My anxiety is being triggered

[pulisa]

I think it's a good sign that he's mixing with his friends but that doesn't mean to say that he doesn't value the time he spends with you. You feel you need to keep an eye on him but the more he shows you that he's doing ok the more you can relax and make contact when it suits you both. He knows where you are..Your Mum will always be that shared link but the fact remains that he may be ready to move on with his life and you are grieving for someone you have known all your life.

[Catkins]

From what he tells me he misses her every day and sometimes it's hard to hear. But it's nearly 8 months so I think we've all got try and move on from it. She'll always be part of me and I'll always miss her.

My husband said to me yesterday that when we were away I hardly mentioned her. She wouldn't want any of us to be stuck feeling terrible.

Having enough confidence in myself to move forward is daunting. When we were away I glimpsed what it felt like to feel good again and I want to really work towards getting back there. But perhaps a new and improved me, one that doesn't bury my feelings and needs and put others in front of me so much. Now if there was an easy way to do that, that would be great!

[pulisa]

Realising and acknowledging that fact is a big step. I don't think you need to make it a big "project", more something that you're mindful of when you are put on the spot and asked to go beyond what you're comfortable with?

[Catkins]

I know what you mean. I guess in my counselling sessions we can deal with that and maybe the rest of the time I should just try and live.

[pulisa]

I don't think it's something you need to focus on because that just gives it too much weight and more of a perceived "problem" to fix. You don't need "problems"..You do need to live now. You know that you have a carer mentality and a lot of people do. It's about having the confidence to say no when you know that too much is being asked of you and you need to be mindful of protecting your own wellbeing.

[Catkins]

Thank you. Makes complete sense.

[Carnation]

I agree with what Pulisa says about not putting too much emphasis on changing your ways to live your life. Just be and let it happen naturally but be mindful of overstretching the caring role. I'm naturally a caring sort of person, always at the ready to step in if I know help is needed. Overdoing it if I'm honest with myself. And I'm also learning that many people don't want my fussing as they might see it.
8 months down the line for you is plenty of time to let go of what you might think of as dutiful routines. There may have been a hint of a need to keep that regular contact with your Stepfather for your own personal grieving at first as well. Saying that, losing your mum is not something you are going to get over with emotionally in any particular time span. But it's important you live your life and please yourself. Your trip away just proves that you don't have to be bogged down with emotions or commitments, that you can be free to live and hopefully enjoy your life. Never feel guilty about time for yourself catkins or feeling happy in a moment because it means you are healing.

[Catkins]

Time for myself is a difficult one. I have a tendency to keep too busy so that I don't have to think, which leaves me wiped out. Or fill it full of other peoples stuff - yes I am probably there too with the fussing Carnation.

I definitely think I did keep ringing my stepdad for my own grief as well. Grief is so tough, completely natural, yes, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone (although it would be nice if we could avoid it completely, obviously we can't).

I've had two reasonably OK days, I'm going to be thankful for them. I've sat for 2 hours browsing the Next sale, only found a couple of things that I thought I might buy, but the hubster has convinced me I don't need lime green trainers just because they're a bargain. I am going to pick any surviving tomatoes and then have tea.

Thank you.

[pulisa]

"Shared" grief can be therapeutic for a while but the hard bit comes when one or other of you feels the need to "move on" (hate that term). It doesn't mean disloyalty or not caring anymore. It's a natural progression.

Lime green trainers may be a panic buy? Save your cash for something nice for the Autumnal chill?

[Catkins]

But I might need them! I've only got about 25 miles worth of petrol left in the car so I might have some serious walking ahead of me. Although perhaps my walking boots, walking trainers, dark green trainers, insulated wellies and other assorted suitable footwear (if you can't run in them they aren't worth having) might suffice.