My anxiety is being triggered

[Catkins]

Still not dressed yet. But I've had some Weetabix.

Made the decision to ask a friend to cancel my private patients for the next week and a bit. I was going to do it myself. But when I was doing it myself last week I found it really difficult. I was very anxious and felt really low afterwards. I did feel a sense of achievement when I did it myself, but to be honest it was such hardwork.

I guess for the time being I've just got to admit I'm not OK, that at some point I really hope I improve, but right now there are some things that stretch me too far and I've got to hold my hands up and admit it.

Feel terribly sad about it though.

[Catkins]

My sister just rang and asked I'd I wanted to meet for a coffee. I declined. I don't think I can face talking to her at the moment.

Both her and my stepdad didn't think I should come back home. So I kind of have that in the back of mind. I don't want any conflict right now.

Just not sure why I feel so low. Guess it's disappointment in my self. Sadness that I can't do the things I normally do without a second thought.

I know, I know it takes time, it's just so hard.

[Catkins]

Having a brief chat with a therapist at 1.00pm. I know that's not going to make things instantly better, bit I hope it helps.

[Catkins]

Had a chat with the therapist and she seems very nice. I have a proper appointment with her on the 16th which is good.

She thinks I might need to be off longer than the next 2 weeks, I didn't want to hear that to be honest. I guess there is no quick fix.

She said in the meantime I have to nurture myself. I have absolutely no idea how to do that!!

She also interestingly said that I might be using suicide as a safety thing, keeping it in my back pocket as a security net. I never thought about it that way before. I just felt so desperate that I wanted everything to go away and that was the only way I could see for it to happen.

[Catkins]

Oh fuff me. Now I've had a message from my old therapist saying she could see me on Monday (virtually). I don't know what to do. Go with the new one or go see the old one who knows my history but is wanting to retire

[Catkins]

I don't know what to do for the best. Any advice anyone?

[BlueIris]

Had a very long day and am a bit incoherent (had my second vaccine today and wandered around in the heat a lot), just wanted to send good wishes.

[Catkins]

Thank you Blueiris.

Drink plenty and get some rest xx

[pulisa]

Why did you stop seeing the "old" therapist? She may know your history but did you actually benefit from her approach?

[Catkins]

Last saw her a couple of years ago and that was a one off after I hadn't seen her for about 18 months - I saw her for several years. She felt that we had done all we could do and I was feeling fine.

Actually that's a good point. If we'd done everything I may not have ended up feeling as I am now. So there were obviously things still lurking ready to bite me on the arse when I least expected it.

Now that's made me think.