Hitting the wall

[fishman65]

Its time I backed off from some situations. An Aunt has recently passed away, she must have been 94 or 95. She was the wife of my uncle on my mum's side but I hadn't seen her for many years. So I decided I would go to the funeral though have since realised social distancing still stands so attendees may be limited.

This morning after walking our black lab I started to panic. And because I've recently been concerned over getting older, I've put it down to health anxiety. This despite being fitter and healthier than I've been since maybe my early 30s. But then regardless of the cause, panic is panic.

My Dad is the difficult one as its me he looks to as ever it was. I'm finding myself there every other day now, when before it was Thursdays and that was it. Also we've been looking to get a puppy. But they are very expensive right now and Mrs F wants to use my personal pension. But it isn't just the purchase price, there are vets bills etc.

Sorry for the rant.

[Carnation]

Fishman, sending you my thoughts.
Can I just say a panic attack or high anxiety sometimes rears it's ugly head when there is an illness or death in the family or someone close to you.
It doesn't mean however you will be suffering constantly for a long period of time. It's anxiety reminding you of your fears and those thoughts that come home regarding our mortality can certainly be a trigger.
Can I also mention being careful of using your private pension as a lump sum especially for a pet. You may need that extra money later on in life and Mrs F is only thinking of the now and not the future. And do you really need a new addition to the family with having to go to your Dad's place almost every day?
My advice would be to deal with the parting of your aunt first. Then maybe think how your workload with your dad can be shared with other members of the family and neighbours. Possibly home help too.
And breathe! x

[fishman65]

Thank you Carnation It just feels like pressure coming from all sides. My older brother lives much closer to my Dad, but he'll say to him 'call me if you need anything'. By which he knows he won't. If you put the ball in someone's court like that, you put the onus on them.

He does have a lady who comes in and cooks plus some housework. I deal with the rest though. The puppy does bother me for another reason, I get carer's allowance for Mrs F and this could be affected. In fact just having the pension makes it a 'notional income', I've been reading up on it. Though its not a large amount so may not matter.

Thanks for listening.

[AntsyVee]

Does Mrs. F want a puppy because she's lonely and thinks it will want to stay with her? If so, she's wrong. Puppies want to play and be out and move around and go for walks. That puppy won't want to stay shut up in a room with her. If she wants a pet to stay shut up in a room with her all day, she would need an older dog that doesn't want to do much. Or maybe a older bunny that likes to be held. The puppy will end up being yours, not hers.

Your dad puts a lot of pressure on you because he knows you are more reliable. It's not fair to you; you get punished for being competent.

Hang in there, FM.

[fishman65]

Does Mrs. F want a puppy because she's lonely and thinks it will want to stay with her? If so, she's wrong. Puppies want to play and be out and move around and go for walks. That puppy won't want to stay shut up in a room with her. If she wants a pet to stay shut up in a room with her all day, she would need an older dog that doesn't want to do much. Or maybe a older bunny that likes to be held. The puppy will end up being yours, not hers.

Your dad puts a lot of pressure on you because he knows you are more reliable. It's not fair to you; you get punished for being competent.

Hang in there, FM.

Thank you Vee. That's very true about a puppy. I think why I agreed to another dog was what happened on the day we had to have Robbie put to sleep. Myself and daughter had to go to the overnight vet's. The vet had diagnosed cancer and said they could operate but would be very expensive and that the cancer would likely return anyway.

So we held him while he slipped away. On getting home, Mrs F came out to the car where Robbie was wrapped in a blanket. I'll never forget the sobs from Mrs F, like they were from her soul. It was heart breaking and I feel I owe her to heal that awful time. Possibly misplaced, I don't know. But there nonetheless.

[AntsyVee]

Thank you Vee. That's very true about a puppy. I think why I agreed to another dog was what happened on the day we had to have Robbie put to sleep. Myself and daughter had to go to the overnight vet's. The vet had diagnosed cancer and said they could operate but would be very expensive and that the cancer would likely return anyway.

So we held him while he slipped away. On getting home, Mrs F came out to the car where Robbie was wrapped in a blanket. I'll never forget the sobs from Mrs F, like they were from her soul. It was heart breaking and I feel I owe her to heal that awful time. Possibly misplaced, I don't know. But there nonetheless.

Yeah, that was awful. You know how I am with pet stories :S But what happened to Robbie wasn't your fault. And it wasn't your fault that Mrs. F wasn't there either. That's how it goes. He would've been miserable through cancer treatment, and he wouldn't even know why it was happening. You made the only decision that you could have. Does Mrs. F deserve to have a pet? Yes...but not because of what happened to Robbie. Everyone deserves a pet. But a puppy won't be hurt pet. She needs an older dog that just wants to sit on someone's lap.

You should look on Craigslist or pet shelter places because right now a lot of people adopted dogs when they were at home during the pandemic and now they can't keep them as they go back to work. Or like those cats my parents helped give away? Remember, their elderly owner died of Covid? I'm sure there are a lot of older dogs out there that may have lost an owner to covid that just want to be couch potatoes. And those dogs would be free, and probably have all of their vaccines and spay/neutering.

[fishman65]

I must apologise Vee for appearing to miss that last post of yours. That's all good advice and thank you for your input as ever

However the dog question has taken something of a back seat and other events have overtaken it. Mrs F has been bleeding from her bowel again for maybe the last week. Which is a sure fire reason to send my anxiety skywards. The times that I think rather smugly how well I'm doing, and then I realise its because I'm not truly being tested. Its a familiar pattern that you would think I would indeed be familiar with. But panic has that ability to strike and feel like its the first you've ever had.

Whatever will be will be, her bleeding is beyond my control so I have to focus on how I react to it. Easier said than done but I have to try.

[Scass]

Hope you’re all ok Fish, and that your wife is being looked after.
I thought you’d been quiet lately.
Keep us updated x


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[Carnation]

Fishman, it really doesn't stop for you my friend.
A lot for anyone let alone some with anxiety.
As you say, you have no control over Mr's F's health issue but being supportive and worrying can take it out of us.
One day at a time fishman, one day at a time. Try not to think ahead. x

[fishman65]

Thank you Scass and Carnation I do appreciate your kind words. Mrs F showed me last night and the water in the toilet bowl was red. The bleeding has been sporadic for quite a while but more insistent of late. She says she hasn't any symptoms of anaemia though that can obviously change, so a GP appt and I would think a FBC test.

So yes anxiety is delighted but I'm trying not to think too far ahead as you say Carnation xx