Dad is coughing up black lumps of blood, awaiting results, absolutely terrified.

[Carys]

Oh my goodness, what a terribly difficult time these last few months have been for you. You are so proactive quitting your (degrading and destructive) role and taking another that has given you more strength during this time, I applaud you for taking all steps you can make life more bearable for you and your family. All you can do at this time is allow your Dad to have autonomy, and follow the advice of the medics. When and if they think there is no more that he should do, or can be done, they will let you know. This doesn't help you watching everything going on and being on an emotional roller-coaster though, and I agree with Pulisa that talking to friends in more detail - getting it out - is the way to go.

[JValentine]

Hello both,

Thanks for responding.

People couldn't believe I was quitting and losing all the money. But I have always been the first to change the status quo if it doesn't feel right.

I suppose I need to sort myself out in this respect lol!

I will definitely message my friend. I became traumatised recently by poor little Arthur labinjo Hughes who was murdered by his "father" and "step mother". I would just cry and cry about it all the time, so angry. It really affected me. I wrote a big post on Facebook about it (I never write on there) saying how loved he was and is and I would have given him the world if I'd had the chance.

She was the first to message saying I'd been traumatised and please pop round and see her. Bless.

Sorry I've rambled again.

Dads currently there, being pumped full of the precious poison.

Praying it works.

I will keep posting.

Take care both xx

[pulisa]

You may be not seeing as much money in your bank account but what you lose in wages you gain in self worth and mental wellbeing and relief in being away from that toxic crowd.

Your friend understands how your emotions are on high alert and wants to help you..

Your dad is so brave to be stoically confronting another chemical onslaught. I hope you get to see him very soon and that the precious cocktail of medication starts to target its enemy with deadly accuracy xxx

[JValentine]

Thank you Pulisa.

I love your last sentence ❤ so do I xx

[JValentine]

Hi all,

I hope you are all well x

A big update. Can't believe it's been 9 months since my last.

My dad is in a very bad way.

The docetaxel chemo destroyed him physically. The strongest he could have. Literally broke his body. He has had no feeling in his extremities since it finished 6 months ago. He is skin and bone and his lungs keep collapsing.

He fell at home 4 weeks ago and now can barely move. He is incredibly frail and using a multitude of assistance equipment at home. Above the pub that they run..helpful..

He is also on morphine for the terrible back pain from the fall. Well, he thinks it's the fall. Praying it is and it's not the cancer.

He's had no treatment whatsoever for 6 months. Liver tumours are smaller and stable but the Lung one needs to be kept in check again soon possibly.

However he isn't strong enough for anymore treatment.

He's just wasting away.

Writing his will.

My eldest brother went to see him today and told us he is dying. He is in good spirits still and said he isn't going anywhere. And I'm praying more than anything he stays with us but his poor body is done. But you can tell I think when you see people. In a few weeks he's really gone downhill. He thinks it's just a bad patch and I'm praying it is.

I'm going to see him tomorrow but I must admit I'm very scared to go.

I do not think I will be able to get through this.

How do you physically and mentally survive watching a parent die and burying them?

[pulisa]

Nobody thinks that they can but they have to because there is no other option and would that parent actually want their child to suffer so much anyway?

Your dad is a very brave man and has endured months of aggressive treatment and horrible pain. He's putting up a front for you and it can't be easy for him. Go and see him for yourself..He'll be so pleased to see you and needs to see you. Writing his will is sensible both for him and for his family. However you find him, he'll be your dad and you will be able to talk openly. You don't need to be brave, you just need to be yourself and his much loved daughter. Just talk to him..

Please let us know how you get on... if you feel you want to, that is?xx

[JValentine]

Nobody thinks that they can but they have to because there is no other option and would that parent actually want their child to suffer so much anyway?

Your dad is a very brave man and has endured months of aggressive treatment and horrible pain. He's putting up a front for you and it can't be easy for him. Go and see him for yourself..He'll be so pleased to see you and needs to see you. Writing his will is sensible both for him and for his family. However you find him, he'll be your dad and you will be able to talk openly. You don't need to be brave, you just need to be yourself and his much loved daughter. Just talk to him..

Please let us know how you get on... if you feel you want to, that is?xx

Morning,

Thanks for replying x

I am going to see hin today with my husband, I'll let you know how I get on.

Xx

[pulisa]

Only if you want to...

I'm glad your husband is going with you...Just take things as they come and you can assess how he is for yourself xx

[JValentine]

Yes I do want to.

I'm really struggling and writing here does help a little bit. I really appreciate a stranger talking to me! Not someone I know who can talk to me straight. If you know what I mean.

Getting ready now and I'm just in bits. Hearts racing and I'm dreading it :(

[pulisa]

Of course you are frightened..I certainly was when my mum had cancer. It's terrifying no matter how old you are.

It must have been an incredibly emotional visit but I hope you came away feeling better than you did this morning..