My grief over my mother's death

[Catkins]

I don't know if this is where I should put this thread. But as I'm suffering with GAD I thought I'd put it in here as I think it's one of the contributing factors. I thought it might help me to have a place to write down how I'm feeling and maybe get feedback?

On February 6th this year my mum died suddenly. She'd had a very complicated medical history, T2 diabetes, COPD, underactive thyroid, fibromyalgia, IBS, anxiety, agoraphobia, kidney disease to name a few. She died on a Saturday morning, her and my stepdad had been up and had breakfast but went back to bed for a couple of hours - in separate rooms as if he drinks he snores more, so that was their custom on a weekend. He woke up at around 9 and went through to the living room and she was sat on the sofa dead.

He called an ambulance and attempted CPR. But unfortunately there was nothing he or the paramedics could do. He phoned me at just before 10 to tell me and I rushed round to their house (10 mins away).

It was such an awful shock, I knew she would die eventually but when I got up that morning it was the furthest thing from my mind. My stepdad was in such an awful state it fell to me to phone my sister and my brother to tell them. It was awful. My sister screamed and fell to pieces, my brother was calmer but still in a terrible state.

It was an awful, awful day. I made multiple phone calls to people to let them know over the next few days it was horrible. One relative my stepdad asked me to call (mum's aunt) was as vague as fudge and barely understood what/who I was talking about.

Why am I going through this again? I don't know. I was walking the dog this morning and I couldn't stop thinking about her, my mum that is, I feel I need to get some of what's in my head out as I think I've very much battled on and tried to be supportive to my stepdad etc. But I think it's all contributed to my current state.

When anxiety hits it's just awful and I feel I'm having to do everything and anything I can to help myself. Maybe this well help?

[glassgirlw]

I lost my grandmother in April. She, like your mom, had many many health issues, but none that we expected to end her life suddenly - she had been living with those health issues forever. It was very unexpected - and for most of my life, she was like a mom to me. We were very close - and she was very close with my daughter as well.

I don’t have any sage, wise words to help you unfortunately. But know you’re not alone in the grieving process. Most days I’m fine and it barely is on my mind. Other days I can’t stop thinking about her. And there are certain foods, songs, places, etc that bring it all crashing back too. I imagine this will ease with time, but I’m not there yet.

sending virtual hugs your way and definitely come on here should you need support!! There are some great people here.

[Catkins]

Thank you.

Today because I'm feeling awful, I really miss her. For the last few years of her life she physically wasn't able to a lot. But she was there and even though we disagreed on a lot of things, she was my mum.

It's so hard and I'm so cross that she isn't here to tell me it's going to be OK.

I feel like I haven't got anyone to do that now.

[Catkins]

Well I've just had a bloody good cry thinking about her. Maybe I needed to do that today.

[nomorepanic]

So sorry for your loss

[pulisa]

It is truly awful when you lose a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly and it takes a long time to accept and come to terms with something which wasn't meant to happen..

I hope it helped just to get some of those feelings down in print and to have a good cry..We are here for you whenever you need us xx

I lost my Mum suddenly 31 years ago this Sunday. It's not something you really get over but you learn to carry on and carry the memories with you during the hard times. This can bring you some comfort and solace but it all takes time and you are very recently bereaved. Some days you will cope and others will be all just too much to bear.. but you must always be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve xx

[Pamplemousse]

Big virtual hugs from me, Catkins

Grief is a funny thing: just when you think you have a handle on it, it sneaks up and kicks your arse, and hard.

I lost my mother and my wife within fifteen months of each other. Mum, we knew it was coming as it was lung cancer. Mrs. PM was unexpected - post-operative complications (and IMO, NHS incompetence). I can't say I've got used to it even now: on Sunday I was randomly bursting into tears for seemingly no reason - and this is eleven years on. I can't even talk about them without breaking down (it's pretty hard even typing this). It is all so recent for you, so to be overwhelmed by it all at times is perfectly normal and yes, I've had my fair share of bloody good cries too.

There is, contrary to what some berk at work tried telling me back in 2010, no "correct" way to grieve, nor to process what has happened. It just... is.

As Pulisa says above: some days you'll be fine, then on other days there'll be the unexpected trigger that'll have you in bits. I can't get past the first note on the harp of Jim Reeves' "I Love You Because" without bursting into tears (which I'm doing now) because Mum loved that song. I remember putting it on her CD player at her now-silent house when it fell to me to pack the crockery up as we worked to emptying it and I just spent the next thirty minutes curled up in a ball on the lounge floor, howling.

Like you, it was always my mother I looked to to tell me everything will be all right; the last few years of Mrs. PM's life were hard as she had severe and debilitating illness, I had a shit situation at work and our relationship could be fraught, to put it mildly; but there was always a mug of tea and a bacon and egg sarnie at Mum's if I needed it. When she died, I felt like the safety nets and harnesses were now gone and I felt as scared as the small child in the shopping centre that's just lost sight of Mummy.

We're here to talk, and to listen; you're not alone. Remember that.

[jojo2316]

I’m so sorry you are in the middle of this. It sounds like you are still very much processing the shock of your mum’s death.
“I knew she would die eventually but when I got up that morning it was the furthest thing from my mind.”
I think this sentence captures exactly what it feels like when you lose someone unexpectedly. You keep going back to your state of mind just before, and wonder how it was you didn’t know...
Thinking of you

[pulisa]

It's that sense of unreality too..as if you can't process what has happened and you don't really believe it..

It's worse when you are going through a crisis and need your mum just to talk you down..That's when the loss really hits you because mums can put things right and even if they can't just being there for you can soothe and support.

Anger is a significant part of bereavement too..so don't feel guilty about that. You need her and she's not there..

There's always bereavement counselling but it's not for everyone. Do you have any support from other family members or close friends?

[Speranza]

Just found this. I'm so sorry, no wonder you are struggling. Yes, a bloody good cry is often exactly what's needed. More hugs. xxx