Originally Posted by
NoraB
Sorry to hear about your mum, and I totally understand because I lost mine suddenly too.
This is still very early days for you; it's only been a matter of months..
On the day that my mother died, I woke up that night with severe chest pains. That was the start of my hardest battle with anxiety and I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia a couple of years ago.
I don't know what your relationship with your mum was like, but mine was strong, and there was no time to say goodbye. Our last phone call (the night before) haunted me for years because I was still woozy from general anaesthetic and I wanted to go to sleep - so I abruptly ended the phone call telling my mum I'd call her the next day, only I never got the chance..
I lost my dad when I was 26 and Mum when I was 41. I've lost lots of people but none have left such a gigantic hole in my life as them. The way I see it; a part of me went with them. The part of me that only they could bring out? I changed when I lost my dad and again when Mum died and it's taken me many years to come to terms with her not being here. What helped me was to talk and write about her. I had a blog where I wrote about her in my own way - which was humorous - as in my sense of humour. I wrote about the time we went to the beach and she forgot she was wearing her slippers (pink fluffy mules) and Dad had to buy her some yellow flip-flops - only she got stuck in quicksand and came out minus one of them. The stories made people laugh and I laughed remembering them, and laughter is good for the heart and soul, right? But before I reached this point, I was stuck and incredibly sad. One day the thought came to me that I'm a mother, and how would I feel if my sons were so sad about me?
I had a lot of practical support when my mum died. I had two brothers, two grown up sons and a husband to lean on. If you're having to cope with practical stuff as well, it's no wonder your mental health is struggling. The death of a parent (especially one who was loved) is one of the hardest things you'll go through in terms of stress and we all grieve in different ways and there is no time limit. Mum died 10 years ago but it was only last week that I let her go and stopped talking to 'her' about my problems everyday. I'm not a nutter btw, I just believe that consciousness survives biological death.. Anyway, my dreams have been 'confusing' about my mother for a few years now. She was always sad or cross with me and I couldn't work out why. Then the thought came to me that, in talking to her everyday, I'm keeping 'her' here? So I took off her ring, locket, and moved the photograph of her and me away from my bedside table, and I finally said goodbye to her. That night I dreamt that her and my dad were buggering off in a tourer caravan (yeah, this is my brain lol) and she was happy; they both were.
My point is that we're all different and we cope with death in different ways. You will find your own way to cope, and the days will become easier as time goes on. The best way to honour the memory of a parent is to live life as best we can. In time, you'll walk the dog and be reminded of the good times. It's still too raw for you, and this is simply a stage of grief that you have to go through, but you will come out the other side. It's ok to feel angry or sad or cheated out of time. It's ok to cry until the snot runs down your face! We have to accept that the world is going to feel like it's closing in on us at times. Just allow the thoughts to come and then try and remember something that's good about your mum - before illness and the ending, and in time those shocking memories of a few months ago will retreat further and further away - like rumbles of thunder.. X