My grief over my mother's death

[flatterycat]

Yes I am the same. Sometimes it hits as if being told for the first time all over again!

[pulisa]

It's such early days for both of you and the trauma will be very raw. My dad died nearly 7 years ago but in ghastly circumstances followed by a year long safeguarding enquiry into the care home involved (which we "won"). I can cope with it now but I couldn't for ages. The first"anniversaries" are really hard to bear..You have only just started out on the grieving process and there are no rules in terms of bereavement "etiquette". Don't try and understand your emotions..They just are as they are xx

[flatterycat]

It's such early days for both of you and the trauma will be very raw. My dad died nearly 7 years ago but in ghastly circumstances followed by a year long safeguarding enquiry into the care home involved (which we "won"). I can cope with it now but I couldn't for ages. The first"anniversaries" are really hard to bear..You have only just started out on the grieving process and there are no rules in terms of bereavement "etiquette". Don't try and understand your emotions..They just are as they are xx

Thank you Pulisa - sorry that you lost your dad in such an awful way, I can’t imagine how hard that was for you.
My HA is through the roof right now and I just want my mum back.

x

[Catkins]

Pulisa, that sounds awful! It's awful anyway and having an enquiry must have been just terrible.

When my mum died, my stepdad was convinced that she wouldn't have died if the doctor hadn't have stopped her beta blockers. At one point he was talking about putting in a complaint etc, because they shouldn't have stopped them suddenly due to her heart condition, he was in a real state about it. BUT, when she died the doctor didn't know she had a heart condition, nobody knew, it was only discovered post mortem. It was so hard, but because it was sudden you try finding answers I guess.

[pulisa]

Yes I think we need an answer..no matter how painful the explanation turns out to be. We need to "justify" the bereavement in some way but you never can. Maybe it helps to keep busy and focused trying to find the answer and that takes the mind away from the grief? I don't know..I do know that I was a lot worse after the enquiry finished and "that was that". The longer it goes on the more you cling on, I suppose?

[flatterycat]

Yes I think we need an answer..no matter how painful the explanation turns out to be. We need to "justify" the bereavement in some way but you never can. Maybe it helps to keep busy and focused trying to find the answer and that takes the mind away from the grief? I don't know..I do know that I was a lot worse after the enquiry finished and "that was that". The longer it goes on the more you cling on, I suppose?

I think what you say about keeping busy is true Pulisa.
I planned my mums whole service. Did the order of service booklets, made seed packs, decorated the chapel, write and read a piece and really made it the best it could be. I coped really well then but now it’s hitting me hard each day.
X

[pulisa]

All the while you are occupied and giving your all to the service etc it does take you away from the void left by bereavement. You have a purpose and a motive to keep going but once the immediate sense of busyness is over the emptiness left behind is devastating and you feel the loss more profoundly and vividly if that makes sense?

[Catkins]

Makes total sense

I think because my step-gran dying 2 weeks later and then all the sorting out and supporting my stepdad I think I put my grief on hold in a way, except for the odd moment.

Doesn't go away though does it? Still wish she was here.

[pulisa]

Of course you do. I hope work helps to fill some hours tomorrow and that you are treated with kindness and understanding.

[Scass]

Hope you’re ok.

I felt it hard today. Sometimes it’s SO painful it can take your breath away. I went for a drive & a walk around the supermarket. Then I played some music that reminded me of my parents. I’m better now, but I had a very good cry.

I found a website about grief and there was a few ideas about things you could do to keep their memory alive. The last one was: Look after yourself, because they would want you to.

X


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