When does it get easier?

[Munchlet]

So as some of you are aware I've been trying really hard to battle my Health Anxiety but I don't think I'm getting better.

I'm still going for hypnotherapy-hypno- analysis but to be honest the jury is out on that one at the moment because my therapist seems to spend a lot of time telling me about her life and how amazing she is but I can't say that I'm agreeing with her at the moment. I'm feeling when I see her and she's doing the hypno-analysis on me I'm struggling to come up with things. I know it's about rooting out past problems and issues which may be causing me to have health anxiety but on the whole I had a good childhood and upbringing so I'm not harbouring things from my youth. The only thing that I believe has significantly contributed to my HA is my Mum. I guess the therapy has helped me realise that because I now realise my mum cannot have a conversation without talking about health, someone dying or someone who is really ill. As part of my therapy I've started changing the topic but she always reverts it back, so I think that is a big part of why I have turned out the way I have but apart from that I'm not sure what the hypno-analysis is looking for? If anyone has any experience of this I'd be really interested to hear how they found it.

CBT, I start a new course on Monday and this is going to be part CBT but also acceptance and commitment therapy so I'm quite excited about this.

However, as much as I am adopting these new practices into my life I don't feel things are easier. I still worry excessively, wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach which takes most of the morning to go. By Mid-afternoon/evening I'd say I'm fairly normal (as normal as I can be!) and then I go to bed and wake up the next morning the same.

I also still find I'm checking obsessively. Sorry for the TMI post but yesterday I convinced myself my urine had a slight pink tinge to it. This has been something that I've worried about on and off for years! I've just had normal kidney function tests but for a moment I got myself into such a frenzy I was about to ring the Dr and rush up there. After sitting down and taking a few deep breaths I realised the sun was shining through the window in the toilet and even the plain water in he bowl looked slightly pink. I went upstairs and peed and it looked fine so I managed to sort myself out but I was cross that I'm still doing this sort of thing and constantly worried.

I also reminded myself that a few weeks ago I thought I had jaundice but after having normal liver tests that ruled that out so I am starting to realise that I probably convince myself of these colour variations and if possible see things that aren't there.

Anyway, I just don't know what else to do. I'm reading Eckhard Tolle's the power of now and also the Chimp Paradox which I can totally relate to and they make perfect sense but it's just this awful underlying feeling that I constantly have. Does it ever go?

The other thing I wanted to ask is if anyone has tried Cannabis oil for the anxiety? I know it's really popular for a host of things and I've been reading that it can help with anxiety. I'm not taking any medication for my HA so was thinking about giving it a go but to be honest not sure where to start as there seems to be hundreds of different ones out there!

Thanks for reading. I'm trying to work out how to put my posts together as I think it would be useful for me to have things in one place but I'm not sure how?

[ankietyjoe]

Couple of things I'd consider -

1) If you think your therapist is a waste of time, you're probably right. In this case where she appears to be bringing her ego to the table, I suspect you need to find an alternative. However, the insight into the cause of your HA being your Mother may have some merit. Analysis is rarely a good tool for dealing with anxiety though, as it just continually relives past experiences. The mental health profession is moving away from analysis with the exception of a few specific cases.

2) External aids (cannabis oil, complimentary therapies etc) will rarely, if ever make a considerable difference. Even if you find it works as a placebo, that's fine though. Try it, only you will know if it works for you. Worst case scenario is that it might take some 'edge' off.

3) Something to understand right now, today. If you keep checking, you will never recover. HA is by far the most habitual of all forms of anxiety. HA is a self destructive and obsessive behaviour, and that's pretty much it. You check for a problem, then you scour the internet for a solution to that problem that most likely doesn't even exist. You are in effect, creating a problem in your mind that doesn't exist, and that in turn triggers the fight or flight response, which in turn creates an atmosphere or irrationality which takes you back to self checking. This is the cycle you need to break. There's no 'yeah but' here. You just have to stop checking and stop googling, period. If you don't, you will never recover, it's not possible.

The problem with 3) is that you will have developed the traits of HA over many years and it has become habitual, it has become the norm to you. No matter what course of therapy and assistance you take, it's up to YOU to break that cycle, and this can take a long time. Habits are quite hard to break, but that doesn't mean they can't be broken. The reason I'm even mentioning this is because you HAVE to keep this in mind during your recovery. There is an expectation with a lot of people that a few CBT sessions will cure them and it never will. CBT is about learning new tools that YOU then take away and use over the course of the next several months, does that make sense? This is directly answering the title of your topic, as it gets easier when you choose to stop creating the imaginary problems in your mind by not reacting to every desire to create them in the first place.

[Munchlet]

Thanks for the reply AnkietyJoe,

I 100% agree with everything you are saying.

I am going to finish my block of sessions with my hypnotherapist and then not bother with anymore. Whilst it has been useful to discover where my HA possibly stemmed from I think I was kind of getting to that realisation anyway with the CBT I'd done so I certainly don't feel I've gained anything from the hypnotherapy. I think I was hoping it would be more of the suggestion therapy and possibly just some steps to help me look at things differently, rather than the negative/catasrophizing that I always do.

