My anxiety is being triggered

[Catkins]

Thanks Tham. Things have improved and I'm on more of an even keel at the moment.

Hope things improve for you soon.

[Carnation]

Pleased to hear that catkins

[Catkins]

Pleased to hear that catkins

This mindful self compassion stuff really helps. I have to keep reminding myself to do it even when I'm feeling OK though. I think a lot of things that I've learnt over the last few months will have to be practiced for the rest of my life. But to be honest, it's a small price to pay for having less anxiety and more 'good days'.

[pulisa]

Being on an "even keel" is a significant achievement and is worth its weight in gold when you have spent months feeling all over the place and frightened. It's great to hear, catkins and well done on all your perseverance!

[Catkins]

Thank you, couldn't have done it without all the help on here either.

[Catkins]

I'm loath to write this, but I'm hoping it might make me feel better and help get my thoughts straight in my head.

Over the past couple of weeks I've not been feeling great. I've started feeling a bit more anxious and I am having bouts of really negative thoughts descend on me with increasing regulatory. So I'm thinking what's going on, I feel like I've made so many improvements in my life and I've had so many small successes this year.

I've already complained on here about all the medical tests I've had to have this year so I'll summarise. Had a persistent cough so in January told the doctor, he sent me for an x-ray, fine. Couple of months later, still coughing, phoned GP's again, saw the nurse and had blood tests, based on what I'd described to her they thought it was probably silent reflux so upped my lansoprazole. Blood test comes back, I have high platelets, they want to do another test in a month and test my poo (for h-pylori), fot that I have to stop the lansoprazole. I do the poo test, all OK. Have the blood test, platelets still high, HbA1c high, cholesterol high. Have to do a fasting cholesterol test. Comes back ridiculously high, given information about statins which I don't want to take. Have to go back in 3 months for another blood test. Have lung function test - no problem. Change my diet, lose a it of weight as a side effect. Three months come, blood test again. HbAic has gone down a bit, good news. But platelets still high, have to have another poo test and referred for CT scan (had it last Tuesday). The forgot to check my cholesterol on the blood test so I've got another fasting cholesterol tomorrow.

I'm exhausted by all of it. I feel like I've managed a lot of the anxiety around it reasonably well, not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I've got through it. Even had feelings of guilt regarding my mum, she used to have to have a lot of tests and I would always tell her it's better to know and then something can be done. I'm not feeling that anymore. I'm now thinking like her -sick to death of them. I also earlier in the year had a lot of feelings about how I was following the exact same pattern physically as her and I felt incredibly guilty about how I'd treated her at times and quite fearful about my mortality and that I was going to be physically the same as her - which wasn't good.

So even though all the above was going on, I still felt like I was making positive steps forward. I've even thought a couple of times about considering reducing my AD's down a little.

So during this time an opportunity came up at work to have some training. I have for many years wanted some additional training above our mandatory training. So when it came up I said I was interested. It's an apprenticeship to become a Podiatrist as opposed to being a Podiatry assistant, which is what I am now. My bosses were very supportive and encouraged me to do it. So I went through the application process, did the university application and all the other paperwork, had the interview, got through that and got on the course, I start in September. Throughout the process I had a lot of doubts about myself, should I be doing it, am I capable, will I cope, do I really want to it. My logical head reassured me, even when I had to do an online assessment on maths, english and IT and felt I hadn't done particularly well, I convinced myself that it was good because the university would provide any support if they felt I needed it. Announcements were made that I was doing it, the first person in North Cumbria to do the Podiatry Degree Apprenticeship etc, etc.

I'm now shitting myself. All the negative thoughts are about not being able to cope, how the hell am I going to do it, what was I thinking etc. I'm seriously considering saying I don't want to do it, after they've got funding etc. Last week at work something happened that upset me. It's stupid really, it wasn't even one of the things that normally piss me off. So we'd had an afternoon of nail surgery, it was heavy going, one procedure had to be abandoned because the toe wouldn't go to sleep, one nearly had to be abandoned but someone else came in gave another injection and eventually did fall asleep. It was three and a half hours of standing around being supportive to the patients and assisting the podiatrist. It was quite draining and I started thinking, hell, this will be me one day. After we'd finished, way later than my finish time I was in the office and took off my tunic to put on normal clothes (we don't have a changing room) and as I was standing there in my bra my male colleague walked in. I was obviously embarrassed and felt terrible for him. I got dressed and apologised, I should of changed in the toilet etc. But since that seemingly insignificant thing I have kind of gone down a hole. I started feeling I was trapped in my job (I think brought on by my incredibly uncomfortable feelings), that because I'd committed to doing the course I couldn't leave, that there was such high expectations for me that I couldn't possibly meet them. Just a complete spiral of negativity about myself.

