I’ll preface this by saying I haven’t posted here in a long time, I used to do so all the time, but because of my medication things have calmed down for me for awhile now. However, lately an obsession has been clouding my mind with paranoia, and I haven’t been able to shake it. I have diagnosed OCD and generalized anxiety, so it makes sense, but I still can’t let go of this fear I have. Basically around early last year AKA February/March time (I actually posted about this when it was happening, you can find it in my old posts) I had a cruise scheduled with my parents.
It was right around the time COVID was starting, things were really bad in China, but only a few cases had popped up in the US at that point, I think. Well, a week before my cruise, I went out clubbing with my roommate in college (the first and ONLY time i’ve done this btw), and kissed a guy, shared drinks, etc. I was stupid, so stupid. And of course I ended up getting sick. It’s been awhile but I remember that I had the WORST sore throat ever. A horrible cough, where I was coughing up chunks of yellow/green-ish phlegm, and a headache. I don’t remember my other symptoms, but yeah.
Anyways, I had reservations about going, not just because I was sick, but because of the pandemic that was slowly growing at the time. My parents assured me it was fine, and I had the flu most likely (They really just didn’t want to cancel the cruise and end up losing their money as refunds weren’t available). I went on the cruise and was sick the whole time, and really just shouldn’t have gone to be honest. My sickness lasted for awhile, actually, I think about 3 ish weeks. By the time I came back from the cruise, which was about a week long, I was STILL sick. With the pandemic, smack dab in the middle of the cruise was when things really started to get bad in America, I think. Shortly after I came back from it was when my college moved classes online, and the lockdown was issued.
Ever since things have gotten worse, and we now know more about the virus, my OCD is fixated on this whole thing, more and more. My parents have assured me I most likely didn’t have COVID, but I can’t stop worrying about the possibilities. I’m very very paranoid I DID have it, and brought it onto the ship, possibly killing someone. I know I’ll never know for sure, but i’m extremely worried about the possibility. At that point in time, tests weren’t really available yet, but I did get tested for strep throat, which I was convinced I had because the sore throat was so godawful, and my results for that came back negative.
My parents have both taken the serologic (? I think it’s called) test, the one that shows if you had covid in the past previously, and for both of them it came back negative, as well as the fact that I bunked with my family during the cruise, and when I first got sick I was in close quarters with my roommates, and none of them got sick. But my paranoid mind worries they were all somehow asymptomatic. Ever since the cruise I’ve been vigilant, and only go grocery shopping or to my job, I stay home besides that, and I always wear my mask, as well as taking all the precautions. But I worry somehow I had COVID, and spread it on that cruise.
I know the cases were low in America at that point, but I’ve read how it could’ve been in the US sooner than thought, and that I had it and did something horribly irreversible and seriously harmed someone. My parents are saying I’m overthinking and being paranoid, and they keep pointing out that none of them got sick, and if I had COVID at least 1 of them would’ve, and I know that, but my conscience is so guilty. I feel like I seriously killed someone, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I know things were also different at the start of the pandemic, and when I posted about the subject in here about the cruise, many others said not to worry, and just enjoy the cruise, but with how much the virus has progressed and everything we know now, I feel so terrible and guilty.
I guess I could take the serologic test to see, but I’ve heard those only work if you had the virus the last 9 months, and I went on the cruise March of 2020. I don’t know, I guess I just need somehow that I didn’t have COVID, and harmed anyone by being careless.