What I have to stop is as you say; the not checking and giving into searching for things. I certainly feel better when I don't google things or read various forums/articles. The biggest battle I feel I have to overcome is the urge to check everything because I know this feeds the anxiety but also the other issue is the "what if I don't check constantly and I miss something".

This is where I feel the acceptance therapy might come into play because I know that no-one can ever be 100% certain that they don't have a particular illness, because even with the most thorough testing, situations change everyday and things can develop or crop up at any time. I think I just need to accept that and start living my life now and not dwelling on what might or might not happen further down the road.

What I need to differentiate between and learn is what and when is reasonable to check and to stop looking for things and then convincing myself they are there when in all likelihood they are not!

[pulisa]

I think it is this desire and need to "look for things" which needs to be managed, Munchlet. I agree with all that Joe has said.

Your Mum has undoubtedly had an influence on the development of your HA with the obsession she has with her own health and this continual drip feed of symptom talk can hardly have helped you keep your health worries in perspective.

The ACT/ CBT combination therapy sounds promising but ultimately the best thing you can do is to stop using the internet for self-diagnosis. You won't miss a valid health issue. You know what the red flag symptoms are. Constant checking will lead to paranoia and skewed perception. Constant checking is counter-productive. Repeated GP contact will just give you the reputation of being a"worrier" and you wouldn't want this label.

[ankietyjoe]

"what if I don't check constantly and I miss something".

Every single person with HA says this, yet billions of people around the world go on happily with their lives without checking, right?

And you're right, the CBT/acceptance helps a lot here. The fact is that life is unpredictable and sometimes stuff just happens. People generally know when something is really wrong though as it tends to alert them without them having to check first. There's a big difference between reacting TO something (that then might need attention) and constantly trying to predict a problem that isn't actually there. The latter is 100% guaranteed to provide you with a life of misery and anxiety.

[Munchlet]

Thank you Pulisa and AnkietyJoe I know you are both absolutely right.

I know what I need to do and as you say I just need to stop the checking, otherwise I'll constantly end up back at square one.

I am optimistic about the new therapy and really hope it helps me just start accepting things. I know that this is something I ultimately have to do myself but really feel like I could use some guidance/therapy on changing my general outlook on life!

I had a call with my mum earlier and it's so strange how I've only just started realising that her whole life revolves around health. During the conversation 4 times I had to divert her from the subject and each time I did and tried to ask general questions like had she been for a walk, had she spoken to her sisters, she just turned it back to Covid, her not feeling well, my Dad's leukemia, her sister's illness. I have said to her that in order for me to try and get better I need to stop discussing and dwelling on health issues and her response is "yes and I know I'm not helping you". I think I'm going to have to say to her that health is off limits unless it's something I really need to know. I just don't feel she's helping the situation and whilst she may recognise it I guess she's been doing it so long it will be even harder for her to break the habit!

[cattia]

Munchlet, I honestly could have written all of that myself. I have suffered my whole adult life with health anxiety and I too wonder whether I will ever recover. I’ve also tried hypnotherapy, done two and a half years of counselling and various other approaches including CBT although that was a long time ago. For me, I do struggle with symptoms that happen as part of normal bodily functions. For example, I can see how it’s possible to stop checking your breast for lumps etc, hard as it is. My current obsession is to do with swallowing, which can’t be avoided unless I avoid eating and drinking! I’ve had similar issues with urination in the past - it’s not something you can avoid so if there is a discomfort then you can’t get away from it by not checking. I think that avoiding the internet is also key, but again it’s hard. I do find that I’ve read so much in the past that even if I don’t google, I usually known the worst case scenario anyway!
It’s interesting what you say about your mum, I really really worry that I’m doing this to my own kids, much as I try hard not to! I suppose knowing where it comes from is only helpful up to a point, it’s what to do about it that’s really the issue. I have realised recently that some of my issues could come from being in hospital as a child and coming to believe that my body was not strong and would let me down. Whilst it’s helpful to understand this, it doesn’t alter the fact that I have been thinking this way for most of my life. Anyway, sorry to hijack your threat, but I just wanted to say I really I really do understand this long term struggle and desire to be free of it all.

[pav1984]

I think you can try too hard. Have you tried trying less? In fact dont try at all because the minute you tell yourself to TRY anything, you instantly think it will be hard if that makes sense?

If someone says "try and pick that up" you automatically think it will either be heavy or tricky to pick up.

Just accept you are anxious and let it go. If you have a symptom, dont jump all over it, see if it is still a problem in a few days. If it is then ask a qualified professional who has spent years training. Not Google.

My councillor tried to get me to work out a previous traumatic event, and while I can see the theory, it really just comes down to accepting you cant change the past. What you can change is how you act right now. Start enjoying now.

Cbt will give you tools to help rationalise your thoughts. There is a great link on one of the stickies that is free.