So that's where I'm at, intrusive negative thoughts about myself and my abilities. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and it's the first thing on my mind, not the fact that we'd had a bring and share with work colleagues in the afternoon and I'd eaten pastry, cake, copious amounts of cheese and other fatty/sugary foods and had bad guts. After a period of explosions I went back to bed and had a panic attack, which eventually subsided and I got a couple more hours sleep.

I'm not sure what to do. My instinct is to not do the course, but I know I'll be letting myself down more than anything else, if I do step back from it. Do I give it a go? I have lots of support.

Ultimately I'm afraid I'm going to end up feeling like I did last year.

[BlueIris]

Groggy and half asleep right now, but I want you to know I'm thinko6about you.

[pulisa]

Of course you are worried about having a "relapse" because you are being challenged with something new and untried..The question is...Do you actually want to take on a new challenge and become a Podiatrist "proper"? You have recognised that you have wanted to take on additional training for a long while..so why not now with this opportunity?
Because the anxiety demons will be pestering you with the "but what if I have bad news re my tests?" and "but what if I'm not good enough and waste all that time and money which has been put into my training?"

Pros and cons? I think you have to list these honestly on paper and in your mind. Bear in mind that anticipatory anxiety will be very powerful in persuading you that "the time is not right" but maybe it is. Maybe you will feel better once you know your test results? It's all uncertainty and wondering at this stage.

Sorry if I've waffled on..I'm sure others will be far more helpful

[Catkins]

Thank you both.

I'll definitely do the pro's and cons list.

With the tests, I was really more worried about the actual getting the scan done rather than the results. Although I guess at the back of my head there is a lurking fear. Just don't want to have anymore tests. I need time thinking everything is OK. Plus we're going to Portugal on holiday next month - another shot of anticipatory anxiety.

[Carnation]

Catkins, I'm so pleased you have poured out all of your concerns and worries. It really is the best thing to do. Get it all out!!!!
After I read your post I'm taking your first and foremost situation and concern about all the tests and investigations on your health.
Of course you are going to be sick of it all but they are being thorough and that really is a good thing. I'm sure one of the issues here is you just want to know the diagnosis so it can be fixed and you can get on with your life. It's the pulling about, the inconvenient, the anxiety going through it all. It does sound though that you might be coming close to the end of the investigations and you've done so brilliantly through it all.
Secondly, you are not your mum, you are you. Yeah, they may be some genes but you won't necessarily go the same path as your mum or any other member of the family.
Thirdly you are still working so there's no serious situation lurking. Your colleagues want you to be fit and healthy and deep down you do too. So hold on in there.
The thoughts about how you were with your mum is so familiar to me. I'd be pushing mum to get things seen to and she just became so tired of it in the end. Unlike before when she'd be constantly getting things checked out.
We only keep at them as part of caring and is perfectly normal to do so. Your mum and my mum will know that even if they don't say. We also do what we think is right at the time. So please don't have any regrets, you were doing a great job at being a brilliant daughter.
Now the job.
Of course you may be having second thoughts, especially with everything else going on.
But take a moment to sit, close your eyes and think how you would feel if you didn't pursue this opportunity. Would you be happy with letting a opportunity pass you by?
Nothing is set in stone, you can change your mind, now later, in the future. But you are in the present and the decision has to be made for now. It won't be anything to do with your capabilities because you are very capable and you are more than likely thinking how it will impact on your personal health. It doesn't even have to. They are two separate issues and you can do this if this was your original goal.
The bra incident. Lol, it happens and in this current state of the world will not be in such a shock as many years ago. You were hot and tired and its not like you go around exposing yourself on a regular basis. Let that one go and smile about it.
Anxiety..... It will no doubt raise its head when certain issues, worried, stress arise. We all have to expect that. And I've learnt that in some situations it can be more of an intense situation than anxiety itself and that is perfectly natural. Take time out no matter how short to have those mindfulness moments, time to be alone, to think, to be. It really does help you to carry on with your daily life.
You are amazing and you need to tell yourself that.