Hello again! Advice and support needed

[Jo79]

Hi Kay,
Fingers crossed we will get there soon, although I’m convinced I’ll need to go to the maximum dose as I have on every other med I’ve tried 😒

I’m lucky that I have a really flexible job working from home where I can choose how many hours I work each week, between 10 and 30, so if I’m feeling really crappy I just do the minimum but usually manage 20 a week. I have a little boy too so it’s great for fitting around school hours too 🙂

I keep telling myself I have got through this many times before and I will again eventually, it’s just this time around I am one of the unfortunate ones who has to try a few meds before I get there!

[KayMK]

That's good your job is flexible. It's great that you are even managing to do any hours. I'm signed off now. I didn't think I would need to be, was sure I would be OK to go back by now but it's taking longer than I thought.
I've got a daughter who is 13 and a son who is 7. It's hard to be struggling with this with kids to look after too isn't it. I feel guilty all the time. My 13 year old understands, she's so good helping with stuff. They have been on half term this week and we have literally done nothing.

I had a bad day yesterday. I knew I had to speak to the Dr about my sick certificate and every time I called and it was engaged I could feel the anxiety getting worse. It's ridiculous really.
I'm pretty sure I used to a competent woman 😜
I ended up not being able to get up or eat all day.
But again by the evening felt OK. It doesn't seem to matter how bad I am in the day I still get a little better come the evening.
I remember that from the last few times I was ill and I'm pretty sure that means the meds are working.
It sounds like a good sign if you are having the same happen so fingers crossed this works for you.

I cannot wait to feel like me again!
Keep updating. It's so nice to hear from someone going through the same thing. X

[Jo79]

We’re the same, half term this week and have done nothing but my son has his birthday party tomorrow so my mum dragged me out to buy stuff for that, It was really hard and I am dreading tomorrow but I can’t let my son down. Luckily the mums of the kids who are coming all know what I am going through so that makes me feel a bit easier!

I think this week is probably the worst I have felt for a very long time and I have read that it can get much worse before I get better. I also seem to feel normal like clockwork from 5.30 to 6pm every evening m, it’s so strange but I’m not knocking it! I really do hope it’s a good sign. X

[KayMK]

Oh I've been there with the birthday parties and not feeling up to it. It's so hard. Hope it all goes well and your little boy has a good day. If it makes you feel any better I completely missed my little boys 6th bowling party, I just couldn't manage it all, and I asked him if he remembers I wasn't there and he said no! He remembers one of his friends got him an iron man toy but that's about it.

I think this week has been the worst for me too but with moments that were better. It will be 4 weeks for me on Sunday.
X

[KayMK]

Crikey I had a bad day yesterday!
So odd as I had slept OK Saturday night and the waking anxiety wasn't too bad but the depression and crying and the feeling of complete despair just would not leave. I couldn't get up or eat.
Still felt OK by the evening though. What is that all about!!
This morning I was awake at 3.30. Not feeling too bad and then I had this complete and utter calm feeling and I felt totally normal for an hour or so.
Got up and the crying starts!
This all over the place situation is really hard because there seems to be no way of controlling or gauging recovery.
I feel like I'm wishing my life away just to get to the evening and a little break from it all but then I have to start all again the next day.

[panic_down_under]

This all over the place situation is really hard because there seems to be no way of controlling or gauging recovery.

Unfortunately, this is all too common with ADs at the beginning. But such variations are usually a good sign. The problem with an uninterrupted linear improvement is it may owe more to the placebo effect than the med. Also, by my reckoning you're now at day 30 which means plasma levels will have stabilized and now be consistently at their highest level which may account for some of the problems you're experiencing until the bio-feedback mechanisms begin easing serotonin driven side-effects.

[KayMK]

Thanks for your reply. As always very helpful.
Actually had one of my better days yesterday, managed to eat, stay out of bed and moments of feeling like myself.
Different story today. I think this may be the worse I've felt so far. Was awake at 3.30am.Can't stop crying, shaking and shivering. Had a full blown panic attack, couldn't breathe or sit still.
I just keep thinking that I can't carry on feeling like this, however much I tell myself it will get better there's still part of me that doesn't believe it and I can't see a way out.
I'm just feeling like a massive burden on my family. My husband is trying to work and look after the kids and me.

Your reply has made me feel slightly more optimistic for the future. I feel more hopeful when I know the reasons for the terrible feelings.
Thankyou

[Jo79]

I am 5 weeks today on 40mg and I think this week has been the hardest. OCD through the roof and just cannot stop the compulsive googling. My OCD is focused around my relationships with people, mainly my partner of 18 years. I feel myself getting so wound up and irritated by him, don’t know if it’s the real me or just the meds. I also feel the same way about my mum at times and feel like I can’t stand my OH’s parents when before I could just take or leave them and it wouldn’t bother me much. I’ll get thoughts such as ‘maybe you should just leave’ and then that will start off the obsessive spiral of panicking and googling relationship issues, trying to figure out if what I’m feeling is normal, then googling about meds worrying about when fluoxetine will start working for me. I keep telling myself the googling is only making things worse, like a vicious cycle..but then 5 minutes later I’m at it again 🤯😞

[KayMK]

Oh Jo isn't it awful. I'm the same with trying to find an answer to why I'm feeling like this, I keep reading and re reading these posts and asking the same questions over and over. It's exhausting. I just want a bit of a break from thinking about how I'm feeling.
It's so weird you should say about thinking about relationships. I was having a real meltdown this morning and I started to analyse how I feel about my parents and if they are a trigger and I feel like whats happening is my brain is rooting around for any reason to feel like this. My husband got a bit angry with me and it caused a big panic attack and I was telling him he doesn't care about me, which I know isn't true, he's very supportive and we have been married for 20 years! It's just crazy the places my brain is taking me to.
I can't settle today at all. Normally I can at least manage a nap even if the anxiety wakes me and I've got pretty good at dealing with it but today it's just not happening.
I just feel so sorry for myself and guilty and sorry for putting everyone through this. I'm desperate to feel back to normal.

I just keep repeating over and over again it's just a bad day, it's not forever.

I really hope you feel a bit brighter at some point today.
Are there any techniques that work to calm you?
I do the 4 7 8 breathing when I can but I find I can't concentrate on any stuff like that when it's really bad which is annoying because that's when you really need it.
Xx

[Jo79]

I called my psychiatrist in a panic yesterday as I was worrying so much about the meds not working. Her secretary said she would call me back with an appointment which she did this morning, but it’s not until 25th June, so the the psychiatrist must think I need to wait a bit longer. I have just started doing CBT but it’s a lot to take in, and sometimes I try mindfulness meditation but I find my thoughts flying around in all directions.

Funny how you’re having those thoughts about your family too (well not funny but you know what I mean...) I mostly have thoughts that I don’t feel anything for my partner but annoyance, but then I start panicking that he has had enough and is going to leave me. I also get very frustrated with my mum, we used to be so close and best friends but now I find her so overbearing and she still talks to me like a 10 year old even though I am 41 😏