Hi everyone. I am in such a bad place and am desperate for help. This is long, I apologize for that, but I need to get this out so I beg you, please read this, I am in dire need of help. Please someone, or as many people as possible, help me. I lurk this site frequently to help quell my health anxiety, and it has helped me a lot. But now I am really desperate and feeling so unwell and out of control, I need help. I’m so scared. A bit of background: Cancer has been my most dreaded fear and obsession since I was 10. I have OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, severe PTSD, and depression. I have struggled with mental illness since I was 10. I’m now 40, female.Two and a half years ago I had the worst bout of health anxiety I had ever had, convinced I had oral cancer no matter how many doctors and dentists tested and looked at me and said all was fine. Then it was lymphoma or throat cancer (I had some nodes in my neck, the doctor was concerned but I asked for an ultrasound, had it, and it discovered tiny nodules on my thyroid. I then paid $700 for a CT scan because I was terrified of thyroid cancer. A CT was recommended but on an appointment basis. There was no way I could wait three weeks.
Went and had CT, all was fine. Nothing concerning at all. They told me to have another ultrasound done in a year, but I didn’t, because after hospital bouncing, x-rays, CT, ultrasound, visits to an ENT and countless GP;s, I was just so exhausted and swore I’d never do this or feel like this again. It was rock bottom. A new low. I began to go the opposite way with my health anxiety, avoiding doctors except for my naturopath. Now, flash forward to 2020. A lot has happened this year for everyone, and the pandemic catapulted me into a totally new health anxiety. My husband and I separated, my OCD has has been out of control, I hole up in my apartment and don’t see anyone. Even checking my mail is a huge feat for me. I’m depressed and anxious, I sleep a LOT and find I always feel tired, though fatigue has frankly always been a thing for me. I’ve lost about 50 pounds since Summer 2019 (intentionally, down from 180 pounds), and have been exercising indoors a bit but spending way too much time in bed because I can’t face the day. My sleep is also really messed up, I sleep during the day and am up all night.
Anyway, I was reading something about lymphoma and swollen nodes in the groin (I have been obsessed with lymphoma due to my dad being diagnosed this spring, He has a type that isn’t genetic. But I’ve been obsessed nonetheless. About a month and a half or two months ago, I felt my groin and felt two small lumps there. I don't know how long they've been there. I didn't regularly examine that area until recently. They have not changed, at least I don't think they have. One is hard, in my estimation about 2 cm, but again, I now I can’t really measure them. This has made me absolutely sick with worry, enough that my fear of cancer overshadowed my fear of covid (which is an EXTREME fear and has navigated my life since March), and booked in with my doctor. I was praying that she wouldn’t be concerned, I envisioned over and over again her saying "Oh that? That's nothing, go home", and at first she wasn’t concerned, but it’s because she didn’t feel the lump I was talking about at first, only the smaller one. She said “oh that’s nothing, you don’t need an ultrasound for this, it’s just a little lymph node, totally normal” . Relief washed over me but something inside me told me to ask her to examine again. She’s not the most thorough doctor and she honestly didn’t really examine me very well in my opinion. She did feel the second one this time and said “Oh, there is another one. It’s bigger. Yes, I think you need an ultrasound” This was today, and I am beside myself. I burst into tears and hyperventilated. I must have looked ridiculous crying, wearing several masks and a face shield, and being terrified to touch anything. She also did a vaginal swab (normal paps my whole life, not due for my next one until June), but my period this month was two weeks late, and that happened once in the summer too. When it came it was normal, though this one was 7 days long, which is a bit long for me.
She then asked if she could listen to my chest, she said it sounded clear. Then she checked my armpits and stomach and said all clear there too. But THEN she said she wanted me to have a chest X-ray! I asked her if she suspects lymphoma and she said “there’s a small chance, I can’t diagnose lumps because I’m not a professional at that, I just want to check and rule it out.” I’ve also been having a weird, rumbling/vibrating type of feeling in my right chest (I think lung) at the bottom for several months off and on. And about a month ago, I felt searing pain in the right rib cage at the bottom, it only lasted one day, for a couple minutes at a time, twice. It hasn’t returned except once a few weeks ago but it wasn’t nearly as bad, and it hasn’t returned since.
