? Don't mean for you to answer this but just to think about it..

Sarah

[seh1980]

hi Karen,

How are you doing hun? I hope you're feeling a little better today.

Sarah

[bubbles]

Karen,

Sorry that yesterday was pretty awful for you.
I think Sarah is right about why he is so concerned & nosy about who is supporting you (as you said he seems more concerned about that then about your actual condition)---he's worried that something may 'get out' about him. Would explain his paranoia & thus continuing control needs. He's frightened of "the 2 ends meeting up" as my mum used to say!

I hope that today has been a bit easier for you & you have been able to calm your mind a little after yesterday.

Linda. x

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

[Karen]

Hi Sarah & Linda

Thanks for your message. I am feeling a little better today, although I have struggled to eat after feeling forced to eat "bad" foods yesterday. I have managed to eat most of what is on my food plan which I suppose is a bit a progress. A few weeks ago I would have starved myself for a couple of days afterwards. I am still panicking about gaining weight though.

Sarah - I don't think there is anything specific he is worried I will talk about. I think it is more that he doesn't like the fact that I might talk about him or "family business" and that I will show him up. He always used to tell me that I made him look bad and brought shame on the family because of my emotional problems.

The saga continued today. I thought I might get some peace from him after yesterday, but he was on the phone again. I turned the ringer off on the phone when I finally went to bed this morning and switched my mobile off. When he finally got hold of me this afternoon he wanted to know where I had been. I told him I had been out because it is easier to tell him that. He then made comments about my mobile being switched off and asked what I was up to.

I do think I need some space from him and maybe the first step is to try to get out of having to go round there every week. I worry about it for days beforehand and then feel bad after seeing him. I don't know how I can do this yet but I am going to ask K for her advice when I write to her tonight.

Thanks again for both of your support.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[seh1980]

hi Karen,

It sounds like you are really making progress with the food issue so well done!! You have improved and that is what matters.

Sorry to hear that your dad has been pestering you again today. The guess the idea of him leaving you alone is too good to be true, huh? I think that you are right when you say that it would do you some good to get away from him for a while though I know that would be difficult as he lives so near you..

Sarah

[sal]

Hi Karen

You did really well and you know that your dad is going to pressurise you all the way, but you need to remember that and we need to think how we can handle that at a later day.
You are trying to eat and that is what counts as you are helping yourself to move to the next step, that in itself is a well done to you.

Just keep trying and if you need support you know we are all here for you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[bubbles]

Karen,

It's good to hear that you've had a better day. You have managed to bounce back inspite of yesterday. And, well done, that you've kept to your food plan.

What a nuisance for you that he's been bothering you again today, so soon after yesterday....but you've still had a better day even with the harrassment. That's great!

I was pleased to read that you increasingly feel the need for some established space from him. It only causes you extra worry & guilt when you have to keep making excuses to him.
Better to find a way to make it clear where his boundaries end & yours begin.

You'll work out how to get that space when you are ready---the main thing is that you've accepted that it's needed & it's becoming clearer how he does drag you back, if you let him.

Thinking of you, & hope you manage to get some rest tonight.

Linda. x




Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.