My anxiety is being triggered

[Catkins]

Just texted my stepdad that I'm having a bit of a blip and that I'll maybe phone him on Thursday.

Also texted my next in line senior person and said all being well should be in tomorrow and she said don't worry if I'm not up to it.

[pulisa]

I think it's a good idea to put a bit of an emotional distance between your stepdad and you. Maybe space out your calls but tell him when you will next be ringing so that he knows in advance? Calls can be emotionally draining and a big commitment when you are feeling drained yourself.

Glad you've got someone supporting you at work who "gets" how you are feeling.

[Carnation]

Catkins, try not to be so hard on yourself, I think most of your energy goes on helping and being there for others, it can be very draining. If you are not used to being selfish it's very hard to let things go without feeling guilty. But you do need to be selfish sometimes and put 'you' first and learn to say no. This was my problem and my therapist told me once that nothing is going to stop because you take time out and the more you do for others, the more they can take. Take some time for yourself. Learn how to relax and be a bit selfish because you are important too. x

[Catkins]

Thank you both.

[Catkins]

I feel like I've done something constructive. Instead of phoning my stepdad tonight, I visited. It was nice to see him after a few days. We were talking about how he had been saying the other week that he might cut back on visiting my mum every day, so I asked him how he's getting on with it. Then I said to him that I think I've been doing the same kind of thing with phoning him every day since mum died, and that maybe I should'nt be doing it so much now. He said that he felt like we were on the same page and that we'll still go for a coffee at the weekend but that maybe we'll only speak a couple of times during the week.

I'd been getting agitated all day because I had decided that I needed to say something, I even nearly didn't say anything because I felt so anxious. But I'm really glad I did. I think it was definitely the right thing to do and he was so nice and understanding about it.

[Carnation]

Someone's looking after you catkins. Do you know the times I've got anxious about something and it's just worked out of its own accord. I'm sure your visit has given you some relief.

[pulisa]

There's a limit as to what you can say to each other if you are in contact every day. Quality not quantity and all that? You're not neglecting your "duties" with this new arrangement and it's only when you talk about how things are and making a change for the better that you realise that taking the pressure off will benefit both of you.

[Catkins]

Thank you both.

It was a relief, I think I'd done it for so long now I was scared not to but at the same time the weight of it was weighing heavy on me.

I think I've got this 'I have to help and solve everything' thing stuck in my head which obviously isn't healthy for me or anyone else.

It's a tough thing to stop.

[pulisa]

I'm like that too and plenty of people will benefit from you doing their work for them and not think anything of it.

I understand how you feel about monitoring your stepdad..You feel you are doing it for your mum-making sure he is ok mentally and physically-but he sounds like a really decent man who is so very grateful for your support but realises that you don't need the added commitment of feeling responsible for him and his welfare every single day. If he has a problem he'll contact you but I think a slightly looser arrangement re keeping in touch will suit you both better.

[Catkins]

I'm like that too and plenty of people will benefit from you doing their work for them and not think anything of it.

I understand how you feel about monitoring your stepdad..You feel you are doing it for your mum-making sure he is ok mentally and physically-but he sounds like a really decent man who is so very grateful for your support but realises that you don't need the added commitment of feeling responsible for him and his welfare every single day. If he has a problem he'll contact you but I think a slightly looser arrangement re keeping in touch will suit you both better.

You are very right. He's 61, I even felt last weekend I was holding him back a little. We met for coffee and went to watch a band that was playing in the town bandstand. After about 20 minutes a couple of his music friends turned up and they went to get a pint to have while watching the band. I knew I was in the way so made my excuses and left. It was far better for him to be with them. Maybe it hurt a little? Maybe it was a sign that it's time to pull away? Not sure.

But it's definitely time to let things be and not carry on because of a misguided loyalty to my mother.