although i have been posting on here i havent posted about myself in a while as i found i was posting about a good day then having 2 bad ones i felt i was failing myself. but now im gonna turn my life around
when i first got ill 4 years ago it was severe and i was hospitalised i lost every thing my partner my kids my home, i got myself togerther and tolerated life but when the depression came back 2 years ago i recognised the symptoms and got help i was not gonna hit the bottom again.the panic was bad and i had days when i couldnt get out of bed i went on medication which makes my life copable but when i joined the site i was very unstable up one min down the next now i have decided i dont want this life im going to change it.
in the last month i have been out every day, despite the panic somedays i only got to the end of my street but i was out, i have spoken to my sons about the way they feel about being passed around relatives and have found they both feel they had a better life this way. that was a huge relief as i did think they hated me for the way i am. they said they think of my attacks as quirks and eccentricities.
i now see them every day after school and although i walk down the hill i get a taxi back as getting out of breath starts my panics (avoidance yes but im working on that) i now go every week with them both to asda even though it means i spend hours before hand squirting rescue remedy like a mad woman , i refuse to have a panic in front of my kids
im going to accept that if this is as good as it gets then i can live with it, i will stay on my medication and hopefully work towards coming off it, but for now i need to accept myself for what i am before i can expect any one else to. i shall keep you posted as to how im going but hopefully this will be all good. this is the first day of the rest of my life and im gonna live it........
fan x
Reply With Quote
