My anxiety is being triggered

[Carnation]

Catkins, you are doing incredibly well.
Remind yourself of that the next time you have a bad day. x

[Catkins]

Catkins, you are doing incredibly well.
Remind yourself of that the next time you have a bad day. x

I will certainly try!

As I'm still on phased return, and I had travel time I was able to leave the course at 12, which was good as I was starting to get a bit twitchy. I struggle sitting through meetings/training, but that isn't new, I've been like it as long as I remember. I seem to have to keep eating through them - I don't know if it keeps me awake or what, but I need snacks and fluids to be able to stay.

[Catkins]

I hope you can be the one in charge of your phased return schedule? Don't rush things in order to get back to your "normal" hours? It will pay off if you pace yourself and don't take on too much at this early stage.

Missed this.

Because I work for the NHS they're quite strict about returns to work 25% first week, 50% second week (which I'm on), 75% third week, full time the last week, but they have left it up to me to decide how I do it.. Then I've got a weeks holiday the week after. I think next week will be the toughest with doing 2 full days. I'm not sure how I'll cope with that, I'm thinking that in my 1/2 hour lunch hour I might go for a little walk to get me out of the building, if I take a sandwich I can eat it on the go.

[Catkins]

Oh and I didn't say yesterday, but my husband told me when I got home from work that he was going for another private MRI, this time with the dye.

I must admit as soon as he said it I could feel my anxiety start to rise. I asked him why as I thought he felt like he was getting better. He said he had enquired about it previously and was put on a list for it, then they had phoned on Monday and offered him one for yesterday, so he thought he would go just to see if it showed anything.

I'm actually quite annoyed with him about it. I was talking to him at the weekend about trying to have 4 nights away in September for a bit of a holiday. I found a caravan over in the NE that we could hire for £350. His reply was that he didn't think we could afford it because he has had to miss quite a bit of work this year (he's self employed) and now that I'm not doing any private work. But then he goes and pays for an MRI, which will have been at least £350. Now that I think about it I'm not 'quite annoyed', I'm bloody furious.

I think he might actually realise I'm pissed off, he's just told me he's booked for us to go to a local spa for the evening next week. Not sure how either me or my bikini line will cope with it, but I'm willing to give it a go.

[pulisa]

I take it no NHS doctor has advised him to have this MRI? I understand your frustration and anger. HA can get very expensive. Any news on the therapy he was going to ask for?

[Catkins]

No, no doctor advised him. I think he just still wants to know what is causing/caused the pain.

He has an appointment with a therapist on Thursday, which I'm really pleased about, but I guess it all depends on what he tells her. I have told him he needs to tell them that because of his mum and brother and how he was when they mentioned cancer when he had his sarcoidosis tests, he gets anxious whenever he's ill and that and he goes to worst case scenario. But I can't guarantee that he will.

[Pamplemousse]

Oh no! It was missed? They are really pushing all out on the training these days. We all have to do it now. This will be the second time for me.

So they ****ing should.

[Catkins]

Very much a mixed bag today. Woke up at 5.30am and my brain started churning over what I had to get done at work this morning. Two people have recently left and I'm having to cover their stuff a bit as well as my own (and I was only on 1/2 time this week). Fortunately work are very aware of how I am at the moment and are very aware that I can only do so much. I guess I just have to keep checking myself as I have a habit of trying to get everything done. My next in line said to me today that she noticed my anxiety went up this morning and not to worry about getting everything done. It was good to have someone remind me as I seem to very easily slip into assuming responsibility for everything, even things that aren't my responsibility.

Home wise - I cleaned the kitchen this afternoon 🥳. The house is in a right state, husband has started getting ready to put a new boiler in - stuff everywhere including the new boiler. I'm not an incredibly house proud person, but I normally like to keep the house reasonably tidy. It's not happening at the moment. This isn't helped by husband leaving a plate and bowl on the coffee table since last night. I am going to have to move it soon, I need to tidy in there. I just begrudge doing it.

Hell, I'm moaning a lot.

[Catkins]

Ooo just realised that it's probably a step forward that I've noticed the house is a mess. A few weeks ago if someone had pooped on the carpet I probably wouldn't have noticed it.

[Carnation]

That's actually a good sign Catkins ��