Referred to breast clinic, diagnosed myself with breast cancer secondary liver cancer

[Anglo]

I agree with your username. Try not to be too harsh on yourself. Let the doctors do their checks and you might find there's nothing to worry about at all. You know you're not alone with your fears, you know you won't be alone if your fears come true. You might read back over this post in a month time and laugh at how scared you were when it ended up being nothing. It's good of you to recognise why your boyfriend might not be taking it so seriously, I'm guessing it's a bit of a "boy cried wolf" situation, but that doesn't make it any less scary for you. If you've diagnosed yourself plenty before and been wrong then, how is now any different? Really. What about now is different to the other times you've scared yourself?

I posted probably an hour ago that every time I've been convinced there's something wrong with me, I've been wrong. Every time - wrong. Now when I'm "convinced" there's something wrong with me, I think back to every other time I was wrong. Every time I thought I was dying, yet I'm still here. Every time I thought I was sure to get bad news, yet I didn't. Every time I thought I wouldn't last, but I have. I still get scared but those memories help take the edge off a bit. Are you in the same boat as me? Have you scared yourself plenty before and been wrong about it?

You're most probably not dying. You're most understandably scared. You're most certainly not alone. x

[HopeI'mWrong:P]

Thanks so much for replying to me - really appreciate it.

I think you're right about thinking back to all the times I have been convinced I have something then been wrong. I does help... But then this thought creeps in and says "but this is different". I guess because in the past GPs have said "I don't think you have anything to worry about" but this time she said "yes, I can see the thickening in one breast. I can also feel some hard lumps under that arm. So I'm going to refer you to the breast clinic urgently". I expected that to happen but it was still super scary. 9 out of 10 breast lumps are benign, but these are large, hard lymph nodes (the GP said that's what she thought they were) and everything tells me that enlarged, round and hard lymph nodes are pretty much always bad. This coupled with the abdominal pain (and I also have back and pelvic pain) makes me worry even more.

Yeah, up until this scare my bf has been really good. To be honest, I pretty much stop functioning when I'm this afraid. I cry, don't sleep, don't eat, fall behind on housework, etc., and he picks up the slack. I feel awful about it. I try but I'm just so consumed with fear that I'm literally shaking and almost feel paralysed by it. He actually has in the past used the metaphor of "the boy who cried wolf" and I totally get why. However, I did remind him that in that story, the boy knew there was no wolf. I'm more 'the boy who keeps mistaking his own shadow for a wolf'.

Thanks again

[Anglo]

"I'm more 'the boy who keeps mistaking his own shadow for a wolf'" Hahaha I like that. I think I'm that boy too.

I get that exact same "but this is different" feeling, and when I think like that I look for all the evidence to support what I believe and tend to ignore the things that contradict it. It's a horrible disease this health anxiety, you'll know just as much as I do. It's so easy to get caught up in that mindset and eventually you think it can only be true, especially when you find more and more things to support it. Try and break that mindset. Try and carry on with your normal tasks. You haven't received a diagnosis so why let it consume your day-to-day activities? All this worrying for nothing. That's what I try to think about anyway.

You said 9/10 times it's benign, so focus on that figure. 90% of the time it's fine. Large, hard lymph nodes? Fine. Might be something, probably isn't. Act like it isn't until you know otherwise, if that ever happens. Of course the doctor will refer you because they want to be on the safe side. The doctor doesn't pay for your tests, it's no skin off their nose by sending you to someone else. What they don't want is to be 99% confident, send you away and risk that 1% being wrong. They have to cover themselves too and they're following procedure by referring you. They refer you knowing that most of the time it comes up with nothing, but it's better safe than sorry.

Your boyfriend is good for picking up the slack. You're good for recognising that. I hope you show him that appreciation like you're sharing it here. Remind him that you're thankful for helping you out when you've had a bit of a wobble and make sure he knows how much it means to you. Both me and my partner suffer from anxiety and we have to pick up each other's slack all the time and it's very important we let each other know how grateful we are for each other. It can feel really bad putting my troubles on my partner, but my partner is there with me for a reason... just like yours is. I'm sure you'd do just the same for him.

You're very welcome. I know what it's like to worry like you are so I want to make sure you know you're not alone with it. My "certainty" over an illness has made me lose sleep, work, weight and the lot. It's not a pleasant place to be and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You carry on carrying on and you'll come out the other side just like last time and the time before.

[HopeI'mWrong:P]

Thank you. You're right, there's no point living in fear until I get a diagnosis. I know that logically that makes sense anyway... haha. I will try to keep that in mind though. If I do get diagnosed, I'd have given myself a few more 'cancer-free' days, I guess.

