Really struggling

[Knickersinatwist]

Hi everyone, just looking for a place to get everything out really.

My anxiety is going crazy and I don’t know what to do. For about five months I have felt this building in me. For a while my mother has been showing signs of dementia. She lives with dad who is ok, but both are elderly. At first I think I was in denial and didn’t want to believe it, but I have to face it. I am the only carer if something were to happen to them, but so far they have been healthy enough to look after themselves so I haven’t had to take on any caring responsibilities. That said, dad does pretty much everything for mum, and I know she would not be able to look after herself at all if anything happened to him. I’ve gone into a tailspin of panic thinking about what the future may hold. I’m terrified of something suddenly happening to dad. I work full time and live 13 miles away from them, and I can not cope with the worry or thought of what might be coming. I don’t even know where to start. I recently started to set up lasting power of attorney for them both (in a panic) however just after I sent the forms off yesterday I realised we missed a section and they’d have to be done again. That made me have a meltdown, thinking that I can’t afford to waste any time trying to get these things sorted out. Now every time I visit my parents I get (secretly) upset and anxious, as just witnessing my mother’s memory issues sends me into turmoil. It’s ridiculous but we all like to think our parents will go on forever as we know and love them and I’m just not coping with that not being the case now.

Meanwhile last week I found out that my job is going to be terminated. Last year was extremely stressful at work as I was covering two jobs as my manager was off on long term sick. I got extra pay to cover the higher role and when my manager resigned, steps were made to get me permanently into that role, however last week they announced that the role would actually be terminated. They have offered me the chance to interview for the same job but under the employment of a different organisation which would pay significantly less. I was really shocked and hurt by this as I’d worked so hard and made myself quite ill with stress and anxiety although I didn’t disclose this or take any time off, and the promotion is something I’d been working towards for many years. I just don’t feel I can continue with what is being offered. I cried when they told me and kept going...all day and into the next and the next. I was angry and upset but also panicky, wondering what to do, my mind spinning and every option seeming unfavourable. I keep thinking I should be thankful they’re still offering me something, but it isn’t cutting it. The news just made me collapse!

While I’ve always been prone to anxiety, over the last few days it’s got really bad. I’m also depressed, but anxiety is crippling me. I can’t think straight, I feel exhausted, I’m not sleeping well, I feel wired and on edge constantly, sad, irritable, crying all the time, don’t want to do anything and I’ve started to feel numb, like I’m drifting through the days not really present. All I want to do is curl into a ball and have everything disappear. My partner is supportive but has said he can’t cope with me like this and wants me to snap out of it and move forward, as it’s upsetting him and bringing him down.

I hate being this way. I just want to be able to cope like other people do.

[Speranza]

Bless you, this is a huge amount to have on your plate.

When you say you want to be able to cope like other people do, does that include 'by taking meds'? Are you already on something? Are you open to taking something?

I think the first thing to do would be to speak to your doctor. if you are already taking meds, ask for a review. And if not, just talk honestly to them about the anxiety. See what they offer by way of medicine and talking therapies (and do take that up if offered).

Are you an only child? You could speak to Social Care and ask them to signpost you to useful services. There may be things your parents can do together in the day; they may be eligible for some care visits.

The job thing is a tough one. At least you do have work and some pay - channel all the energy you are using on the anger and hurt into finding a new and better position. Remember, you hid what you were going through so they won't know they 'owe' you (and anyway that isn't how employers tend to work, is it!) Anger needs to be felt, acknowledged and then moved on from, otherwise it can eat away at you and you will have depression as well as anxiety.

You say your partner is supportive but also that they want you to pull yourself together, which isn't at all supportive. What do you need them to know and understand? There are other websites with resources for people going through anxiety - have a Google and find yourself a network and see if you can pick up some tips for helping your partner to understand.

This is just so you know your post has been read and thought about - happy to talk some more but I'm off to bed in a few minutes.

Keep talking to us. x

[NoraB]

All I want to do is curl into a ball and have everything disappear. My partner is supportive but has said he can’t cope with me like this and wants me to snap out of it and move forward, as it’s upsetting him and bringing him down.

I hate being this way. I just want to be able to cope like other people do.

I think that most people would struggle with the kind of stress you're going through, so don't be so hard on yourself.

I presume your partner is supportive in the practical sense? Because telling somebody to 'get a grip' isn't emotionally supportive. Nor is whining about how the stressful events (that you have no control over) are affecting him. This, to me, is just another stress to add to your list.

The lack of sleep will make the anxiety worse and you will feel less able to' cope' with what life's throwing at you, but it's a vicious circle with stress and sleep as those stress hormones you've been releasing all day are still swilling about at night when you need to rest. Your brain will find it hard to switch off. If you can, try and find ways to 'switch off' where you park your troubles for an hour or two. Hard to do, I know, but every little thing helps!

This thing with your parents is a phase as nothing in life is permanent. Parents get older and they get ill. It's something most of us have to come to terms with. You just have to know that one day you will look back and know that you did your best for them, and that's all any of us can do.

You're supporting your parents, but you need someone to support you. That someone should be your partner. I have numerous health and mental health issues and I rely on my husband for so much but I still supported him when his dad became ill last year - because that's what you do when you love somebody. You step up and do what you can.

Your partner need to step up here imo..

[Catkins]

Do they have carers going in now? They might be able to apply for an attendance allowance (not sure if that's the correct name for it now).

Carers can come in as often as you need them too. To meet whatever needs they have at a particular stage.

That would take the pressure off tou kn one respect?

[Lencoboy]

I really feel for you as I can totally relate to your difficulties right now as my own mother has dementia, and I have ASD.

Obviously the stresses and strains caused by the ongoing Covid pandemic and your redundancy have added further fuel to your fire.

My advice is to try to hang on in there as I'm sure things won't be dire for ever more. Fingers crossed your mom will get more support, you will find another job, and the pandemic will eventually be over!