My grief over my mother's death

[Catkins]

He was more startled than anything.

Just took two choc ices up to her, one each, she didn't fancy hers so I ate it. She would have been proud 😁

[Catkins]

So it was my mum and stepdad's wedding Anniversary yesterday. He really struggled through the day and the lead up to it.

I had to have a little smile about her though. She would have loved watching the Olympics and she would be absolutely chuffed to bits about Tom Daley getting a gold. She would be pleased he'd got his mojo back - a few years ago he was on the telly when I was round, she declared 'he's not been as good at diving since he decided he was gay'. I admit I audibly gasped and exclaimed 'mother!' to be met with 'but it's true!'.

Different generations.

[pulisa]

These "first" anniversaries of significant dates are really hard. Your stepdad must be glad that the day is over but there will be more to come, of course.

Your mum's generation probably was much freer to voice an opinion though? You can't say anything now without fear of "outraging" someone..

[Carnation]

Catkins, are you sure we are not related? That's the sort of thing my mum would have said.

[Catkins]

I know Pulisa, there's so many difficult dates to get through next year. Hoping it gets easier.

Carnation must be the same generation!

[Catkins]

So exactly 1/2 a year, 26 weeks since she died.

I'm struggling a bit today. I'm meeting my step dad and sister later for lunch. Going to try and take it steady.

[Catkins]

Went and bought some flowers and took them up. Had a little weep but it felt good to go there.

[pulisa]

I hope you have a peaceful and reflective lunch...

[Carnation]

Catkins I found the six months after harder emotionally than the six weeks after. It's because time has lapsed and you've had more time to think and reflect and feel your emotions. Mixed emotions of sadness, regret, love, emptiness, memories, even guilt will come over you and its all normal to the process of grieving.
And as time passes it will become easier to accept these thoughts and feelings as you get on with your own life which is what you are supposed to do. x

[Catkins]

I think I was still on autopilot at the 6 week point. Very much trying to support my stepdad and not really acknowledging how I was feeling.

It's still very tough. I really appreciate having a grave to visit. I feel like I'm visiting her and because my stepdad put a really nice picture of her on the headstone, she's there looking at me. This could also have effected me last night too. I woke to early yesterday morning and felt quite anxious all day. It felt like a 'big' anniversary.