Quote Originally Posted by Catkins View Post
It's even hard thinking I'll never get cross with her again.
Nothing stopping you. I've managed a few arguments with my mother since she's passed on.

I don't think I appreciated her enough when she was here. I think I took her for granted.
What child (adults included) haven't taken their parents for granted at some point?

The last phone call I had with my mum, I can't remember if I told her I loved her. That haunted me for years. Did I do enough? Why didn't I know something was wrong so that I could have helped her? Why. If only. I wish...

Eventually I realised that the word 'love' doesn't need to be said for it to be given or felt.

I ruminated on being able to save her if I'd have paid more attention to her during the phone call? But I came to realise that Mum's system had been compromised for a year as it was, and when I read what was on the death certificate, I knew that, had any of us got to her in time to save her, she would have not gone back to the level of independence she'd always known, and my mother wouldn't have handled that. She was a fiercely independent woman and seeing as she told the surgeon who was giving her a new hip where to 'stick his effing crutches' after hearing that she'd have to use them for 6 weeks, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my mother would not have taken kindly to losing her independence until the end of her days. As it was, she died the week before her op - such is the length my mum went to in order to avoid those crutches!

Nobody has the perfect relationship Catkins. That's not how life works. My mother irritated the shit out of me at times, and I'm responsible for her hair going prematurely grey..

I left home at 16. I hurt her (and my dad) beyond words, not that I understood that then. But the photographs taken at the time show that hurt quite clearly: arms folded over the heart and smiles that doesn't reach the eyes. I know that I was a pain in the @rse as a teenager! But I also know that I couldn't have loved her anymore than I did.

The way I see it? Grief is the price we pay for loving someone, and the more we love someone, the deeper the grief. These thoughts you're having are all normal and part of the grieving process.. X