Last year was an awful year for most of us. I lost my stepdad suddenly and then a month later I like everyone else was thrown into the first lockdown and then my dad started showing signs of dementia (currently getting all kinds of tests done atm). Some days and months were easier than others for me but it all came to a head in August when I had a breakdown, meltdown, whatever you want to call it. I was having constant panic attacks, not sleeping for days on end, lost almost a stone in weight from not eating, felt so hopeless, could barely remember anything etc. It was the worst I've ever felt and I don't know how I got through it.
Months on, I am a lot better in a lot of ways. I've gained all the weight back that I've lost and then some, my interests are back, when I get a panic attack now I can just sit until it passes and go back to what I was doing within an hour instead of letting it take over the full day, memory is a little better, I am sleeping a bit better - not great but better than August/September time(always been a bad sleeper) and before this latest lockdown, I was even staying over at my mum's which was something I had thought I'd never be able to do when I was at my worst.
I'm so much better on paper. I can function more now but I don't feel much better. I'm still filled with the almost constant feeling of dread, anxiety and DP/DR. I dread going to bed at night in case I die or in case I wake up feeling awful the next day. My first thought when I get up is "how the hell am I going to get through this day?!" And the last thing is at night even if I've had a good or neutral day is "how am I going to get through tomorrow?!". My DP/DR can be quite bad at times. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own home but I've came on a lot with dealing with that. It's the overall lingering anxiety I need help with. It's so mundane the things that make me worry. I dread going to the toilet because I've had so many bad panics/DP moments there, I get silly thoughts like I am going mad, I am going to die, I'm going to lose my memory completely since I don't feel like my memory has fully bounced back yet. No amount of exposure has helped much. Usually by now if I had done something so many times, I'd have lost my fear of it such as going into shops. I'm not scared of shops any more (other than infection risk) but I can't shake off the fears I have about being at home even though I spend every day here and I love my home and feel safe here.
Has anyone else went through this after a bad phrase? My family have been as supportive as they can be but because I seem to be functioning normally now, they think I am fully ok now. I've been to my GP and was offered meds but decided to do some online CBT and over the phone help with CPN which has helped but I suppose all that's needed is more time and more exposure? In the past when I was struggling, I'd go out for a day out, visit family etc but I can't do any of that these days. I put off writing this for so long as I know it would be seeking reassurance and I shouldn't be looking for that but at that same time, maybe you guys are in the same boat?
Hope everyone is keeping ok
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