Back here again... I’m so disappointed with myself

[Inanna]

Hi all

im desperately trying not to slip back into the HA abyss. I was doing so week for a while.

so, last night I stupidly had alcohol to be sociable. I rarely drink, but last night I had way too much wine for a lightweight like me. In the morning, there was no decaf so I also had full decaf coffee, which I never drink either. Today, the palpitations are back, and I feel so guilty about the alcohol. I have ocd, and not following rules ( drinking alcohol is bad and I should not do it). I feel like something dreadful will now happen.

as I said, I was doing so well. In fact on weds I had my Bupa health assessment, and the dr was unhappy with my breast examination, saying my upper right breast felt more nodular than the left, and that she thought I had some dimpling when I was lying down. Even that did not panic me. Okay, I was concerned, but no full blown ha panic ensued. I have to wait two weeks to go to the one stop breast clinic.

So now I’m panicking about the palpitations, and the breast clinic. Nice one Inanna, you are a complete twonk.

is there any way I can nip this in the bud? Maybe a diazepam tonight, to try to get back to where I was.?


any ideas anyone?

thanks for reading

Inanna xx

[AbyssalStars]

Sorry you are going through this; palpitations suck. Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you mean to say that you had Caffeinated Coffee rather than the Decaf that you usually have? If so, that probably contributed to the palpitations. I always get palpitations after drinking coffee. Always. Caffeine and I have a terrible terrible relationship; it tastes great and wakes me up but also gives me palps which freaks me out.

Don't know what to say about the breast examination worries. Tbh I am right there with you. My dad's mom had breast cancer, which greatly increases my own risk unfortunately.

I don't take any anxiety meds myself (did not do to well with the first SSRI I tried and am scared to try again), but something that helps me is listening to meditation music, specifically sleep talk-downs. My favorite videos can be found on the YouTube channel called Jason Stephenson. If I remember correctly, he is a New Zealander with the most relaxing voice and accent ever (at least in my opinion).

[NoraB]

So now I’m panicking about the palpitations, and the breast clinic. Nice one Inanna, you are a complete twonk.

is there any way I can nip this in the bud? Maybe a diazepam tonight, to try to get back to where I was.?

It isn't so much the 'slip' but what you do to get yourself back up.

You know why you have these symptoms again, so you need to allow your body time to settle down and you can help yourself by not ingesting any stimulants for a while, so no sugar, chocolate, caffeine and obviously no more alcohol!

Also, try not to berate yourself. We all take a couple of steps back sometimes and we make poor choices that we pay for over the following days, weeks, or months. This is where fear will try and creep back in if we allow it to. Or we can accept that what's happening is nothing more than stress/anxiety and while it feels unpleasant (and aren't we used to that?) these symptoms will pass if we make a few lifestyle adjustments and try to keep stress in check.

You're not a 'twonk'. You're doing great. X

[BlueIris]

Please don't blame yourself, Inanna? We all have blips occasionally.

Hope all goes well with the clinic appointment; I think you know the palps are just the result of a few unwise choices.

[Inanna]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Today has been better. Work is so busy I just haven’t had time to think about anything else. My job requires my full concentration. Over the years, I think it’s been the only thing to save me from myself.

its stragpnge about the breast clinic thing. Maybe because I’ve always had “bean bag “ breasts, and a couple of years ago, my doctor thought she’d found some cysts and packed me off to the clinic. After an ultrasound, it turned out it was just breast tissue. So, it might be the same thing all over again. Of course p, it might not be, so best I get it checked out, but Somehow, it’s just not freaking me out as much as stuff usually does.


the palms have diminished, so maybe it was just down to alcohol and caffeine, and the anxiety that I experience after the fact

illl update this thread again after my referral

thank you all again

inanna xx

[Inanna]

Well, today is the day.

Ive managed to keep my anxiety at a low level and kept myself busy. However, today I am thinking that all the other times I have freaked out about something and it’s turned out to be nothing, this time I’ve coped so the irony will be that I will get the worst case scenario and it will be serious .


I have been feeling my breasts quite a lot, trying to work out what she was feeling. Oddly , my left breast feels lumpier, I can feel something at the top, about an inch in size



Inanna xx

[pulisa]

You will get an expert assessment today, Inanna. Please let us know how you get on and good luck! xx

[Inanna]

Hi Pulisa

thank you for asking.

The assessment went well. I saw the same consultant that I did 2 years ago. He said he could not feel anything but normal breast tissue. We did a mammogram, and that all came back clear, he said my breasts had not changed from the last time. He did not see any need for an ultrasound, so I left it there. I was quite proud of myself, as in other times I would have been insisting on the us again, in case he missed something.

So that’s all good news. It’s the second time a dr has panicked over my breasts, and insisting on referring me. I suppose they are being ultra cautious.

However, I am still in the rabbit hole. I have “something” on my labia, and now am thinking I have vulval cancer. It’s not a lump, but more like a hard spot. I thinks it’s been ther for at least two years, but now I am thinking it seems a little bigger, to the touch. Oh HA, why can’t you leave me in peace!

thank you again, you are all fab

Inanna xx

[pulisa]

Very good news re the breast examination and I'm sorry your private health check caused unnecessary anxiety. You did very well to accept the consultant's assessment without requesting further tests because your HA wanted another fix.

Just don't leap onto another cancer "definite" when it's in all likelihood a harmless cyst? If you prod and poke at it you may get an infection which will complicate matters.

[Inanna]

Thank you Pulisa

I am struggling again, I can’t sleep at all. I’m scared that it’s probably a genital wart, and it’s all my fault, I’m a really bad person. I have a lovely kind partner, how am I ever going to tell him? He will be disgusted by me (as I am of myself), he may even think I’ve cheated on him — I haven’t, and never would. We’ve been together just over 2.5 years.

ive been going over my part, and feeling shame. I was sexually assaulted about 8 years ago, and it was because I was really drunk ( I’ve since almost given up alcohol), but I don’t know if my drinks were spiked. I don’t remember much, but I got injured in a way that I knew I would never have consented to,
. Also, 3 years ago, I was coerced into having unprotected sex with a man I had been dating a few months ( we only slept together that one time). I didn’t want to, but was too weak to stand firm. I instantly regretted it, and he turned out to be a player who dumped me as soon as he got what he wanted. I think I posted on here about it at the time.

I know I’m going to lose my partner now, I deserve it, I’m feeling really hopeless.


Inanna x