[LF87]

I just wanted to reply and say, it does get better! I am sadly in a relapse but no surprise after losing my dad and the terror of corona.
I'm not sure about hypnotherapy treatment, but cbt definitely helped me and I was HA free for about 6 years following treatment.
I think CBD oil is a brilliant idea and one I'm considering, seems so effective for so many. Keep plodding on, do the cbt work, it does help. I'm also in a hell hole checking things. I just started therapy with a private and very expensive:/ woman yesterday, who explained the mass effect lockdown and all this madness has taken on us, so you're not alone. X

[Munchlet]

Thank you so much everyone.

I love this forum it is so nice to come on here and be given sound advice, a bit of a kick up the bum and also speak to people who truly know what this horrible anxiety is like and the effect it has on us!

Cattia, don't apologise for hijacking it's nice to hear from someone who is going through the same thing. I know what you mean about worrying about passing this onto your own kids as I worry about my son. Thankfully, my husband couldn't be more opposite than me when it comes to health and although I do sometimes see some of my traits in him I am very aware of not allowing him to tread the same tracks that I did. In fact when he mentions any symptom to me I do what a normal rational person would do and tell him it's fine or tell him if it gets worse or doesn't resolve in a week or so we'll book a routine GP apt! Whilst I think my Mum has been a big part of my HA developing she very much indulged my every ailment and I suppose taught me that I should worry about every symptom! Because of this I'm quite aware of what I do and don't want him following the same path and I suspect this is the case with you? My mum doesn't realise she has a problem with HA and probably never will whereas you and I do and are acutely aware of the damage it can do and the behaviours that come with it. If anything it probably makes us more determined to not allow our children to fall into the same trap!

Pav, interesting theory as what you are saying goes along with the book I'm reading "The Power of Now" it's very much focused on just living your life and not giving thought to what might happen or what has happened as he says, nothing ever happens in the past or the future it only happens in the now. I also have a book called Dare which I've not read yet but it comes with a free app and that again tries to teach you to not overthink things and the best way to deal with anxiety and the thoughts are to just accept them and acknowledge it. The theory being it takes way a lot of the power.

LF87, sorry to hear you are having a relapse but 6 years is amazing!!! Interestingly enough I mentioned to my husband about the CBD Oil and he pulled a bottle out of his drawer! I didn't realise that he had bought some to help him through a really stressful work period and so he's given it to me to try. I will be sure to let you know if it has any effect but I've read positive things and it can't do any harm. If it takes some of the edge off it then it will be worth it. I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad and can imagine that would have set you back, along with the Corona! Having said that the sheer fact that you managed to be virtually HA free for 6 years shows that you can do it and I'm sure it's only a matter or time before you do again.

So just wanted to also let you know about some developments that have happened today. I woke up with the awful feeling I've been having, went to the toilet and instantly panicked as there were bubbles in it! However, I then went to the cupboard and got a toilet freshner out which I popped in and it bubbles everytime you flush the chain, so now I won't know if I have bubbles or not. In the process of doing this I also fell down the stairs and landed on my coccyx as well as bashing both my arms so as you can imagine I'm pretty sore!

However, I burst into tears, at which point hubby came running down the stairs and asked what was wrong - I bet he wishes he didn't as it was like unlocking the floodgates but it actually proved really useful. I said I felt I couldn't talk to him when I was worried as he got angry with me and didn't understand and he responded by saying he would do anything he could to help me deal with this but he would not offer me any reassurance or sympathy when I'm convincing myself I'm ill.

His reasoning was by doing this he feels I will take this as a sign he is worried and use it to further substantiate my beliefs that there is something wrong. He feels I had blood tests and whilst one was out of range I would never have known this if I'd not pestered the doctor for further details. He also told me that my comments along the lines of "I'm worried because I made a mistake by googling it and now I think I have these different illnesses" is in his words utter C**p as I know exactly what I'm doing when I google and it's an addiction which can only be broken by me.

So a few home truths but it was nice to hear that he's happy to support me to overcome this and also to understand from his side why I feel he's uncaring and unsympathetic because what he said made perfect sense and he's absolutely right!

It was also a bonus to get the CBD to try but also to listen to him because what he pointed out was actually really useful. He said virtually everyone will have something in life that makes them overthink things or get anxious and they have to deal with it. He said his is work and the only way he can stop his brain from doing the "what if this happens" questions over and over again is to do something else, read a book, go for a walk etc. He said Health Anxiety works in a similar way it's just I'm doing the "what if I have this wrong with me". So he said I need hobbies! I have taken up Calligraphy but I'm also going to join a Rock Choir as soon as restrictions are lifted as I definitely spend too much of my time on my own overthinking things.

So despite having a very sore and bruised bum and arms I'm actually thinking me falling down the stairs was in a way a blessing as it's allowed me to have the most in-depth discussion with my husband and really given me some food for thought.

I will let you all know how the CBT and CBD oil goes as I think it's useful to let others know how we are progressing on this rollercoaster that is HA!