I am a pot smoker, and my smoking has become heavier since the pandemic. I would say I smoke about 3 joints a day. However, I haven’t had any in about a week because I ran out, and I won’t be getting more, for sure. Too scared now. I’m beyond terrified that it’s either thyroid cancer because I left it too long and it has spread, lung cancer, some kind of pelvic cancer that may have spread to my lung (the lung rumble is on the same side), or lymphoma. I am in such a bad state and I know i”m not supposed to ask for reassurance but I don’t know what else to do. I'm falling apart, I have a nine year old daughter who needs me and adores me and is very emotional. I can’t leave her. I’m so scared. I have the worst nausea, knots in my stomach, horrible butterflies that won’t go away, I can’t eat and can’t focus. I booked a private ultrasound for tomorrow morning and am absolutely terrified. I paid extra to get same day results, but just realized that they probably won’t send them to me? Or will they since I paid? The main concerning lump for me feels hard, round, smooth, and fixed, though the skin above it can SORT OF move it around, but when I dig deep it feels attached, and deep. I have a harder time finding it when laying down, but when standing up it's very easy to feel. It is not visible, and is on my right side right where my hip meets the top of my pubic area. I haven not been sick or had infections or anything.
I keep falling asleep and waking up with these awful butterflies and panic. I can’t think of anything else and can’t enjoy anything. I’m a wreck. The requisition says my lumps are 1 mm and 1.4 cm, one soft, one harder. The doctor said they are not fixed, but I think the bigger one is. I think she either doesn’t want to freak me out more or didn’t feel it properly. How can you even feel a 1 mm node? That’s the size of a pencil tip and the smaller lump is definitely bigger than that. The bigger one is about 2 cm in my mind. The thing is, if these are within normal size, why the ultrasound and why the x-ray?? She suspects something, and I am beside myself. I know you guys can’t diagnose me but please, someone, anyone, help me somehow. I’ve never been so scared and panicked. I pray to god they say I don’t need another CT because I can’t wait for one and don’t have the money to pay for one. Also, during covid we are not supposed to have these procedures unless they are urgent, so if she’s going to the trouble to get me into an ultrasound and a chest x-ray, it seems VERY grim to me. This weird rumble/buzzing sensation that comes and goes (it's not audible, just a feeling) in my chest makes me so scared too because she wants the chest X-ray and it's all on the same side. Nothing on the left side. No swollen nodes or anything. Previous to this year, when I wasn't so isolated, I had bronchitis a few times, strep often, and have mild asthma. I also had pneumonia as a child. What else could this be if not cancer or an infection? I'm pretty sure it's not an infection. I asked the doctor was type of cancer this could be indicative of and she said "well, any type of pelvic really" and then when I called her later to ask about whether she suspected lymphoma (after googling groin lump and chest xray to try to find the reason), and that's when she said that she wants to rule it out. Oh my god. I am absolutely freaking out.
I’m so sorry for this extremely long post - please please help me if you can. I keep dry heaving and can barely keep water down. My appetite is totally gone since the appointment. And to top it all off, I've now been in a doctor's office in a small room and have been around the staff and the doctor - something that absolutely terrifies me. And now I have to be around an ultrasound technician for like half an hour without distancing. So I get to be terrified of cancer AND cover. I can't cope. And if I have to get further testing I don't know what I'll do. I'm unravelling. I can't handle this. I can’t parent right now, so my child is with her dad. I am so scared and feel desperate, alone, and hopeless. Again, I now you can't diagnose me and that my ultrasound is tomorrow anyway, but please, if someone can help give me some peace of mind tonight I would be so grateful.
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