Afraid of losing my dog

[Carnation]

Poppy, live in the now with Chisum.
You can't make assumptions about years of life for an animal or human. That's why you need to live in the now. x

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Darksky. I’ll give him plenty of hugs. You’re right Carnation, I keep telling myself that I only want to lose him once, and all of this fretting means I have to go through it daily up until it actually happens. I have to be more stubborn than the anxiety. I am still waking up in a panic and getting teary at times but am trying to ride the wave.

He has to get his staples out sometime next week - I think I’m going to see about having an in person vet appointment at that time and asking a couple of questions and clarifying what I need to be looking for, since he does have some lumps and bumps as a result of age. Then taking that on as a game plan moving forward. A bit of logic helps some, I just have to kick out the feelings of dread and anxiety in favor of the logic.

[.Poppy.]

I wanted to post here as I didn't want to derail Carnation's other thread with my doom and gloom. Trigger warning, I do discuss cancer.




Chisum had his anal gland removed last week, as there was a lump there that they suspected was adenocarcinoma. Recovery was pretty rough, probably the roughest of any of the surgeries he's had. But he seems to be doing better now.

The vet school called me back yesterday and confirmed it was adenocarcinoma. It was best case scenario she said - it was still small and they obviously got all of it when they removed his gland. He had another "mass" they removed, but she said it wasn't a mass at all, his gland just was oddly shaped (leave it to Chisum to be weird). He also had raised lymph nodes they sampled in case it had spread, but it hadn't - they're just reactive. I'm not surprised, he's had raised lymph nodes in various places for years; he's a bit of an odd duck.

Anyway, she gave me some suggestions: I could follow up with oncology (I know sometimes they do precautionary chemo for these types of tumors), she recommended rectal exams every 3-4 months, and if I could swing it, ultrasounds every 6 months as the reality is it will appear again sometime.

I plan to talk to my regular vet about it, and what she suggests. The thing is, with his health, my two main qualifiers of if I would intervene were: 1. can I afford it and 2. what is the prognosis/is this a one-and-done type of procedure. So, for his knee surgery it was easy - one surgery and he could walk again. A singular surgery to remove a mass would be the same. But I always said I wouldn't make him go through radiation or chemo, as it would require multiple vet visits and he is so anxious at the vet anyway. I don't think it would be kind and I don't think it would be something he'd choose if he could speak.

So, that rules out following up with oncology. It also likely means we won't do ultrasounds, as that may show if it spreads or pops up somewhere else, but ultimately if it does end up in his abdomen there wouldn't be feasible options to pursue anyway. I may or may not do the exams every 3-4 months; even if it appeared in his other anal gland I'm not sure if he'd want to go through that surgery again. But I'll think on that one.

So again, we are just forced to live in the now. I guess that's the way it goes. Right now, he is okay and I am very lucky for that. It could be months, it could be years before it comes to a head, but that's okay. I heard a saying that dogs don't know how much time they are "supposed" to have on this earth, so he certainly doesn't know anything may be wrong. He'll just know that he's having a lovely time while he's here.

Anyhow, I just needed to rant and type all of that out. I'll count my blessings and run off and give him a kiss.

[.Poppy.]

A little over six years since I started this thread, I suppose I'm lucky to still have my Chisum with me.

I didn't want to post on another thread and bring anyone else down, but just wanted to vent, I guess. I brought Chisum to the vet on Tuesday as he was excessively licking his foot and when I looked at his paw, the area in between the pads was bright red and inflamed.

I had to do a drop off appointment and there was a bit of miscommunication on which foot it was, so the vet (not his usual vet) looked at the wrong paw. But good thing, I guess, as she found another red inflamed mass there. She didn't poke it or anything, just prescribed antibiotics and allergy meds. He has a recheck in a little over a week, hopefully with his regular vet. I had also asked them to measure another growth to see if it had grown, and feel the mass in his back end to see if it had grown, but unfortunately she didn't do either. I'll just ask them to do it next time, I guess.

They are still waiting to hear back from the vet school regarding the mass regrowth. I am simultaneously frustrated by the lack of some action and accepting that it might not matter, as solutions are limited anyway. I am just so worried that I'll do the wrong thing, or that I won't advocate for him well enough. I am also constantly afraid of what the end will look like, and of life on the other side of him. I know he's "just a dog" but I do love him so much and he's been such a big part of my life for over a decade. And with as high maintenance as he is, he very much has taken up a lot of my focus. Imagining a world without him feels almost impossible.

I know it's all about one day at a time, do the best we can do, etc. My therapist told me that he was lucky to have me and that I was being hard on myself, and I know I am, but I also feel like I need to be a little hard on myself since this is important.

[.Poppy.]

Chisum has his checkup again on the 26th, and even though his regular vet is there that day it will be with the vet that saw him this last time. I emailed the practice and asked if I could also have his regular vet take a look, including at the lumps we've been monitoring. Maybe it doesn't matter but my gut is telling me I want to know.

I hope I didn't come across as "difficult" by the request because that's never my intention but I also just really want to make sure I'm advocating for him in the best way that I can. I think that's a tricky line to walk.

[.Poppy.]

Chisum went to the vet school today to get some masses checked out. They only checked one, thought they should do some imaging with it, and then found some more concerning items. He goes in for surgery tomorrow and then we will know more of what we are dealing with.

Very thankful for the vets there. The student we were working with was awesome. It’s just a hard place to be.

[Scissel]

Wishing you well, Poppy.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Scissel. Hoping for good news tomorrow, but we will see. Giving him lots of kisses tonight.

[.Poppy.]

Chisum came through surgery okay. They removed what they needed to, turns out one of the items was just in the nick of time. They'll send out for testing now and we will just have to wait for the results.

Some good news, they aspirated two of his lumps and both came back benign. That's something at least. He was due for a win.

He's staying overnight, they have to monitor his heart as apparently the surgery they did may trigger a heart arrhythmia (which is apparently easily treated with meds and honestly the least of his problems). It's good for him to be there, coming off of anesthesia is hard for him and the first night is usually really difficult where I get no sleep. So hopefully he's a bit more settled when I bring him home tomorrow. On the other hand, I get really nervous when he's away from me, so it's a difficult night. Did some cleaning though, a lot of vacuuming as he doesn't like the vacuum so I thought I'd do it when he was out of the house.