It must be tough with both you and your partner suffering with anxiety. I guess you both have an idea of what the other person is going through though, so hopefully that helps. And it's nice that you both make an effort to show each other that you're appreciative - I agree, that's super important.

Sorry to hear you've suffered so badly with HA in the past too. It really is awful. Thanks again for messaging me though - it really has helped me tonight.

[Anglo]

You're right, me and my partner both being able to relate to anxiety does help when the other is struggling.

You're welcome again. I'm glad I could help and you can have a good night or day if you stay up.

You're welcome to PM me or post here if you want to update us or you need to chat some more. I know I like having people to talk to and it's always good when you can speak to someone who can relate.

[Carys]

May I suggest to you the 'Breast cancer now' forum, and the section 'Have I got Breast Cancer' to post in, as an alternative to here (if you need more input from more people who understand the situation fully)?

https://forum.breastcancernow.org/t5..._breast_cancer

I'm not saying you DO have BC, as only a specialist would know based on testing, but this particular section if for people like yourself waiting on their clinic appointments and in a very fearful state of mind. Most, as you said, especially at your age, find out there are benign reasons for their symptoms and move on quickly, others stay during their diagnosis and treatment. It may help you just a little at this time to know of the thousands of women around the country who are facing a situation similar to your own right now, and also understand the complexity of the guilt you feel.

Please remember that even IF something is found of concern, BC is the most effectively treatable of cancer types in the vast majority of cases. It most certainly isn't the instant death scenario that you believe it is, there are a variety of modern individual treatments and surgeries, even for cases of very advanced stage 4 cancers that have metastised. I am yet again NOT saying this is your situation, but letting you know that I know a number of people with stage 4 cancer and with ongoing medication they have lived long lives. This is frightening for you, really frightening, and I understand every emotion you are feeling right now, even the fear of dying, but even for those diagnosed there is life after diagnosis

Do keep posting here, and hanging on during the roller coaster of emotions, your answer will come but its going to be psychologically painful now waiting on this appointment. Anglo is right, but its easier said than done, nothing is known right now and no amount of worrying will change anything so take it easy with the jumping ahead to the 'what ifs'.

[Carys]

I have since learned that the type of breast cancer that my symptoms fit with (which accounts for around 10-15% of BC cases) often isn't picked up on mammograms or ultrasound scans, and is only found using MRI.

You can't possibly know this from feeling, you are jumping far too far with this assertion. Even in people with a BC diagnosis the first biopsy will tell you fairly certainly the 'type of Breast Cancer', and a full tumour biopsy after surgery will give the complete picture. I think you are doing far too much reading on BC types right now, of which there are a huge number of subtly different variations

Hold off the diagnoses ! I can't possibly tell you 'yes' it is or 'no' it isn't, but I can tell you this - I've known enough people who have imagined a vastly worse situation than actually exists in their body, or even imagined things with absolute clarity that weren't connected or didn't exist.

[nomorepanic]

Hi

This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.

Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.

It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.

[Anglo]

How are you doing now? You been up to much these past few days?

[HopeI'mWrong:P]

Hi Carys, just wanted to say thank you for your response to my thread. Sorry I didn't reply at the time - my head has been all over the place. Your reply did help at the time though, so thank you.

Hi Anglo. I've been ok. Still very scared but managed to function somewhat. Hope you're doing well. Below is an update on where I'm at with the lymph nodes (in case you or anyone else is interested):

I paid to go go to a private breast clinic last week. The doctor asked me the issue and I told him that my lymph nodes on one armpit are swollen and that my breast tissue feels thicker on that side. He asked if I could think of anything that could have caused them to raise and I told him I had the Pfizer jab 3 weeks prior to seeing him. From that moment on he was sure that the jab was the reason. I explained that the nodes may have been raised before that and that the thicker breast tissue has been there for a long time. He felt my armpit and said that he wasn't concerned by anything he felt (even though there are no palpable nodes on the other side). I had an ultrasound and the radiologist also seemed to be convinced that they were bigger because I had the Pfizer vaccine (she said 2 nodes were big enough to be classes as 'abnormal' but the rest were not). I felt relieved but then she advised that I go back just before my second jab (in 8 weeks) to check that they have gone down, because she "can't say 100% that they are reactive". I agreed to go back in 8 weeks. But as I was getting dressed, she asked if I had insurance for the appointment. I told her that I didn't, and that I was paying for myself. She said "you might want to have a think about whether or not you want to come back then. I haven't seen anything overly concerning, but it's up to you if you want to make sure."

Now I'm confused. I have 2 enlarged, painless lymph nodes, she can't say for certain that they're only reactive, yet she was very blase about me getting them checked again.

My NHS appointment has since come through for this Wednesday, so I'm going to that for a second opinion. Trying to stay positive but still very scared. Thinking they will likely biopsy them.