Referral to breast clinic- terrified

[LJay]

Hi both,
I’m not trying to fob anyone off and I apologise if that’s how this has sounded. I’m just in a dark place right now and my fears are spiralling. I’ve not seen my family for a year because of COVID and these thoughts of cancer keep replaying what happened to my sister who died of bone cancer when we were both teens. I’m just really upset and have had enough of feeling this way.
Carys, I called the hospital yesterday and they said they’d contact me this week to set up an appointment. The thing in my boob/abdomen has become really uncomfortable/painful now so other than work I just want to sleep :(

[Carys]

The thing in my boob/abdomen has become really uncomfortable/painful now

Exactly as I said mine did, after it appeared it gradually became very painful after a day or so, this is identical to my experience. YOu remember when we spoke yesterday I said to you that after a day or so the 'long cord thing' became painful ?! In my case it extended about 6 inches long from inside/under breast down abdomen.

I’m not trying to fob anyone off and I apologise if that’s how this has sounded.

Pulisa said did you think I would 'fob you off' ?

You need to remember all the things I told you about on PM, the fact that this came quickly, the fact that its not a lump, nor is there one, the fact that its following the same pattern as my problem that was self-resolving, the facts I told you about how treatable breast cancers are anyway in nearly 98 percent of cases even IF you were ever diagnosed.

Given your situation with someone who died of bone cancer quite young, which is triggering you, it is even more important that you counteract the negative and apply logic more strongly. Really it is. Whatever this is (and you know I might not be right), the fact remains that no cancer appears this quickly and makes changes this quickly. YOu need to halt this spiralling, and you can do that with some serious effort and strong willpower, honestly. (oh and lay off bra-wearing !)

Carys, I called the hospital yesterday and they said they’d contact me this week to set up an appointment.

Thats good.

[LJay]

Really struggling today.

The cord thing is still there, I just want it gone.

I’ve got to wait another week for my appointment and I’m waking up every night from nightmares and I can’t stop crying. I feel like a burden on everyone I know and I’ve been through this so much now that I’m just struggling to cope. I’ve thought about ending it all, which is ironic since I’m terrified of dying. Maybe I’m just terrified of not being in control of my own life.

I feel so low and pathetic. Cancer came for my sister and now I feel like I’m waiting for it to come for me. It’s like a person I’m running from. I’m so tired.

[pulisa]

You have no definite diagnosis, LJay. You just fear one in view of what tragically happened to your sister.

You're mentally exhausted from the fear and this is skewing your thinking and ability to be rational.

Do you think you would consider asking your GP for some low dose diazepam to tide you over until the appointment? If your anxiety is this bad?

[jojo2316]

I’m so sorry you are going through this..... it is truly terrifying. The condition Carys described - Mondor’s disease - sounds so likely.... and is something I have experienced myself. What I felt was a firm cord-like structure within my breast. It was hard and could not be compressed. The gp seemed unsure, so I was referred to the breast clinic, where they diagnosed Mondor’s. They told me it would eventually go away on its own, which it did over a number of months .....
hang in there xxx

[pulisa]

Please try not to fear the worst and torment yourself? We can't diagnose you of course and it will seem like an endless wait for your appointment but it doesn't have to be a worst case scenario. Take control and take it an hour at a time? Don't allow the fear to take over when you have no diagnosis and haven't seen a breast expert yet? xx

[Carys]

LJay, its going to be ok, really. I know it feels like the end of the world in your mind right now, but it won't be.

Anyway, even if you were a person who walked in with stage 4 cancer (which YOU WON'T be as you'd have known about it progressively altering years ago with massive changes and symptoms !!!) there are treatments and many people carry on living with their treatments for many years. LJay, You only just found this thing, it wasn't there before, and you've checked and found nothing 'inside' of concern, so even IF there was a teeny bc inside - which you couldn't feel at this point - then that is entirely treatable in like 98-99 percent of cases. Breast Cancer is very treatable now, with such an array of modern procedures and targeted treatment. I'm not saying ANY of this to in any way give you the impression you have BC, I'm saying it because at this point you believe you do have it, and therefore trying to make clear to you that even your worst fear wouldn't be as catastrophic as you imagine.

You really need to work hard on this now, talking to yourself non-stop with the positives; 'nothing is coming to get you', and if it was 'coming to get you' this isn't a death sentence. You know my background, and there are people all around you in the street, your road, the supermarket, who will have been treated years and years ago, just getting on with their lives and you probably don't even know that they had a brush with BC.

The waiting is awful, terrifically awful, for appointments - there are women out there today also waiting for theirs, thousands around the country, you aren't alone, remember that. I wish I could wave a wand and make your appointment now, so the specialists could take a look and see what the cause of your symptoms are, but unfortunately its a really busy service and its tough on those waiting. Your sisters situation was tragic, but the deep effect it had on you is making you see things in a way that is so damaging. I know you can't help it, and I think Pulisa's suggestion to contact your GP again is a good one. You will be ok, just a few days to get through and then you'll be able to ask them all your questions and have a proper scan rather than you just feeling around.

If you are feeling as awful as you say, and the anxiety is out of control and you feel you are a risk to yourself, please ring the surgery or a mental health helpline, or Samaritans.

[LJay]

Thank you all so much for your replies. You’re all such strong, lovely people.
I’ve tried pushing everything to the back of my mind, have gone for some walks, fed the duckies in the local park. My appointment is next Tuesday. I’m trying to train my brain to think positively a bit more.

Last weekend was a real low point 😞 the cord thing is still there, it’s sometimes throbbing painfully and the pain seems to extend down my side. I’m sort of taking that as a sign that it’s healing itself.

I’ve also bought a sports bra and thrown out the tight ones I was wearing before.

Taking every day as it comes, it’s all any of us can do x

[Carys]

Any news LJay, as I think you've had your appointment ?

[LJay]

Hello Carys, how are you?
I’d meant to visit here yesterday after my appointment. It went well; while the cord thing is still there (but seems to be fading), the doctors said they couldn’t find anything concerning. I had an ultrasound on the area too.

I’m relieved, but feel my anxiety is what needs to be addressed. :( I can’t go through that every time I find something on my body I’m unsure of. Im considering going back on sertraline for a bit too.

Thank you so much for your lovely words of reassurance and for just being here to talk to. I can’t express how grateful I am x