My anxiety is being triggered

[Carnation]

You can run in wellies?

[pulisa]

Oh my galoshes!

[Catkins]

🤣🤣

[Catkins]

Not in full blip mode but a little concerned.

I have this week off work, I was concerned that the lack of routine would be difficult for me, but I was also really looking forward to some time away from work. If that makes sense.

So I've planned things to do that need doing, mainly stuff that I needed to get done but have been putting off.

So the weekend was fine, slight blip on Saturday when we went swimming and my husband got out of the pool without telling me why, then was silent all the way home. Eventually he told me he'd felt really breathless and had to get out.

Had a nice day on Sunday, yesterday I got caught up on lots of paperwork that needed doing. It wasn't fun but had to be done. I got new front tires and while that was being done I went and bought quite a pretty new doormat and a couple of small things for xmas pressies.

The problems started in the evening. My husband started talking about his health concerns. He's been having chest pains, feeling tired and breathless. He's also concerned about his circulation. We sat and talked about it and he was saying how awful it is that noone seems to want to find out what is wrong with him. He sees his sarcoidosis consultant later this month and he's sure they'll just say he's in remission, but he is worried about the other symptoms. He's ordered a private test to check for cortisol levels and one for testosterone levels.

Now I know this isn't the same thing that happened earlier this year when he had a complete meltdown about his health. But it has triggered a lot of the feelings that I had at that time and I am very scared that I'll go down the same road mentally.

Logically I know I've improved a lot since then. But I woke up at 3.50 this morning, unfortunately he woke up too and came to see where I was. This doesn't help me. Eventually I went back to bed, but then the dog started being sick on the bedroom floor so I had to get up and clear that up, then I needed the toilet, so yep very much awake from then on.

Also I decided at the weekend that it was time to reduce the dose of promethazine that I was taken at night to help me sleep. I thought a week off work was a good time to do it. So the last 2 nights I've only taken half a tablet.

Anyway, this morning I have an appointment with my private counsellor, so I'll have a chat with her about how I'm feeling. I do know that a lot of it is anxiety based around fear that things are going to get bad with my husband again. But I'm unsure on how to deal with it and how to keep myself safe mentally whilst it's going on. I'll also go back to my usual dose of promethazine for bedtime as I don't want to add additional stress to myself.

Sorry for the long ramble, just thought it might help to write things down.

[BlueIris]

Sorry you're having a bad one. You've got this, though, and we're all here to support you.

[Catkins]

Thank you.

[pulisa]

It will be hard but I think you have to put a protective barrier around yourself from your husband's HA because he will be needy and you are vulnerable to his distress.

He's getting a check up soon as regards the sarcoidosis but it's up to him if he wants to waste money on private tests which will be inconclusive and which won't satisfy him. You say that he says that no one seems to want to find out what is "wrong" with him so he's obviously been back to his GP who is not interested in sending him for unnecessary tests?

Have a good chat with your counsellor today. You aren't responsible for him but are responsible for looking after your own mental health which you are doing very well. Don't let him drag you down?

[Catkins]

Thank you. He's still asleep as probably being awake when I woke up has left him tired. I unfortunately aren't able to do that.

I'm not sure if he has been to his GP. He has such a negative attitude towards them. Maybe his consultant will make him feel listened to. He was convinced he had a cardio vascular problem last night, which to him means he's going to die if they don't identify it quickly.

It's so very difficult to deal with. Lucky it fell just before I'm seeing my counsellor.

[Carnation]

Catkins, on reading my first thought was your hubby sounded like he had a panic attack at the pool. I'm not under playing the severity of what he experienced and as we all know panic attacks are not pleasant and scary.
However, if your hubby thinks there's something wrong, he's not going to let go of his thoughts. And there lies the problem. It's very difficult not to be affected by a family members health issue, I know that too well. But please don't lose sight of your own goals and self care.
Your week off didn't get off to the best start, that's just one of those things. Don't dwell on that part, it's gone. Stay focused on your plans and make use of any sunny, dry days with plenty of fresh air. And if you need someone to listen, then you have here. Keep going catkins, you are doing brilliantly!

[Catkins]

Thank you.

I think it could well have been a panic attack. We just have had a brief chat before he went out to do some work. He seems to hold such a lot of frustration and anger towards the NHS. It's so hard to tell with him what is real and what is anxiety. Maybe going down the private healthcare route might be the thing that helps him feel heard. It's just very expensive. I don't know. Maybe he needs to work on it himself.

I had a good session with my counsellor today. I told her about him and my fears, plus how the last couple of days at work were difficult last week. There is a very insecure, fearful part of me that pops it's head up now and again. When talking to her I had a bit of an awful memory pop back up from when I was about 15. We talked it through and yep that awful word 'acceptance' came up again.

I think I need a lazy day today. Dog walk and fresh air later.

Thank you all for reading and responding.