My anxiety is being triggered

[pulisa]

I think the same as BI. You haven't left them in the lurch and you must put yourself first now. The pressure of keeping your private business going isn't what you need right now. Things might change later but at the moment you can put things on hold until you feel better able to make a decision?

[Catkins]

To be honest the more I think about it the less I actually want to run it at all. With the private work (which often went over my allotted 1 day per week) on top of my main job (30 hours) I was often doing 40 hours, plus all the housework and washing etc. There was very little downtime and over the last few months (actually probably 2 years) with everything else that has been happening I really feel like it's all been too much.

I remember saying to someone when I had a week off in February, that I felt so completely and utterly exhausted that I was just going to do nothing and sit about and read, that I just felt completely drained. Then mum died on the Saturday of the start of that week off.

I have been chasing my tail to meet the needs of other people for too long and I feel completely and utterly furious with myself for doing it to myself. FFS I'm 53, I should know better. But I somehow forgot.

When my husband got ill and was having a horrible time in 2019 I should have thought, hang on, we've got a lot going on, maybe I need to cut back a bit, take it easy, there's a lot to process. But no I battled on and made no allowance for anything. I had a bit of a break from my privates for a couple of months during lockdown. But it's not like I could relax and take it easy. I was redeployed into a job I hated. But, did I say 'hang on is there anything else I could do as I'm really having an awful time', no I just carried on with my stupid stiff upper lip and wiped those arses. I didn't even ask for travel time for my redeployment, I just put up with the 12 hour days with some misguided 'we'll get through this together' spirit.

I am really cross and upset with myself. I have been foolish. I'm not superwoman. I am a middle aged menopausal woman who has piled more and more on to herself until she just couldn't cope with it all. What on earth was I thinking?? Why did I think I had to do it all??

I think I might have to set up a standing order for this new therapist, I may need to see her for a while......

[Catkins]

Sorry, I seem to have gone on a bit today.

[Catkins]

And I don't blame my mum for her unfortunate timing. She couldn't help it.

[pulisa]

Don't be furious with yourself. I'm 62 and under a lot of pressure with my 2 adult autistic children.

You did what any conscientious person would do. The bereavement just naturally brought everything to a head.

[Catkins]

Don't be furious with yourself. I'm 62 and under a lot of pressure with my 2 adult autistic children.

You did what any conscientious person would do. The bereavement just naturally brought everything to a head.

I have a tendency to be hard on myself. I am going to have to work on it.

I want to say I'm sorry you have such a tough time of it too, but I don't want that to sound trite. It can't be easy. My nephew is on the spectrum - he's a great kid but does find it tough sometimes, especially being a teenager who grew up in Germany and then relocated to England to a British comprehensive.

[pulisa]

That must have been very challenging for him. I bet he speaks English better than his classmates though! All this "having to fit in" let alone having to adapt to living in another country would be difficult for any neurotypical teenager. All credit to him. It must be exhausting for him mentally.

[Catkins]

He's a clever lad and I'm sure being bilingual will be an advantage in later life. Fortunately my brother and s-I-l are quite clued up and will fight for him as much as they can.

[pulisa]

Let's hope the school is clued up too and not just focused on academic attainments.

[Catkins]

Well I've done it, I messaged three of my remaining private patients and told them I wasn't going to be doing my private work for now and gave them alternatives. A friend is going to phone the remaining two and one of the ones I texted is friends with another 2 so I've asked if she can let them know.

I had a good cry after I'd done it. Sad because even after all my blustering I feel like I've let them down and also because I got two lovely messages back.

Yes I'm worried about reduced availability of money. Bit I am also kind of relieved that I don't have to do it anymore. If I do start again, I'll go into it with a different attitude, not commit myself to so many and I may even charge more. But that's something for way down the line if I feel like it and not if I don't.